Depression

[buchan30]

This is maybe a crossover between here and the strange dreams thread, but i seem to be dreaming a lot about my biggest worries. I know it’s nowhere near depression, i would probably say i am quite an anxious person, but wouldn’t think i have full blown anxiety. I just worry about the little things like how the boys are going to get on and how things are going with my marriage (even when things are fine). I don’t really worry about work, because i don’t do anything daft at work, get on with the nurses, the public etc. 

A few weeks ago, in my dream, my wife told me her dad had passed away and i actually woke with a massive jerk of my body. 
Recently i have thought sometimes i should be checking my groin for lumps, purely just incase. The other night i had a dream the doc was checking them because i thought i had found something. I could actually see him standing infront of me checking.
In a few weeks, we are going to Alton towers and i had a dream i was on an upside down ride and there was a weird child on it, facing us and just staring like nothing was going on. (And i have a fear of they sorts of rides)  Then last night i woke after dreaming that i was told that my gran was in-fact not dead and this had been kept from me for 8 years, although i woke before it could be explained why.

I know i seem like i am rambling on, but it’s kind of minced my head a bit this morning and i just needed somewhere to get it off my chest in the hope it will help. 

Edited July 24, 2023 by buchan30

[TxRover]

6 hours ago, buchan30 said:

This is maybe a crossover between here and the strange dreams thread, but i seem to be dreaming a lot about my biggest worries. I know it’s nowhere near depression, i would probably say i am quite an anxious person, but wouldn’t think i have full blown anxiety. I just worry about the little things like how the boys are going to get on and how things are going with my marriage (even when things are fine). I don’t really worry about work, because i don’t do anything daft at work, get on with the nurses, the public etc. 

A few weeks ago, in my dream, my wife told me her dad had passed away and i actually woke with a massive jerk of my body. 
Recently i have thought sometimes i should be checking my groin for lumps, purely just incase. The other night i had a dream the doc was checking them because i thought i had found something. I could actually see him standing infront of me checking.
In a few weeks, we are going to Alton towers and i had a dream i was on an upside down ride and there was a weird child on it, facing us and just staring like nothing was going on. (And i have a fear of they sorts of rides)  Then last night i woke after dreaming that i was told that my gran was in-fact not dead and this had been kept from me for 8 years, although i woke before it could be explained why.

I know i seem like i am rambling on, but it’s kind of minced my head a bit this morning and i just needed somewhere to get it off my chest in the hope it will help. 

I’ve had a few decades of occasional dreams of that sort. Seems to happen most during a period of stress, thr most common seem to be related to loss of control in a common situation (watching two planes coming together and the radios don’t work, fun stuff).

[buchan30]

2 hours ago, TxRover said:

I’ve had a few decades of occasional dreams of that sort. Seems to happen most during a period of stress, thr most common seem to be related to loss of control in a common situation (watching two planes coming together and the radios don’t work, fun stuff).

I’ve had a plane one as well, i see it take off in the distance, bank and then fall from the sky into a fireball behind a hill and i am stood there helpless. Again that has been at times where i have been under a lot of stress. So you are maybe right, it is maybe a control thing. My gym instructor always says (usually when it comes to nutrition) “control the things you can” but right now, there maybe just doesn’t feel like i have much control of things. 

 

Edited July 24, 2023 by buchan30

[TxRover]

32 minutes ago, buchan30 said:

I’ve had a plane one as well, i see it take off in the distance, bank and then fall from the sky into a fireball behind a hill and i am stood there helpless. Again that has been at times where i have been under a lot of stress. So you are maybe right, it is maybe a control thing. My gym instructor always says (usually when it comes to nutrition) “control the things you can” but right now, there maybe just doesn’t feel like i have much control of things. 

 

Seems that’s the case. It’s been a sordid year for stress dreams with the lawyers saying it’ll all work out but reality often doesn’t match that storyline. Nutrition might be the bogey for me, a good topic for me to consider and try to address, thanks!

[buchan30]

15 minutes ago, TxRover said:

Seems that’s the case. It’s been a sordid year for stress dreams with the lawyers saying it’ll all work out but reality often doesn’t match that storyline. Nutrition might be the bogey for me, a good topic for me to consider and try to address, thanks!

