Depression

[heedthebaa]

21 minutes ago, Albertlegend said:

First time iv ventured onto this thread so here goes.... Iv had a rough few days, my mum has been diagnosed with lung cancer yesterday, my dad dies last year of pancreatic cancer. I'm married with 2 daughters 6 and 2. My other half's parents left her and one lives abroad and has had no contact for around 10 years and the other lives down south and we see them maybe twice a year. 

This is all the family I have. I have no brothers or sisters and iv never felt so alone. My daughters are going to lose two doting grand parents in the space of 18 months and me, my mum and dad. There is no one who can help us when baby sitting is required or an ear to bend etc. Iv got a close group of friends but sometimes you just need your mum and dad. iv always known my parents were there for advice help etc should we need that safety net or support network.  Now I feel like I have nothing. 

I also have an anger at the fact her parents don't have anything to do with us or pop up once a year and they get to Swan about perfectly healthy while my mum wastes away and would love nothing more than to get the girls away for a few nights or take them swimming or to the park. How is this fair?? 

I don't know what I expect to come of putting this out there. I'm probably feeling a bit sorry for myself but I don't know where to turn. 

So sorry to hear about your mum and dad. As a grandparent myself bud, I can’t get my head around grandparents who have little or no contact. We’re heavily involved for giving our kids a break, or to let them work, with our 6 and wouldn’t have it any other way. You keep your heed up and use this thread when needed 

[Thereisalight..]

2 hours ago, Albertlegend said:

First time iv ventured onto this thread so here goes.... Iv had a rough few days, my mum has been diagnosed with lung cancer yesterday, my dad dies last year of pancreatic cancer. I'm married with 2 daughters 6 and 2. My other half's parents left her and one lives abroad and has had no contact for around 10 years and the other lives down south and we see them maybe twice a year. 

This is all the family I have. I have no brothers or sisters and iv never felt so alone. My daughters are going to lose two doting grand parents in the space of 18 months and me, my mum and dad. There is no one who can help us when baby sitting is required or an ear to bend etc. Iv got a close group of friends but sometimes you just need your mum and dad. iv always known my parents were there for advice help etc should we need that safety net or support network.  Now I feel like I have nothing. 

I also have an anger at the fact her parents don't have anything to do with us or pop up once a year and they get to Swan about perfectly healthy while my mum wastes away and would love nothing more than to get the girls away for a few nights or take them swimming or to the park. How is this fair?? 

I don't know what I expect to come of putting this out there. I'm probably feeling a bit sorry for myself but I don't know where to turn. 

Sorry to hear all that.  It sounds a really rough time for you. Try and be strong for your Mum. You’ve got your wife and kids so stay strong for them to, they’re your reason to go on! 

I lost my Dad in Feb. I have no siblings and my relationship ended last year. Fcking covid meant I lost my job too. It’s been a shit few months and every day is a struggle. Folk on here are always willing to listen and help so please keep venting on here about how you’re feeling. I know it’s not a great, but sometimes just letting all your problems out can help, even temporarily. Wishing you all the best mate

[Raidernation]

Today July 6th would have been my brother’s birthday, first one since he died last year.

Not really sure how I feel about that, not something I’ve had to deal with sober before.

[Jacksgranda]

1 hour ago, Raidernation said:

Today July 6th would have been my brother’s birthday, first one since he died last year.

Not really sure how I feel about that, not something I’ve had to deal with sober before.

This too shall pass.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

Good c***s.

https://www.thecalmzone.net

[Raidernation]

Good c***s.
https://www.thecalmzone.net

Just heard that a lassie that I did outpatient addiction treatment with has died. Must have only been 23/24, withdrawal (or worse) while in the jail, just saw the official notice and she looked like hell, head shaven etc.

This reminds me why I’m where I am doing what I’m doing, getting better (I’m now even sponsoring a couple of guys)

It’s a fucking cruel and nasty disease and I thank f**k I’m still healthy and I thank f**k every day I go to bed sober (will soon be six months)

Seems especially relevant after some of the discussion on another thread today (things you want to share.... maybe?)

[Venti]

On 06/07/2020 at 06:14, Raidernation said:

Today July 6th would have been my brother’s birthday, first one since he died last year.

