Family estrangement

[RH33]

3 hours ago, BFTD said:

It seems to be unfortunately common. The best thing seems to be finding regular ways to let them know you're thinking about them and continue planning as though they're still in your life (setting money aside, supporting them financially, etc).

I've known way too many people who've had a row with their kid or ex and just chucked in the towel. That would kill me, and you seem like your kids are important to you too, so you have my sympathies. Better times ahead eventually if you just keep plodding on.

Yeah, sent text recently but didn't get reply. I'll be here when we decides I'm not the worst person in world. However long that takes.

 

[Crawford Bridge]

I've not spoken to my sister since a falling out January.

Cutting out a toxic control freak is the right thing to do for me, my wife and child but I'm struggling with the fact this is hurting our mother. 

[Jacksgranda]

Three of the grandchildren have virtually nil contact with their father - the final straw was when he failed to show up for Christmas, my wife got a rather cryptic message from his mother about a "family crisis" - he'd been arrested for assault.

Their mother encourages them to keep in contact but none of them want to, they've been let down by him so many time, plus he's threatened their mother with the police, he drives by the house to see if she's visitors, plus he pays as little as possible, he sent a text to one of the boys yesterday out of the blue - he just laughed.

[TxRover]

It's a sad thing, but at a certain point the cutting of contact can become necessary. I'd been fighting to try to keep my 17 y-o in contact with their mother, but a recent series of texts concluded with "OK, well I hope you do well on your exam today and don't bother worrying about your grandpa cold and dead in the hospital." Thankfully, I had decided that I shouldn't wait until after the exam before telling them about grandpa's surprise death (since they weren't that close, and I sort of expected the ex to say something), but that kind of message at 7AM before a college level exam made it clear I've been wrong. Some people are just, well, poisonous. Hopefully she gets help and can reconnect later if she straightens out, but I'm no longer feeling guilty about the lack of communication.

[effeffsee_the2nd]

On 01/05/2024 at 16:56, Jives Miguel said:

I feel estranged from my family. I don't have a close bond with any of them, and never have done ever. 

This is kinda  how I feel, whilst there is no traumatic or dramatic incidents of falling out we just are not that close, I can talk to my mum dad and sister in small doses but not any serious socialising. Thing is the 3 of them are all pretty close with each other. My sister lives in England yet they see each other more than me who lives just a couple miles away. maybe it's me lol

[BFTD]

I spent a lot of time with a girlfriend's family when we were teenagers, and I found their interactions bizarre. She had two siblings, and none of them spoke unless necessary.  Their parents barely spoke to any of them; most of their communication was done via a huge whiteboard in their kitchen, where they all had a different colour marker and would leave messages for each other; bland, functional stuff in perfunctory language. Their father seemed quite close with the youngest though, and they'd lock themselves away in the basement to work on projects together.

Their mother would quite openly discuss how she was looking forward all of them reaching eighteen so she could have the house to herself, as one way or another they'd be expected to move out. My girlfriend went to uni at eighteen and had no further contact with her family in the rest of the time I knew her; not even the occasional call to make sure she was OK.

You'd think there was some kind of enmity involved, but I never saw any - they just acted like a household of strangers who found themselves temporarily hostelled together. They're obviously an extreme example, but the more you talk to people about it, the more it seems like the image of families being close and looking after each other might be a bit of an illusion.

[Venti]

My sister hasn't spoken to me for about 10yrs. Weird thing is, I've no idea why.

No big argument/bust up. Doesn't reply to anything. (I know she's still alive btw)

[Hedgecutter]

My two younger brothers don't speak to my dad who my mum hates (with good reason if her side of the story is accurate).  This causes a fair bit of tension seeing as I keep in touch with him as he takes more interest in me than my mum does, and helped me in ways other than financial ones. 

On my last visit to my mum she brought it back up in a gentle manner by saying "I'll never stop you seeing your dad".  A considerable and surprisingly mellow approach that suggested a big change after over 20 years of conflict. Unfortunately she then finished it all off by saying "I'm so proud of your younger brother for disowning him".  I can't help but see it as another attempt knowing the other approach won't work.  The underlying tension is always there.

FWIW, I'm currently on my way to meet up with one of my brothers who I've yet to see this year.  Not actively avoiding each other, just never got around to it (living over 100 miles away doesn't help).  Must admit that I'm only down because I've been visiting my mum in hospital nearby though.  We're very much in the 'can just meet up whenever and carry on from last time' camp.

Edited May 22 by Hedgecutter

[RH33]

Through my work I've come to realise that estrangement isn't unusual at all and a lot people have passing Comms with family. 

[Cosmic Joe]

My paternal grandfather robbed the gas meter and estranged himself from his mother and twin brother from thereon in.

My best advice is that you don't have to be close pals with your family, but try to be civil.

Our grown up kids probably still think I'm a tit, but continue to come on holiday with us.

Maybe we got lucky

[BFTD]

1 hour ago, Cosmic Joe said:

My paternal grandfather robbed the gas meter and estranged himself from his mother and twin brother from thereon in.

My best advice is that you don't have to be close pals with your family, but try to be civil.

Our grown up kids probably still think I'm a tit, but continue to come on holiday with us.

Maybe we got lucky

TBF, I'd come on holiday with you if you were paying.

You've reminded me of an example from my own family - my grandmother was one of 13 kids, and three of her brothers went into business together for a while. They were unexpectedly successful and started making some decent money. After a while, one of them didn't show up for work one day, and eventually the other two discovered that their brother had emptied the business bank account and fucked off to the Far East with the proceeds. Finished the business and caused them a load of grief with work they'd committed to and couldn't complete.

