Bonksy+HisChristianParade Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 3 hours ago, Hedgecutter said: I really can't stress this enough. Hopefully not too much of a tangent here, but I got caught up in the middle of the aforementioned sh*t-flinging as a kid (being the messenger for various things, getting interrogated for info upon returning from weekends, etc) and all that happened is that I lost respect for both parents, more and more so looking back at it all an adult. Long story short: don't involve the kids; it doesn't end well for anybody. Was your old man @8MileBU? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homer Thompson Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 18 hours ago, TxRover said: Splitting custody with equal times tends to be confusing or unsettling to the kids, especially possible if there are some ability issues as well. Stability is better, but so called alternate nesting is a difficult road too (one house for the kids and you swap times staying there). Ideally allowing the kids one home and another care location might be the best solution, but it can short change one parent. The recommendation for legal advice is solid. Based on what? Why would an equal split be any more or less confusing than alternate weekends? Kids like routine. When I split up with my kids mother I was adamant that every other weekend wasnt enough and I wanted them more often. We agreed on Sat night - Tues they are with me, Tues night to Sat they are with her and they come round after school on Thursday, have dinner at mine and then I take them back to her. We've been doing that for nearly five years and its worked really well. Splitting it like this has meant that theres no pressure to "do something" when they are round here. We didnt get lawyers involved, but there were no joint assets involved. We started off by making a Parenting Plan (https://www.mygov.scot/parentingplan) which isnt really any more complicated than writing down what you've agreed. I think the key things to remember are, kids are tougher than you think and will deal with the situation. It might not be easy for them, but they will be ok. And, as bad as things might seem now, they will get better 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oneteaminglasgow Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 I can’t offer any practical advice having neither been married or had weans, but if you’re wanting to vent or chat or whatever then feel free to DM us @Throwaway 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mozam76 Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 On 21/02/2024 at 21:21, Throwaway said: Throwaway account for obvious reasons, although I dare say some folk will be able to work out who I am. It's looking likely that my wife and I will be separating soon. We've been together nearly 18 years and married nearly 12. We have three kids. Our children have various levels of disabilities and to say we have had a hard marriage would be an understatement. Years of constant fights with councils, schools, health authorities have taken their toll. We're now constantly bickering and arguing with each other, and due to a couple of poor financial decision over the past few years are in a smaller house than we've ever been. We're constantly under each other's feet and making each other miserable. And it's starting to affect the kids, and for both of us that's a deal breaker. I guess I'm still a bit hopeful we can work things out - we have before - but I think this time may be it. We've spoken maturely about it and we do still love each other very much, so we are thinking of possibly a Living Together Apart situation may be workable, but we're not sure. Plan is that my wife will look to move somewhere else with the kids. I'll continue to stay in our current house and get it ready to go on the market, and then sell it and look to buy myself somewhere suitable for the kids as well. We'll then co-parent and the kids will spend half the week with me and half the week with her. I guess I'm just looking for a bit reassurance from anyone who's been through similar that it can work out. We want to remain amicable, and remain friends and continue to do family things together. But it's tough just now as we're both still living in the same house and will be for the forseeable. Shite situation, and I really feel for you. All of you in fact. I see your situation daily and I dare say it’s no comfort at all, but the amount of relationships that break down is staggering. You’re not on your own. In relation to your last paragraph - it absolutely can work out. That absolutely depends on the individuals involved though. Lots of give and take will be needed. Be open minded - too many people go into these situations completely closed to any sort of compromise, be it around the kids, or the finances, or the house, or whatever. All the very best. PM me anytime. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgecutter Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 (edited) 1 hour ago, Homer Thompson said: Based on what? Why would an equal split be any more or less confusing than alternate weekends? Kids like routine. When I split up with my kids mother I was adamant that every other weekend wasnt enough and I wanted them more often. We agreed on Sat night - Tues they are with me, Tues night to Sat they are with her and they come round after school on Thursday, have dinner at mine and then I take them back to her. We've been doing that for nearly five years and its worked really well. Splitting it like this has meant that theres no pressure to "do something" when they are round here. I would have got fed up of packing bags every few days tbh, unless I was to have double of numerous things in two houses? Lumping all my school stuff from house to house in particular, or only having access to some of it at any given time for example. Want to play on the (then) Sega on a Thursday? Tough, wait until you're back at the Sega house on Sunday, etc. At least all that alternate weekends involves is packing a change of clothes & whatever electronic device one uses. Maybe it's a chore they just get used to (like doing the dishes or whatever), but without trying to be critical here, the whole split home setup just strikes me as something that's done for the parents' benefit at the expense of the kids' tbh. Everyone's different of course, but I would have far preferred the alternative weekend thing (which we had) rather than a split week. Hopefully you don't need to deal with the tedious "you owe me a day" thing should the kids stay at