Not really sure how I feel about that, not something I’ve had to deal with sober before.

Maybe it's just me; but I've found that not making death dates/birthdays a 'thing' helps.

There's things (passively) that make me remember my Mum. Like doing the usual food shop & seeing something she used to like.

It's good that you've come off the drink. Your brother would be proud.

[Genuine Hibs Fan]

Something that's been getting me down recently, and I'm sure it's something a lot of people can relate to, is loneliness. Been worse recently but has been hanging over me the last year or so really.

I've mentioned before that I was abroad for a few years, and there's a few things I feel have passed me by a little. Fulfilling work and steady finances was a big one but I'm moving into something really exciting and where I can start saving for a house etc next month.

The big one left is that feeling of having a group of mates, a gang that is your default social group, that makes you feel included.

I'm lucky in that I have a wee group back home in Perth that I'm still in touch with, another in Glasgow of uni mates and another group spread out all over the place. I'm committing myself, once things open up again, to making a trip to Perth or Glasgow for a day/night out once a month, and encourage my mates to come through here if there's a gig or something. And the spread out group were planning a football weekend trip abroad (cancelled this year obviously) that will hopefully be a yearly thing.

My best friend moved here from London in October and it's fantastic to spend time with her but she's new as well. I go to the pub with my brother and his pals who I've known a long time once in a while, and there's a couple of old pals I'd lost contact with but we don't have much in common anymore.

I realised at a certain point the last few years that I was quite an introverted person, but I feel I used that as an excuse for a while not to make an effort to meet new friends. I'm planning to start playing team sports again, join a club or two and do some volunteering now I won't be working weekends and evenings half the time. Has anyone else been through this and have any advice? I understand it's a bit trivial but it honestly feels like it weighs me down a lot and causes a lot of anxiety for me, which I suppose doesn't help in countering it.

 

[AL-FFC]

1 hour ago, Genuine Hibs Fan said:

Something that's been getting me down recently, and I'm sure it's something a lot of people can relate to, is loneliness. Been worse recently but has been hanging over me the last year or so really.

I've mentioned before that I was abroad for a few years, and there's a few things I feel have passed me by a little. Fulfilling work and steady finances was a big one but I'm moving into something really exciting and where I can start saving for a house etc next month.

The big one left is that feeling of having a group of mates, a gang that is your default social group, that makes you feel included.

I'm lucky in that I have a wee group back home in Perth that I'm still in touch with, another in Glasgow of uni mates and another group spread out all over the place. I'm committing myself, once things open up again, to making a trip to Perth or Glasgow for a day/night out once a month, and encourage my mates to come through here if there's a gig or something. And the spread out group were planning a football weekend trip abroad (cancelled this year obviously) that will hopefully be a yearly thing.

My best friend moved here from London in October and it's fantastic to spend time with her but she's new as well. I go to the pub with my brother and his pals who I've known a long time once in a while, and there's a couple of old pals I'd lost contact with but we don't have much in common anymore.

I realised at a certain point the last few years that I was quite an introverted person, but I feel I used that as an excuse for a while not to make an effort to meet new friends. I'm planning to start playing team sports again, join a club or two and do some volunteering now I won't be working weekends and evenings half the time. Has anyone else been through this and have any advice? I understand it's a bit trivial but it honestly feels like it weighs me down a lot and causes a lot of anxiety for me, which I suppose doesn't help in countering it.

 

I can relate to that I'm the same worked overseas for as long finally made the break to work back home and all those that said to come home to work i never see them.  My kids live with my ex and they are getting older (teens now), I'm still missing my sister as she raised me (lost my mum and dad when i was young) and was my best pal as much as my sister. I tried joining a hillwalking group but found i kind of wanted to go at my own pace than hold back a group.  

I'm the same with the loneliness but the same time i cba with the drama in the relationship side of things, my pals all have their own lives.  Nothing wrong with being introverted but if your like me the loneliness and isolation start impacting on the depression side of things where you start over analysing things and wondering if anyone would miss you if you werent there.   