If you are addressing the nutritional side of things. Myfitnesspal is a good (free) way of keeping track of what goes in to your system. 
If you do try that, the first week have a normal one (not P&B style) but just a normal week eating the foods you usually would. Then see where you can cut back by 3-400 calories a day. Sounds a lot, but it’s only a couple of mars bars. Try and get as much protein on board as possible as well. I am at a minimum of 90g of protein, but sometimes manage more. Apparently your body uses more energy trying to break it down. Good luck. 

[Derry Alli]

I'll put this in spoilers as it's not about me and I'm looking for advice.

Spoiler

I work with a guy who has had an absolutely crazy life. His dad's a big drug dealer and fed him speed since like 11. He's a few years younger than me and left his past behind him. His wife is disabled and has the same disease he lost his mum to. He's done amazing to turn his life around from where it should be, all told. He's a father who pines on his kids but today he very nearly snapped and I told him to fuckoff to the van for a bit. When we spoke soon after we had a huge talk and the words he used were a little frightening. He's got a lot on his plate and after listening he clearly needs support/help but he's already on AD tablets, he's had therapists and sees it as a huge waste of time. I did get him into the office to speak to one of the staff who offered him support and she was great saying he will get to leave an hour or so early a few days a week (they will do it) and if he wants them to organise someone to talk to, they will.

I wasn't in the room obviously but it seemed massively helpful but nothing seems enough.

I'm worried there's a breakdown and/or attempt on the horizon. 

 

[TxRover]

23 minutes ago, Derry Alli said:

I'll put this in spoilers as it's not about me and I'm looking for advice.

  Reveal hidden contents

I work with a guy who has had an absolutely crazy life. His dad's a big drug dealer and fed him speed since like 11. He's a few years younger than me and left his past behind him. His wife is disabled and has the same disease he lost his mum to. He's done amazing to turn his life around from where it should be, all told. He's a father who pines on his kids but today he very nearly snapped and I told him to fuckoff to the van for a bit. When we spoke soon after we had a huge talk and the words he used were a little frightening. He's got a lot on his plate and after listening he clearly needs support/help but he's already on AD tablets, he's had therapists and sees it as a huge waste of time. I did get him into the office to speak to one of the staff who offered him support and she was great saying he will get to leave an hour or so early a few days a week (they will do it) and if he wants them to organise someone to talk to, they will.

I wasn't in the room obviously but it seemed massively helpful but nothing seems enough.

I'm worried there's a breakdown and/or attempt on the horizon. 

 

My obvious thought is take a few minutes to talk to the member of staff about this, your concerns, and how you might be able to help. If she’s the lead on trying to assist, she can possibly guide you.

[DA Baracus]

Not sure if it's bad heartburn, a muscle pull/strain or something up with my heart, but having periodic pains today and yesterday. Could be the overindulgence of the weekend or it could be years of abuse/neglect/stupidity/failure catching up with me.

It's odd, it only happens when I move in certain ways, so it won't come on when I'm just sitting down unless I move in some ways (other movement doesn't bring it on). But it's a pretty concerning pain. It seems to be there somewhat when lying on my left side but not on my right.

However I don't feel out of breath or anything (walked to Tesco and back earlier and it was fine, likewise when I Lidl earlier too) and don't have any arm or jaw pains at all.

Trying not to jump to any conclusions but a bit worried. Having been suicidal in the past I thought I wouldn't be as concerned but seems like I don't actually want to die any time soon. 

 

Will see how it is tomorrow and if it's still bad I'll try giving the GP a phone.

[TxRover]

3 hours ago, DA Baracus said:

Not sure if it's bad heartburn, a muscle pull/strain or something up with my heart, but having periodic pains today and yesterday. Could be the overindulgence of the weekend or it could be years of abuse/neglect/stupidity/failure catching up with me.

It's odd, it only happens when I move in certain ways, so it won't come on when I'm just sitting down unless I move in some ways (other movement doesn't bring it on). But it's a pretty concerning pain. It seems to be there somewhat when lying on my left side but not on my right.

However I don't feel out of breath or anything (walked to Tesco and back earlier and it was fine, likewise when I Lidl earlier too) and don't have any arm or jaw pains at all.