a family member's / go to a Scout camp / Whatever for a full Sat-Sun spell. *can one have multiple homes? Is it important to have a home? Who knows. Edited February 22 by Hedgecutter 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TxRover Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 5 hours ago, Homer Thompson said: Based on what? Why would an equal split be any more or less confusing than alternate weekends? Kids like routine. When I split up with my kids mother I was adamant that every other weekend wasnt enough and I wanted them more often. We agreed on Sat night - Tues they are with me, Tues night to Sat they are with her and they come round after school on Thursday, have dinner at mine and then I take them back to her. We've been doing that for nearly five years and its worked really well. Splitting it like this has meant that theres no pressure to "do something" when they are round here. We didnt get lawyers involved, but there were no joint assets involved. We started off by making a Parenting Plan (https://www.mygov.scot/parentingplan) which isnt really any more complicated than writing down what you've agreed. I think the key things to remember are, kids are tougher than you think and will deal with the situation. It might not be easy for them, but they will be ok. And, as bad as things might seem now, they will get better Hedgecutter has the gist of it. It IS about routine, and it sounds like your kids have everything they need at both locales, the problem comes when they have issues about what is where when. There are other things such as the travel times to school might be a half hour longer from one home than the other, resulting in unsettled sleep schedules or such. Even worse is where the kids start dreading certain days because it’s when they change. No, it isn’t all kids that have these issues, but it is pretty common. I just wanted to highlight the need to put yourself in the kids shoes to view things. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 Sounds like the perfect set up for a swingers party surely? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RH33 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 I have only read what was quoted of TX Rover but copious studies have shown that the best outcome for children of seperated couples is shared equally split with set routines. The adjustment of any routine to children, with or without disabilities is unsettling and has to be carefully managed. Once seperate then ideally you have to live life making them the first priority and consideration, not that that always happens. However, I'd also not be taking advice from someone who's every post seems be AI generated. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 4 hours ago, throbber said: Sounds like the perfect set up for a swingers party surely? I've missed you, Throbs. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 Yet another parent here agreeing with the routine thing. That's probably true for most adults as well, thinking about it, but kids need to know what they're doing. Trying to keep them out of your personal disagreements is important too. It can backfire badly on the one doing it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homer Thompson Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 11 hours ago, TxRover said: Hedgecutter has the gist of it. It IS about routine, and it sounds like your kids have everything they need at both locales, the problem comes when they have issues about what is where when. There are other things such as the travel times to school might be a half hour longer from one home than the other, resulting in unsettled sleep schedules or such. Even worse is where the kids start dreading certain days because it’s when they change. No, it isn’t all kids that have these issues, but it is pretty common. I just wanted to highlight the need to put yourself in the kids shoes to view things. Well, no that isnt what you highlighted. You specifically said one way of doing things "tends to be confusing or unsettling." Its a pretty massive assumption that any of those practical things - which school stuff is where etc - has a negative effect on kids compared to spending massively inequal time with each parent. Do you have any actual evidence from studies to back any of this up? Because ... 5 hours ago, RH33 said: I have only read what was quoted of TX Rover but copious studies have shown that the best outcome for children of seperated couples is shared equally split with set routines. The adjustment of any routine to children, with or without disabilities is unsettling and has to be carefully managed. Once seperate then ideally you have to live life making them the first priority and consideration, not that that always happens. However, I'd also not be taking advice from someone who's every post seems be AI generated. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VincentGuerin Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 Good luck to the OP. I'd echo the advice about being prepared for the unexpected in terms of how people behave in these situations. Legally, if possible. Two ongoing situations in my missus' family. One a divorce for her sister and the other a fuss over an inheritence that has seen some loose ends not tied up by the person leaving it. The two happening together has not been fun. Both events have descended into utter fucking shambles, as people simply start to behave differently when an old allegiance is gone and money is on the line. Something I saw coming from years away to be honest, at least in relation to the inheritance, and am quite sad to have been proven correct. It's her family's money and we're both very hands-off with each other's families, but I've gently suggested over the years that some loose ends be tied up on that money legally. I can say this 100% honestly; my motivation for that was to avoid acrimony when the day came rather than our financial betterment. We don't need the money and I'm not arsed about it. I honestly just wanted everything tied up so there was no discussion and no room for arseholery. Sadly, that didn't happen. Me and the missus are fine. I genuinely mean it when I say neither of us are arsed about money and we have what we need and are happy with it. But always be prepared for unexpectedly unreasonable and unkind behaviour when there are suddenly disputes like this, and take it as a massive win if you avoid them. We've genuinely tried to be nice to everyone and are as hands-off about it all as we could be, but there are relationships that won't be fixed after this. Take care to cover yourself and treat everyone else involved in good faith. Hopefully that way you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror and also be in good shape to have the future you want. Good luck to you, and just keep one foot in front of the other. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TxRover Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 11 hours ago, RH33 said: I have only read what was quoted of TX Rover but copious studies have shown that the best outcome for children of seperated couples is shared equally split with set routines. The adjustment of any routine to children, with or without disabilities is unsettling and has to be carefully managed. Once seperate then ideally you have to live life making them the first priority and consideration, not that that always happens. However, I'd also not be taking advice from someone who's every post seems be AI generated. Love you too. Anyway, my point was that there are tonnes of studies both ways, but I do absolutely agree a set routine is key IF the children are on board with it. There are far too many situations where some fantasy schedule is set forth that ignores the kids interests (a child in sports being shuttled between abodes, and prevented from fully participating in those sports) in the name of evenhandedness. I know a number of people whose young lives were upended by a schedule they hated and were compelled to adhere to. They would have to be dragged kicking and screaming from one parent to the other. In those cases, equally shared failed miserably. In this case, the disabilities of the involved children should be one of the first considerations for both the parents and the courts in devising a structure that works for them, rather than compelling an even plan. I also know first hand that sometimes you don’t even see things that should be of paramount importance until you have a little distance. The behavior of a party may argue for much less than equal sharing, especially if their actions cause distress and anxiety to the kids…something that often isn’t evident. P.S. If you read the game threads, I’m just a shill for playing young players, not an AI. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 Hello, so as a few folk have guessed (I've had some messages from folk who know me on here and elsewhere) it is my wife and I who are separating. We're doing it as amicably as we can, for the benefit of the kids and ourselves. For anyone who's been through, could I ask how much they paid for a separation agreement? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TxRover Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 16 minutes ago, Gaz said: Hello, so as a few folk have guessed (I've had some messages from folk who know me on here and elsewhere) it is my wife and I who are separating. We're doing it as amicably as we can, for the benefit of the kids and ourselves. For anyone who's been through, could I ask how much they paid for a separation agreement? If, at all possible, be using a solicitor who you have been referred to by people with experience with them. The number of people reporting delays, confusion and mistakes in situations like this is disheartening at best…I was lucky and had the good one, the ex has been through two and is considering a third. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gnash Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 8 hours ago, Gaz said: Hello, so as a few folk have guessed (I've had some messages from folk who know me on here and elsewhere) it is my wife and I who are separating. We're doing it as amicably as we can, for the benefit of the kids and ourselves. For anyone who's been through, could I ask how much they paid for a separation agreement? It's not expensive at all to pay for a solicitor to draft a separation agreement, probably a £200-300, if that's all they're doing. In other words, if you and your soon-to-be-ex agree on everything and give them that to put into legal language. There are also a few mandatory fees you will have to pay, especially if there is a jointly owned home involved. The real fees crop up when there is disagreement over elements - then you have to go back and forward between the solicitors, they have to make suggestions, discuss them with you, counter proposals from the other side etc. Then it's a case of 'how long is a piece of string'. In my case, my fee was in the region of £2000, and I had feared much worse. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 Pay a tramp £1000 to kill her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ross. Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said: Pay a tramp £1000 to kill her. Inflation for you. In my day they’d have done it for 6 cans of Special Brew. ETA: Her sister has not long gone through that, and the divorce is ongoing. I’d say as long as you can both act like adults it should be easy to sort out, but it requires both of you to act like adults. Unfortunately in their case, that hasn’t happened. As for shared custody, me and my older brother stayed at my mums during the week and my dads every weekend. Can’t speak for him, but I certainly wouldn’t have changed my upbringing. I can’t be certain, but I think that goes back to them acting like adults and putting us first, or at least that’s how it seems to have been from my perspective. Edited March 1 by Ross. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hk blues Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 Just now, Ross. said: Inflation for you. In my day they’d have done it for 6 cans of Special Brew. I'll do it for 6 cans of Special Brew. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 27 minutes ago, Ross. said: Inflation for you. In my day they’d have done it for 6 cans of Special Brew. ETA: Her sister has not long gone through that, and the divorce is ongoing. I’d say as long as you can both act like adults it should be easy to sort out, but it requires both of you to act like adults. Unfortunately in their case, that hasn’t happened. As for shared custody, me and my older brother stayed at my mums during the week and my dads every weekend. Can’t speak for him, but I certainly wouldn’t have changed my upbringing. I can’t be certain, but I think that goes back to them acting like adults and putting us first, or at least that’s how it seems to have been from my perspective. Ideally the tramp will be dead shortly afterwards with that kind of money to spend, thus covering your tracks. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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