[welshbairn]

1 hour ago, Genuine Hibs Fan said:

Something that's been getting me down recently, and I'm sure it's something a lot of people can relate to, is loneliness. Been worse recently but has been hanging over me the last year or so really.

I've mentioned before that I was abroad for a few years, and there's a few things I feel have passed me by a little. Fulfilling work and steady finances was a big one but I'm moving into something really exciting and where I can start saving for a house etc next month.

The big one left is that feeling of having a group of mates, a gang that is your default social group, that makes you feel included.

I'm lucky in that I have a wee group back home in Perth that I'm still in touch with, another in Glasgow of uni mates and another group spread out all over the place. I'm committing myself, once things open up again, to making a trip to Perth or Glasgow for a day/night out once a month, and encourage my mates to come through here if there's a gig or something. And the spread out group were planning a football weekend trip abroad (cancelled this year obviously) that will hopefully be a yearly thing.

My best friend moved here from London in October and it's fantastic to spend time with her but she's new as well. I go to the pub with my brother and his pals who I've known a long time once in a while, and there's a couple of old pals I'd lost contact with but we don't have much in common anymore.

I realised at a certain point the last few years that I was quite an introverted person, but I feel I used that as an excuse for a while not to make an effort to meet new friends. I'm planning to start playing team sports again, join a club or two and do some volunteering now I won't be working weekends and evenings half the time. Has anyone else been through this and have any advice? I understand it's a bit trivial but it honestly feels like it weighs me down a lot and causes a lot of anxiety for me, which I suppose doesn't help in countering it.

 

Have to say you've done well to keep in touch with your friends in Perth, Glasgow and all over the place. And having your best friend and brother around. Working evenings and weekends is a bitch for meeting new people, so it looks like things will improve if you do what you're planning re team sports etc. I'm rubbish at keeping in touch with people when I move on, which I've done quite a lot, might have to give in and join Facebook. Suppose I'm missing out by not having a big group of friends nearby I can get together with, but tbh it doesn't bother me much. I think some people expect the rest of your life to be like College days, for most people it isn't.

[Genuine Hibs Fan]

1 hour ago, welshbairn said:

Have to say you've done well to keep in touch with your friends in Perth, Glasgow and all over the place. And having your best friend and brother around. Working evenings and weekends is a bitch for meeting new people, so it looks like things will improve if you do what you're planning re team sports etc. I'm rubbish at keeping in touch with people when I move on, which I've done quite a lot, might have to give in and join Facebook. Suppose I'm missing out by not having a big group of friends nearby I can get together with, but tbh it doesn't bother me much. I think some people expect the rest of your life to be like College days, for most people it isn't.

Aye as I said I'm lucky to have close relationships, even if we are in different places. I think there's definitely been some drifting while I've been away which is not irreparable but has made me not spend the time to really get back into their lives.

I suppose it's more a para social thing, watching telly shows and listening to podcasts where folk in their late 20s still muck about with folk like they're teenagers. 

It all comes down to feeling at home where I am and having the tools to get out of ruts. Since leaving my girlfriend's in May I've been getting through the day at work and then quietly drinking cans and watching telly at night. Thinking back to how I used to deal with that compulsion back in the day and yearning for that

[Genuine Hibs Fan]

2 hours ago, AL-FFC said:

I can relate to that I'm the same worked overseas for as long finally made the break to work back home and all those that said to come home to work i never see them.  My kids live with my ex and they are getting older (teens now), I'm still missing my sister as she raised me (lost my mum and dad when i was young) and was my best pal as much as my sister. I tried joining a hillwalking group but found i kind of wanted to go at my own pace than hold back a group.  

I'm the same with the loneliness but the same time i cba with the drama in the relationship side of things, my pals all have their own lives.  Nothing wrong with being introverted but if your like me the loneliness and isolation start impacting on the depression side of things where you start over analysing things and wondering if anyone would miss you if you werent there.   

Sorry that you're not able to stay with your kids man, I'm a few years away from having any but I'm sure I can't imagine how difficult it is to not be with them all the time.

I think you capture the feelings I was trying to describe better than I could. Introversion can creep into loneliness, or for me more accurately feeling disconnected from your community, far too easily. It's a big trigger for me into a depressive cycle. 

