Funky Nosejob Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 A bloke wanders into the pub toilets, walks up to the guy at the first urinal, taps him on the shoulder and asks, “V D?”. The guy turns around and punches him in disgust. The bloke then stumbles up to the guy at the second urinal, taps him on the shoulder and groans, “V D?”. That guy turns round angrily and knees him in the groin. The bloke staggers over to the guy at the third urinal, taps him on the shoulder and mumbles, “V D?”. “Yes”, he replies. “Great, you’re next up on the pool table”. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 An explosion killed a wild-living navy boiler man and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling. “You like this?” Satan asked. “Yes, sir,” said the sailor, “this feels like a spring day to me.” Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn’t even broken a sweat. “I like this kind of weather,” he told Satan. For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat more and more, but each day the sailor looked as comfortable as ever. By Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off and turned on the air conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor’s room! When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever. Satan was exasperated! “Why are YOU so happy?” he demanded from the sailor. “It’s FREEZING in here!” “Well, I’m from Leith,” said the sailor, “and evidently Hibs have won the Scottish Cup!” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 He was from Denver, fool. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Kincardine Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 On 3/1/2018 at 13:45, tamthebam said: It was going to be a lovely day until I read that. ISWYDT 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 What's the difference between a curry and a candle? A candle only burns at one end... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 How does an irish burglar get in to a house? intruder window. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 (edited) OMG. I accidentally sent a picture of my penis to everyone in my address book. Not only was it extremely embarrassing, it also cost me a fortune in stamps. Edited March 8, 2018 by Cardinal Richelieu 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Senator Frimpton Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 A woman is at home watching telly when her husband comes into the room with a duck under his arm "This is the pig I've been fucking" he says "That's a duck dear" she sighs "And does she always interrupt like this?" Says the duck 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 When my missus told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 A man and his wife are being served in the bank when a robbery takes place. During the robbery the robber's mask slips. He asks the teller if he would recognise him again. The teller says "yes" and the robber shoots him. Same thing happens with the next teller. The robber ask the man that was being served "would you recognise me again?" He says "No, but my wife would." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 What should you do if you find a trumpet growing in your garden? Root it oot. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Why is everybody acting like Stephen Hawking making it to 76 is impressive?Paul Walker made it to at least 90 before he died. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The DA Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 7 hours ago, 19QOS19 said: Why is everybody acting like Stephen Hawking making it to 76 is impressive? Paul Walker made it to at least 90 before he died. Joke relies on you knowing who Paul Walker is. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJ2 Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Joke relies on you knowing who Paul Walker is. Didn’t even know he was dead! What’s Mr Chips up to these days then? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Joke relies on you knowing who Paul Walker is. Fast and The Furious actor who was left stuck to the pavement after going too fast in a flash car. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glassnahalf Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 10 hours ago, 19QOS19 said: Fast and The Furious actor who was left stuck to the pavement after going too fast in a flash car. Still in the dark...! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Still in the dark...! He is aye. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glassnahalf Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 The Chi Chi joke from the Shield is a killer! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryHill Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 I have two surgeons trying to mend my knee. Joint effort. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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