Impending Separation / Living Together Apart

[Throwaway]

Throwaway account for obvious reasons, although I dare say some folk will be able to work out who I am.

It's looking likely that my wife and I will be separating soon. We've been together nearly 18 years and married nearly 12. We have three kids. Our children have various levels of disabilities and to say we have had a hard marriage would be an understatement. Years of constant fights with councils, schools, health authorities have taken their toll. We're now constantly bickering and arguing with each other, and due to a couple of poor financial decision over the past few years are in a smaller house than we've ever been. We're constantly under each other's feet and making each other miserable. And it's starting to affect the kids, and for both of us that's a deal breaker.

I guess I'm still a bit hopeful we can work things out - we have before - but I think this time may be it. We've spoken maturely about it and we do still love each other very much, so we are thinking of possibly a Living Together Apart situation may be workable, but we're not sure.

Plan is that my wife will look to move somewhere else with the kids. I'll continue to stay in our current house and get it ready to go on the market, and then sell it and look to buy myself somewhere suitable for the kids as well. We'll then co-parent and the kids will spend half the week with me and half the week with her.

I guess I'm just looking for a bit reassurance from anyone who's been through similar that it can work out. We want to remain amicable, and remain friends and continue to do family things together. But it's tough just now as we're both still living in the same house and will be for the forseeable.

[scottsdad]

I'm sorry I can't offer any practical advice. But I do wish you and the family all the best going forward.

[carpetmonster]

46 minutes ago, Throwaway said:

Throwaway account for obvious reasons, although I dare say some folk will be able to work out who I am.

It's looking likely that my wife and I will be separating soon. We've been together nearly 18 years and married nearly 12. We have three kids. Our children have various levels of disabilities and to say we have had a hard marriage would be an understatement. Years of constant fights with councils, schools, health authorities have taken their toll. We're now constantly bickering and arguing with each other, and due to a couple of poor financial decision over the past few years are in a smaller house than we've ever been. We're constantly under each other's feet and making each other miserable. And it's starting to affect the kids, and for both of us that's a deal breaker.

I guess I'm still a bit hopeful we can work things out - we have before - but I think this time may be it. We've spoken maturely about it and we do still love each other very much, so we are thinking of possibly a Living Together Apart situation may be workable, but we're not sure.

Plan is that my wife will look to move somewhere else with the kids. I'll continue to stay in our current house and get it ready to go on the market, and then sell it and look to buy myself somewhere suitable for the kids as well. We'll then co-parent and the kids will spend half the week with me and half the week with her.

I guess I'm just looking for a bit reassurance from anyone who's been through similar that it can work out. We want to remain amicable, and remain friends and continue to do family things together. But it's tough just now as we're both still living in the same house and will be for the forseeable.

I'm not going to ping him, just in case he'd rather not weigh in, but if you look at the depression thread there's a poster gone thru similar the last couple months mate, might be useful to have a squint at those posts. 

[Gnash]

50 minutes ago, Throwaway said:

Throwaway account for obvious reasons, although I dare say some folk will be able to work out who I am.

It's looking likely that my wife and I will be separating soon. We've been together nearly 18 years and married nearly 12. We have three kids. Our children have various levels of disabilities and to say we have had a hard marriage would be an understatement. Years of constant fights with councils, schools, health authorities have taken their toll. We're now constantly bickering and arguing with each other, and due to a couple of poor financial decision over the past few years are in a smaller house than we've ever been. We're constantly under each other's feet and making each other miserable. And it's starting to affect the kids, and for both of us that's a deal breaker.

I guess I'm still a bit hopeful we can work things out - we have before - but I think this time may be it. We've spoken maturely about it and we do still love each other very much, so we are thinking of possibly a Living Together Apart situation may be workable, but we're not sure.

Plan is that my wife will look to move somewhere else with the kids. I'll continue to stay in our current house and get it ready to go on the market, and then sell it and look to buy myself somewhere suitable for the kids as well. We'll then co-parent and the kids will spend half the week with me and half the week with her.