It was similar when I was abroad but felt different. In south America there were folk who were curious about you as an outsider who were friendly, folk in a similar situation who formed wee ex pat bubbles, and a couple of families who took me as one of their own and I still love very dearly (corny as it sounds). I was in Barcelona afterwards and there everything's so big and exciting you flit from group to group and don't notice. 

I guess I just expected coming home (well, to Scotland anyway. Never lived in Edinburgh before) to be a lot easier than moving to a new place abroad, and it's absolutely been the opposite in my experience

[D.A.F.C]

Would recommend making an effort to keep in touch with decent friends.

Other than occasional pals at work I’ve not had a close group of friends for a long time. Have mentioned it before but after being treated so badly my trust and confidence was just broken by a bunch of arseholes. Add to that being treated badly at work and being kind of isolated and it’s been a struggle. Was just about to get back in contact with a good friend and he died. At my age when you’re not surrounded by a social circle or have chances to meet people then nothing much will change.

Have realised in the last week or so that it doesn’t take much to bring all this to the surface. Desperate to prove myself somehow. Since lockdown my only real social thing (fives) and football has stopped. People read it as a victim mentality when I’ve discussed it, but not in this thread.

As long as I’m busy I can cope, have to tell myself it wasn’t my fault and to stop going full heads gone when provoked.

Have been able to train fully for the first time in a couple of years so enjoying that. Also been connecting more with people with similar interests online. Also started to see that social media is just mostly a lot of shite and better off not spending much time on it apart from the hobbies stuff.

Main priority is to cope with work and look to move elsewhere when I can. To try and be more content and find something in enjoy working in. 

[D.A.F.C]

13 minutes ago, chocolateankles said:

What do people think about social media's impact on depression/mental illness?  

Cyber bullying is well know, this place isn't immune to it and I think more needs to be done on here.  What about Facebook, I personally think it has far too much influence on people's lives and not in a good way.  Feelings that you only had maybe once a week/month after a night out  and quickly passed are shoved in your face every moment of the day, envy, jealousy, anger, love, isolation.

Why didn't they invite me? how can he afford that car/watch/holiday? he's just showing off, I didn't know he thought that. Every day.

There's a lot of stuff you wish you didn't know about people because of it, or need to know.

I posted an interview from a psychologist on it in top five thread.

Don’t agree with some of it but the facts are there. You could argue that billions of people have been socially conditioned into a certain way of behaving. Even if you were a super popular Instagram model it would still mess you up.

Also check out the engineer that was involved in the early days of Facebook. He feels terrible about what they’ve done. People are conditioned to fit in, whatever that is. Unfortunately most of the time it’s low brow nonsense, if you post some daft meme you get x10 more likes than something you took time to think about. What will you keep doing?  More stupid stuff. 
They based most of it around reward systems that require you to spend as much time as possible on there. You’re an employee and working for free generating cash. They don’t care if it’s hateful, good, moral, immoral whatever as long as you keep looking at it.

Young people now live more or less a false life online as an avatar according to the psychologist. Maybe a bit extreme but it’s scary.

[The_Kincardine]

5 hours ago, AL-FFC said:

I can relate to that I'm the same worked overseas for as long finally made the break to work back home and all those that said to come home to work i never see them.  My kids live with my ex and they are getting older (teens now), I'm still missing my sister as she raised me (lost my mum and dad when i was young) and was my best pal as much as my sister. I tried joining a hillwalking group but found i kind of wanted to go at my own pace than hold back a group.  

Any chance of you getting in touch with your weans?  The only good thing I did in my divorce was making sure I had a place for and regular contact my weans.  Kids are remarkably resilient - especially in their teen years - and knowing their auld man is a big boost for them.

[grazza]

The social media thing I suppose there is the compare and despair factor. Though mainly stoic in my connections. I actually find Instagram quite good I'm quite lonely and I just put up a photo each day, might have a bit of filtering sometimes but usually from walks locally or from holidays a few years ago and its quite nice to see some people enjoy them and likewise I do the same of some nice images especially from in and around Dundee and there is nothing weird in complimenting a stranger on a great pic from a familiar place. 

