tamthebam Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 The Pirate Captain said "Where's my buccaneers?" And the mate replied "Under your buccin' hat" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HI HAT Posted June 30 Share Posted June 30 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Diamond Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 On 30/06/2024 at 12:20, tamthebam said: The Pirate Captain said "Where's my buccaneers?" And the mate replied "Under your buccin' hat" Unlike the deaf Pirate who had no Buccaneers. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 A wealthy couple went out for the evening to a formal dinner party. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she told her husband she would leave early to go home. He stayed there, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found their butler Alfred by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She turned to him and said, in a voice she knew he must obey, “Alfred, I want you to take off my dress.” This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. “Alfred” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.” Again, he silently obeyed. “Now, Alfred, I want you to remove my bra and panties.” Eyes downcast, he obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, “Alfred, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!” 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophia Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 4 minutes ago, Arch Stanton said: A wealthy couple went out for the evening to a formal dinner party. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she told her husband she would leave early to go home. He stayed there, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found their butler Alfred by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She turned to him and said, in a voice she knew he must obey, “Alfred, I want you to take off my dress.” This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. “Alfred” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.” Again, he silently obeyed. “Now, Alfred, I want you to remove my bra and panties.” Eyes downcast, he obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, “Alfred, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!” I could see that coming 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 (edited) An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then asks, "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And then he asks, "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?" Edited July 2 by Arch Stanton 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 2 minutes ago, Arch Stanton said: An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed. An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then asks, "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And then he asks, "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?" Should have made it an Aberdonian. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 10 minutes ago, welshbairn said: Should have made it an Aberdonian. Too obvious. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 4 minutes ago, Arch Stanton said: Too obvious. You don't get cancelled for stereotyping Aberdonians. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 After suffering from depression from for years I was cynical when the therapist told me to listen to Herman's Hermits before going to bed. Woke up this morning feeling fine. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob in Denny Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 37 minutes ago, scottsdad said: After suffering from depression from for years I was cynical when the therapist told me to listen to Herman's Hermits before going to bed. Woke up this morning feeling fine. Before Noone? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarrbridgeSaintee Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 15 hours ago, Arch Stanton said: Unlike the deaf Pirate who had no Buccaneers. He could've bought new ones, they sell them down the docks for a Buck an ear. Thank you. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 A charity collector knocks on the door of a wealthy man’s mansion. The man opens the door, and the collector says, “Good afternoon, sir. I’m from the local charity. Our records show that you haven’t contributed anything to our cause, despite your apparent wealth. Would you be willing to make a donation to help those in need?” The wealthy man looks at the collector and says, “Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who is struggling to pay her medical bills?” The collector, looking concerned, replies, “No, sir, we didn’t know that.” The man continues, “Do your records show that my brother lost his job and is drowning in debt?” The collector, now even more concerned, says, “No, sir, I’m so sorry to hear that.” The man goes on, “Do your records show that my sister is a single mother with three kids who can barely make ends meet?” The collector, feeling sympathetic, responds, “No, sir, I had no idea your family was going through such tough times.” The man then leans in and says, “Well, if I’m not giving them any money, what makes you think I’m going to give any to you?” 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 A birch tree and a beech tree stand in a small grove. Between them is a sapling. The birch tree looks down at the sapling and says “That there. That is my seed. That is indeed a son of a birch.”The beech tree scoffs, “are you blind? Any idiot can see that is a son of a beech. That is my seed growing there." They argue all day. One insisting the sapling is a son of a birch, the other that it’s a son of a beech. Until suddenly, a woodpecker lands on a branch of the sapling.“Hey woodpecker!” The trees yell, “Do us a favour. Give that sapling a taste and tell us, is that a son of a birch or a son of a beech.” The woodpecker agrees and pecks into the saplings wood for a moment. He stops thinks about it, and pecks again.“Well what is it!?” insist the trees. “Well” the woodpecker replies, “it ain’t no son of a birch and it ain’t no son of a beech, but that’s the sweetest piece of ash I’ve ever stuck my pecker in.” 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alta-pete Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 (edited) Think it works better with: Well” the woodpecker replies, “it ain’t no schon of a birch and it ain’t no schon of a beech, but that’th the schweetetht pieth of ash I’ve ever schtuck my pecker in”. Edited July 3 by alta-pete 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted July 3 Share Posted July 3 A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner. “Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.” “Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.” The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly. “The neighbours went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?” “I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss’ll be mad if I don’t get this project finished.” The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work. The night after, the wife was downcast. “My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?” The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show. The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquires about it with the friend. “Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances.” 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Diamond Posted July 6 Share Posted July 6 HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits, legs and any other areas you keep trim. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your behind. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck to the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. Yup, you know this is all true 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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