I guess I'm just looking for a bit reassurance from anyone who's been through similar that it can work out. We want to remain amicable, and remain friends and continue to do family things together. But it's tough just now as we're both still living in the same house and will be for the forseeable.

Really hope it works out well for you.

Unfortunately, based on my own experience, I can't say that it will.  I strongly advise getting legal advice as soon as possible - you are not committing to anything, but they can tell you about things you will not have thought of, and are extremely important.  I would also advise considering the worst possible scenario, while still hoping for the best.

I had an absolutely grim 8 months living with my wife after she'd said she wanted to separate, roughly equally split between the time to 'official' separation and then the time to me moving out.  The evenings after the kids had gone to bed were truly horrible - just ignoring each other in adjoining rooms, except for the regular (and scheduled) battles about how the separation should work legally.  At least we had the space in the house to ignore each other though - things would have been 10 times worse if we didn't have a 2nd living room and spare bedroom.

I'm 3 years down the line now and despite numerous issues (including legal) post separation, we are now at least civil with each other, and I think we managed to shield the kids from the worst of it.

As for me - I'm in a much better place now, compared to those dark, dark days.  I've had a bit of fun with dating, although I'm still looking for a long term relationship. Maybe, just maybe, I'm near the start of one at the moment.

Again, best wishes, just keep your eyes fully open.

[Richey Edwards]

I have no useful advice to offer but genuinely I wish you and your family all the best. I hope everything works out.

[TxRover]

Splitting custody with equal times tends to be confusing or unsettling to the kids, especially possible if there are some ability issues as well. Stability is better, but so called alternate nesting is a difficult road too (one house for the kids and you swap times staying there). Ideally allowing the kids one home and another care location might be the best solution, but it can short change one parent. The recommendation for legal advice is solid.

[Davy the Dug]

Firstly, I’m really sorry that you’re going through this, I know only too well how difficult it is to think about separation and still be living together, it’s horrible.

Secondly, the only practical advice I can provide is to think of the longer term when separating. It may be amicable in the first instance, but further down the line when you or your ex wife decide to move on and meet someone new, it can turn things nasty. I believe the term is getting your ducks in a row. It might seem like an unnecessary expense just now but get custody details drawn up and agreed by a solicitor. This will save you so much time, effort and money in the long term should the gloves come off.

I put myself through utter hell when I decided to officially divorce and have proper custody drawn up more than two years after separating and having an unofficial agreement with my ex. Had we done something in the first instance then it would have saved me so much hassle (and money!)

Over five years on my children and I are doing so much better, they split their time week about between my house and their Mum’s house.

I’m only using my own experience here, but remaining friends only works short term. However when the disagreements begin (and they will, I can assure you), do not let your frustrations get the better of you and discuss anything with the children.

Finally, I wish you and your family the best of luck. It may seem like you’re fighting to get through each day, but I genuinely mean it when I say things will get better.

Edited February 22 by Davy the Dug

[BFTD]

I don't think this is what the OP wants to hear at all, but there's a reason why "get a solicitor" is always the mantra when marriages break down. People have a tendency to reveal a different side to themselves once they've decided they no longer want to be tied to each other.

The formal custody arrangement is an excellent idea, but also make sure you have money squirrelled away somewhere for a retainer in case you unexpectedly find yourself served with papers and receiving demands you couldn't have imagined prior.

[Bairnardo]

You dont really have a choice in getting lawyers involved. I found that out when we decided to split recently. We just wanted to agree shit ourselves and crack on but thats not an option. As soon as a house is to be sold etc, you must legally seperate. So you're doing that regardless. As far as keeping it amicable, well we have managed thus far, but im finding the time at home whilst we wait for her to move out to be increasingly like a limbo. Big pause button on our lives even though we are still doing basically what we always did, we both know its not what we are doing long term so it feels off. On that basis, I can say living together but apart would have been no life for either of us. 

