deej Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 So you think you've had a bad day at work? Think that's what they call a really shitty day 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 (edited) On 21/11/2016 at 23:36, blackislekillie said: Its actually an old Chic Murray joke. That guy cracked me up. He was a comic genius. "We've got stained glass windows in our house. Bloody pigeons." Edited to add... I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three minutes to live. I immediately asked if there was anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that he could boil me an egg.Read more: http://qqrenegades.proboards.com/thread/2104/chic-murray-liners#ixzz4REHsClBM Anyone else got any favourite CM jokes? Edited November 27, 2016 by ICTJohnboy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peasy23 Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 Anyone else got any favourite CM jokes? I was standing at a bus stop the other day, eating fish and chips. There was a woman there with a little dog and it kept jumping up at me. So I said to her, "do you mind if I throw him a bit?"She replied "no, that's perfectly fine."So I picked up the dog.... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 Was walking by the bookies, it said on the windae, open Sunday 11-5I thought, im for some of that at that price, it was open last Sunday 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedRob72 Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 What happened to the dyslexic devil-worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa. Then died after choking on his own Vimto?? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 (edited) Paid a fortune to visit a Dutch warehouse? <edit> If you're going to make a typo, don't do it in a dyslexia joke! Edited November 29, 2016 by GordonD 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 Do people with dyslexia think they have dailysex? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bold Rover Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 On 27 November 2016 at 10:38, ICTJohnboy said: Anyone else got any favourite CM jokes? She opened the door in her dressing gown. Funny place to have a door. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 I was sitting on the ground and somebody asked, "Did you fall, Chic?" and I answered, "No, I'm trying to break a bar of chocolate in my pocket!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 A lot of people say my father was a weirdo but he wasn't, he was a lovely man. And a great kisser. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 This one is true (allegedly) Some years ago Chic was held up with bad weather at Edinburgh Airport trying to get a flight to London. An irate American was strutting up and down enraged that he too, caught up in the delay. He was clearly unimpressed with Edinburgh and/or the airport. "This must be the asshole of England" he shouted at everyone and anyone within earshot. "So are you just passing through then," quipped our Chic. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 There's an after dinner speaker does the rounds in Scotland with a very dry, CM humour. He's an ex-barrister thus: "I was walking down the street one day when I saw an old client of mine who I hadn't seen in years, Davie, a bit of a crook and sometime bankrobber" "Hello Davie" says I, "It must be ten years since I've seen you. What have you been doing?" "Ten years" was his reply. Another - "They say they're having trouble getting the pandas in Edinburgh zoo to breed. Have they tried putting them on benefits?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Connolly Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 A guy is driving home one day and he sees a sign in front of a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back garden. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one thought a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a load of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, spent some time playing Schmeichel in Corrie, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten quid" the guy says. "Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blootoon87 Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 How do you track Will Smith in the snow?Follow the fresh prints. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 1 hour ago, NewBornBairn said: There's an after dinner speaker does the rounds in Scotland with a very dry, CM humour. He's an ex-barrister thus: "I was walking down the street one day when I saw an old client of mine who I hadn't seen in years, Davie, a bit of a crook and sometime bankrobber" "Hello Davie" says I, "It must be ten years since I've seen you. What have you been doing?" "Ten years" was his reply. Another - "They say they're having trouble getting the pandas in Edinburgh zoo to breed. Have they tried putting them on benefits?" Reminds me of another.... This guy appears in court charged with stealing an overcoat. The judge looks at him closely. "Didn't you appear before me about 5 years ago, charged with stealing an overcoat" he asks. "Yes M'Lud" says the accused ,"but how long do you think an overcoat should last?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bold Rover Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 Pharmacist: Would you like me to put your pills in a bottle? Chic: No, I'll just roll them home. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 Still on the Chic theme 'I knocked and this woman opened the door in her nightdress. I thought to myself at the time what a strange place to have a door' 'I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 So I knocked on the door of the guest house and when the landlady answered I said to her, "I'd like to stay here!" She said, "Stay there, then," and shut the door. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 Do people with dyslexia think they have dailysex? My wife's dyslexic And if she does then I want to know who with 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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