Years later, after the money was spent, he arrived back in town and acted like nothing had happened. My gran asked the youngest how he could bear being around him and the answer was, "oh, that's just <x> - he's always been like that". Families, eh?

[DontMessYourKidsUp]

On 22/05/2024 at 02:08, BFTD said:

I spent a lot of time with a girlfriend's family when we were teenagers, and I found their interactions bizarre. She had two siblings, and none of them spoke unless necessary.  Their parents barely spoke to any of them; most of their communication was done via a huge whiteboard in their kitchen, where they all had a different colour marker and would leave messages for each other; bland, functional stuff in perfunctory language. Their father seemed quite close with the youngest though, and they'd lock themselves away in the basement to work on projects together.

Their mother would quite openly discuss how she was looking forward all of them reaching eighteen so she could have the house to herself, as one way or another they'd be expected to move out. My girlfriend went to uni at eighteen and had no further contact with her family in the rest of the time I knew her; not even the occasional call to make sure she was OK.

You'd think there was some kind of enmity involved, but I never saw any - they just acted like a household of strangers who found themselves temporarily hostelled together. They're obviously an extreme example, but the more you talk to people about it, the more it seems like the image of families being close and looking after each other might be a bit of an illusion.

As the aforementioned gf who randomly happened upon this in a very freak way, I can strongly recommend parents not completely traumatise their children in this way.  If that's all you're used to, you don't realise that it can be any different, but once you get out, you realise emotional neglect is not only real but can stick with you forever and take you down some very dark paths socially even if you can be successful in other ways.  Fwiw, the whiteboard is reportedly still there (wanted to post an ironic pic but don't have one it seems); I still have no contact with either parent, and my youngest brother still lives at home and does basement projects with my dad...  I suspect at least my mom has a personality disorder tbh, or is possibly on the spectrum.  We will never know so there seems to be little point dwelling on it.

This is an incredibly validating post as I've spent 20+ years wondering if I was crazy because only I remember this and of course, no-one in my family talks about it.  So thank you for bringing it up.

Edited May 24 by DontMessYourKidsUp

[Bert Raccoon]

@BFTD

Edited May 24 by Bert Raccoon

[scottsdad]

Not me or my family but if we're into the realms of family thefts...

My dad was a policeman, and part of his job was to train younger officers, the probationers. One went on to become the Chief Constable of Fife (before Police Scotland). Another one hit the news about 10 years ago. He and his wife were "looking after" his elderly mum. The mum got alarmed when one of her direct debits bounced. She thought she had money in the bank but no - they had drained about 60k off her over a period of time. 

The story is here. https://www.heraldscotland.com/news/15607579.ex-policeman-left-counting-cost-family-plundering-mothers-bank-account/

Anyway, as a follow up, a couple of years ago his siblings decided to try to be charitable and reach out, to try to mend their relationship with him (which, naturally, had been shattered by this). He went to the siblings house with his wife, had a few drinks, had an argument and drove off. 

The siblings phoned the police as soon as he left, and he was done for drink driving. 

[Wacky]

We had an aunt who was married to a wealthy man, she ran away with an even wealthier man and was never seen again. She is probably dead now, as her two younger sisters have both passed, one being my mum.
Her husband apparently paid private investigators to look for her, and reported her missing to the polis, but no trace was ever found of her again. As far as I’m aware she has been on the missing persons list for almost 70 years 

[Sergeant Wilson]

2 minutes ago, Wacky said:

We had an aunt who was married to a wealthy man, she ran away with an even wealthier man and was never seen again. She is probably dead now, as her two younger sisters have both passed, one being my mum.
Her husband apparently paid private investigators to look for her, and reported her missing to the polis, but no trace was ever found of her again. As far as I’m aware she has been on the missing persons list for almost 70 years 

Did your uncle get the garden done up about then?

[Wacky]

11 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

Did your uncle get the garden done up about then?

I wasn’t born at the time, but the suspicion was on the guy she allegedly ran away with. My uncle maybe got away with one though. 
ETA, my mum always thought that her new man binned her and pride would have kept her from coming back. She was one of those people that would cut her nose off to spite her face 

Edited May 24 by Wacky

[Sergeant Wilson]

5 minutes ago, Wacky said:

I wasn’t born at the time, but the suspicion was on the guy she allegedly ran away with. My uncle maybe got away with one though. 

 

[BFTD]

5 hours ago, Bert Raccoon said:

@BFTD

There's been some very odd responses to my posts from recently signed-up accounts lately.

Still, if they're willing to pay the money that the actual person owes me, I'm happy to take it. Their tone would also be a lot more...bitter, shall we say, so I'd amend that.

[Florentine_Pogen]

6 hours ago, DontMessYourKidsUp said:

As the aforementioned gf who randomly happened upon this in a very freak way, I can strongly recommend parents not completely traumatise their children in this way.  If that's all you're used to, you don't realise that it can be any different, but once you get out, you realise emotional neglect is not only real but can stick with you forever and take you down some very dark paths socially even if you can be successful in other ways.  Fwiw, the whiteboard is reportedly still there (wanted to post an ironic pic but don't have one it seems); I still have no contact with either parent, and my youngest brother still lives at home and does basement projects with my dad...  I suspect at least my mom has a personality disorder tbh, or is possibly on the spectrum.  We will never know so there seems to be little point dwelling on it.

This is an incredibly validating post as I've spent 20+ years wondering if I was crazy because only I remember this and of course, no-one in my family talks about it.  So thank you for bringing it up.

2 minutes ago, BFTD said:

There's been some very odd responses to my posts from recently signed-up accounts lately.

Still, if they're willing to pay the money that the actual person owes me, I'm happy to take it. Their tone would also be a lot more...bitter, shall we say, so I'd amend that.

Is that response from DMYKU an AI thing ? Are they really that good ?