I think I have a rough idea who you are, but wont say in case im wrong, but if you're local to me as I tihnk you might be, happy to recommend the lawyer I used etc. We agreed everything ourselves and only instructed 1 lawyer rather than 1 each, so half the costs. Its still a costly business though. 

PM me from whichever account you want if you want any practical advice albeit from someone who's only a few weeks further down the line than you but in a very similar sounding situation

[alta-pete]

I’ll add a view, albeit from 15 years or so ago so things may have moved on since my experience. 

You are, hopefully, a couple of grown ups - your childrens’ situation has maybe forced that on you both. Try and sit down and agree the bones of what you both want. For us, I had the kids Mon/Tues, she Thurs/Fri and we alternated Weds and weekends. That was helped (probably significantly) by me moving out only a couple of hundred yards away rather than to a completely new town. 

Everything, I thought, was agreed and equitable until she decided to get a Solicitor involved who essentially ripped up all that we agreed, started from first principles, took several months and a couple of grand later to end up basically back where we started. 

Legal advice is essential. But if you can both agree something and keep the attack dogs at bay that I think is hugely valuable. 

I’ve seen this movie, I’ve been in this movie. It’s horrible for a time but you should all come out of it happier and for the better at some point, just hopefully try your best to make it sooner rather than later. 

Best of luck. 

[RH33]

Get a lawyer. Get the finances sorted. 

[Bairnardo]

7 minutes ago, alta-pete said:

I’ll add a view, albeit from 15 years or so ago so things may have moved on since my experience. 

You are, hopefully, a couple of grown ups - your childrens’ situation has maybe forced that on you both. Try and sit down and agree the bones of what you both want. For us, I had the kids Mon/Tues, she Thurs/Fri and we alternated Weds and weekends. That was helped (probably significantly) by me moving out only a couple of hundred yards away rather than to a completely new town. 

Everything, I thought, was agreed and equitable until she decided to get a Solicitor involved who essentially ripped up all that we agreed, started from first principles, took several months and a couple of grand later to end up basically back where we started. 

Legal advice is essential. But if you can both agree something and keep the attack dogs at bay that I think is hugely valuable. 

I’ve seen this movie, I’ve been in this movie. It’s horrible for a time but you should all come out of it happier and for the better at some point, just hopefully try your best to make it sooner rather than later. 

Best of luck. 

Just to add to this (and to flesh out the practical side of what I said), its obviously case by case. In my case, we agreed that she would move, and I would stay. I would have to buy our her half of our marital home. For that to happen, you MUST get a separation agreement, because you need to transfer the title deeds into your sole name. To do that, you need a legal separations agreement. You cant get a mortgage to buy her out unless you take her name off the deeds. So its a closed loop of legal expense that you cant avoid. I dont really know how you would do it if the plan was to sell the house and split the money. As long as you clear any mortgage then I guess theres nothing stopping you avoiding the legal separation bit since your joint debt would be gone and you would just agree to split the equity thats left at the end. 

[GHF-23]

13 hours ago, Gnash said:

I'm 3 years down the line now and despite numerous issues (including legal) post separation, we are now at least civil with each other, and I think we managed to shield the kids from the worst of it.

As for me - I'm in a much better place now, compared to those dark, dark days.  I've had a bit of fun with dating, although I'm still looking for a long term relationship. Maybe, just maybe, I'm near the start of one at the moment.

Again, best wishes, just keep your eyes fully open.

I am very sorry that you had such a difficult time with your separation and am very glad that you feel you are recovering. HOWEVER, this section combined with the AP avatar had me reading it in his voice and I was howling laughing

[TxRover]

Echoing the above note, a lawyer recommendation is always good, even if it’s a recommendation to avoid. Some lawyers are more responsive or do better in these sorts of cases, and (take my word from it) that’s far from unimportant. My ex actually got fired by her first lawyer for dithering and failing to respond to him in a timely manner (within two days in most cases, within 4 hours when she failed to do an agreed upon thing necessary to proceed at a time she picked). The second lawyer was competent, but overwhelmed and has caused even me issues with the delays in her processing items and responding to the judge or my lawyer.