I can relate to the posts in the last couple of days in a feeling of being lonely. I live with my fiance and thats all good though we live with her mum but other than that we don't really have any friends in Dundee Her mum really doesn't have anyone else since her husband passed away and is an alcoholic. We've moved up to Dundee to stay with her had to move out when it got too much but back in as she can't really cope on her own. To be fair other than a bad week last year things have stabilized on that front.She won't go anywhere other than the shop but okay enough we could go away for a week and be okay etc. Anyway when things were at their worst about 3 years ago that took a toll on me and anxious to what I would come home to each day and even when we moved out for a bit we still had to check in on her and try to help if we could.  

The last year domestic wise had been fine and I think we have got her to as good a place as we can ever get and be able to have a bit of our own life. My fiance isn't really a social person with friends we do stuff together but it would be nice to have folk locally to have a beer or go a run with etc.

I've got couple mates dotted around in Ayr, Glasgow, Edinburgh and brother in Yorkshire. Usually around christmas time and summer get most of the catching up which has been stuck this summer cos the virus. They are starting to have kids etc and we all have work etc so it's tricky,  In the last year tried to keep myself busy with open uni course and doing a lot of walking / running around Dundee. I was going to a lot of punk gigs and so I like that community even though I'm going to gigs on my own there are a few familiar faces but I find it tough to really get conversations started and going with folk. I've found that with work also hard and working from home has made it worse. I'm finishing this job end of July so hopefully next place can be a fresh start. 

Also done a couple of lifelong learning classes in the winter which is good in that you meet people from different ages and backgrounds and get into good discussions about things. I think going  out doing these things I'm doing the right things in that sense. Had to deal with a lot for a couple years and the world keeps turning and I think that sense of tiptoeing around an alcoholic in my home made me a bit more distant and wary even filter how I express myself. I like Dundee its the ideal size of city for me some cracking places to eat and drink etc The loneliness thing I thing is common, either we have worked and moved about a few different places or our friends and family do. Things as simple as going for a pint have to be planned out sometimes weeks in advance. 

[AL-FFC]

13 hours ago, The_Kincardine said:

Any chance of you getting in touch with your weans?  The only good thing I did in my divorce was making sure I had a place for and regular contact my weans.  Kids are remarkably resilient - especially in their teen years - and knowing their auld man is a big boost for them.

Tried that my ex makes it difficult as possible only time i seem to hear from them now is when they are after something

[Guest bernardblack]

On the social media piece I heard a really good quote on that:

“Don’t compare your behind the scenes to someone’s greatest hits”

[die hard doonhamer]

The loneliness chat over the last couple of pages has resonated with me for some reason, despite me not having felt like that for the better part of a decade. My (now) wife and I had our first child young (I was 18 when he was born), so I lost contact with most of my friends around about then, as a 19 year old trying to work out how to be a dad. I probably didn't speak to my best mate for about a year around that time, but fortunately when we did get back in touch it felt like that gap had never happened. One of the biggest things that helped me is the social sports things that I've got involved in. I referee football through the winter and play cricket through the summer. Somewhat conversely, I feel more part of a team within the refereeing circle than I probably do in my cricket club. With the football I'll be out doing a game on my own on a Saturday, but as soon as I come off the pitch we have a group chat amongst the local refs and it's always buzzing with little reports on how the games went and people asking for advice or reflecting on things they did well or could have done differently.

I feel like this post has become a bit of a ramble, but the end result of it is that I'd recommend getting involved in something that you enjoy, you'll meet like minded people and hopefully grow your social circle.

And give refereeing a shot, we're not all blind b*****ds 

[Thereisalight..]

I  can definitely relate to the feeling of loneliness. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve struggled to make friends. I feel like quite an outsider in so many ways. I’ve never been into pubs/clubs/parties etc. As sad as it is to say, my best male mate was my Dad. We’d go to all the sports together and geeky things like hill walks and museums. My most recent ex was my best mate as well. She got me on a level that nobody else ever did. She embraced my idiosyncratic ways and made me feel so loved and wanted. I’ve lost them both now and my feelings of loneliness is intensified. I miss my acquaintances at work (haven’t worked since March) and just feel so lonely and my self confidence is at an all time low.