Personal experience with a lawyer is one of the best things you can hear about…another friend got divorced and called her brother to ask for his ex’s lawyer’s name because he had been on top of everything in the divorce.

[scottsdad]

On "living  together apart", when I was growing up a boy lived across the road from me, with both parents. They had divorced but continued to live together (even had other partners, etc). When the boy went off to uni his parents continued to live together in the same house. 

The dad was a beer taster for the brewery. He was also a bit eccentric. 

I know this isn't any kind of support or help, but just to make the point that the "living together apart" bit isn't always terrible. 

[Florentine_Pogen]

13 minutes ago, scottsdad said:

The dad was a beer taster for the brewery.

Getting paid to be a jakeball ?

Reeeeezult !

[ICTChris]

17 minutes ago, scottsdad said:

On "living  together apart", when I was growing up a boy lived across the road from me, with both parents. They had divorced but continued to live together (even had other partners, etc). When the boy went off to uni his parents continued to live together in the same house. 

The dad was a beer taster for the brewery. He was also a bit eccentric. 

I know this isn't any kind of support or help, but just to make the point that the "living together apart" bit isn't always terrible. 

I have a friend who was in a relationship with someone who moved in with them from abroad.  They split up and continued to live together as her partner had no family to go and stay with as a bridge to getting his own place.  This period included her ex getting new 'short-term' partners, which my friend found hard to deal with, which is probably fair enough.

I wonder if you could say it's a symptom of the housing crisis in the UK, certainly in places like Edinburgh it must be hard to find a place at relatively short notice.

I hope all the posters on this thread get all their seperations sorted out amicably and it works out best for everyone.  Can only echo what people say about a lawyer - I have no direct experience of this but from what I know that's a must.  Also, I think that however hard a break up is people have to focus on the bigger picture and their kids etc and just getting on with life.  I worked with a guy who had to arrange separate parents evening meetings with his kids teachers because he and his ex-wife couldn't sit in the same room, even for a few minutes to hear what their kids teachers were saying.  I think there was pretty significant infidelity on his part but surely at some point you have to be able to move on.  I guess it's easy for me to say not having been through it.

[Hedgecutter]

9 hours ago, alta-pete said:

That was helped (probably significantly) by me moving out only a couple of hundred yards away rather than to a completely new town. 

28 years on from their messy divorce and I still get uncomfortable when my parents are in the same country as each other, never mind the same street.

The earlier comment about people changing their tune post-divorce is bang on in their case.  You'd like to think that adults could act like adults (little things like not driving away with the other hanging out the car window after trying to get in the others face in front of the kids), but some folk can't help but end up in a sh*t-flinging contest that you'd expect from a playground.

That's not a tongue-in-cheek comment btw. Only different hemispheres will do, which is thankfully ~90% of the time.

Edited February 22 by Hedgecutter

[Hedgecutter]

On 21/02/2024 at 22:23, Gnash said:

I'm 3 years down the line now and despite numerous issues (including legal) post separation, we are now at least civil with each other, and I think we managed to shield the kids from the worst of it.

I really can't stress this enough.

Hopefully not too much of a tangent here, but I got caught up in the middle of the aforementioned sh*t-flinging as a kid (being the messenger for various things, getting interrogated for info upon returning from weekends, etc) and all that happened is that I lost respect for both parents, more and more so looking back at it all as an adult.

Long story short: don't involve the kids; it doesn't end well for anybody.

Edited February 22 by Hedgecutter

[DiegoDiego]

This thread makes for some very sad reading, I feel for all of you, life can be horrific at times despite the best of intentions. Never felt so glad to be a VL though.