Trying not to jump to any conclusions but a bit worried. Having been suicidal in the past I thought I wouldn't be as concerned but seems like I don't actually want to die any time soon. 

 

Will see how it is tomorrow and if it's still bad I'll try giving the GP a phone.

Costochondritis is a fun possibility, or there’s also the case of stretching or tearing some of that cartilage. Either way it hurts like the dickens with certain movements and deep breaths. Luckily I did it in a way that made me expect the injury (over the handlebars of a scooter), but without that, I would have thought heart attack.

https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/muscle-bone-and-joints/conditions/costochondritis

[Dons_1988]

13 hours ago, buchan30 said:

I’ve had a plane one as well, i see it take off in the distance, bank and then fall from the sky into a fireball behind a hill and i am stood there helpless. Again that has been at times where i have been under a lot of stress. So you are maybe right, it is maybe a control thing. My gym instructor always says (usually when it comes to nutrition) “control the things you can” but right now, there maybe just doesn’t feel like i have much control of things. 

 

Totally anecdotal but a few years ago when i was severely depressed my dreams were much, much worse than they are now. 

I used to get really horrific dreams either about myself (eg ending up coughing up all my organs on the ground) or randoms (one that sticks out is a random baby in my arms being shot by some guy for no reason). 

That was fairly regular back around that time and nowadays I get nothing like that. 

That was a fairly long winded way of saying if you’re finding your dreams troubling it’s definitely worth at least assessing if that’s coming from your general stress levels and mental health. 

[thistledo]

On 23/07/2023 at 07:14, DA Baracus said:

[Started writing this at the end of a boozing session on Saturday night when I was rather pished. Fell asleep on the couch (thanks caffeine pills!) and only now got to bed. Silly stuff. I will massively regret this when I sober up I imagine, but for now it's time for some good sleep. At least I fixed (most of) the spelling and grammar errors.]

 

The folk who post on here are fucking tremendous. Your stories are really emotional and often deeply inspiring. I think it's brilliant that so many folk share their stuff here.

I've posted loads on here, all pretty tediously. I've ruined my life.

What follows below is mewling pish from a fucking idiot who was too weak to halt the waste of his best years.

I would love to have had a kid. Think I would have been a good dad. Yeah it's a societal and/or biological need. I know. I've had a long, long time to think about my failures.

I now know I'll never be a dad.

Sadly I've fucked it. I'll be 39 in December. I'm currently 22 and a half stone. I'm a hideous disgrace who has run out of time. I've wasted my 30s hiding away in shame dealing with my mental issues poorly. I wasted my 20s too but at least I did some things then. I often wonder how/why I'm alive. I don't deserve to be is usually my conclusion.

I got in to a routine years ago of eating badly throughout the week (by which I mean I eat the same stuff for lunch every single work day and have the same dinners on certain nights, as well as simiar snacks each night). I don't even remember when it started but if I don't stick by the routine I feel terrible, like there's a weight pushing down on the top of my head. It clouds my thoughts and smothers my common sense, suffocating positive arguments against the good and stopping them reaching my conscious mind, or if they do break through massively negging them and stripping them of their agency. I feel increasingly worse until I give in, which I always do.

I have got in to an addiction/routine of eating in the evenings that I struggle to break.

I struggle to eat better in general, even though I know how, as breaking my eating routines makes my head hurt and makes me feel terrible, but giving in feels terrible too. I have a healthy meal and I like it and it's tasty, but I always cannot defeat my bad routines and go back to shit so often. 

When I was younger I used to fantasise about commiting crimes so that I'd be put in jail and forced to eat only certain things, which would break my addictions. I actually considered doing this a few times.

I've been single since December 2010. There were a few things since that could have led to something but I fucked them. I've hidden myself away and isolated myself due to shame and massive self loathing. I lost loads of friends doing this before and lost more doing it now.

Here's the massive minter, and I fully deserve ridicule for this; I haven't had sex since 2011. I'm so massively embarrassed and ashamed by this. I've never admitted this until now. Bad mental health has ruined my life. I often dream and fantasise about going back over 20 years and starting over. I know that won't happen. I deserve to die.

Ach, I'm not actually suicidal just now.  Have been a lot of times before. 

Used to indulge in self harm too. Ruined my the top of my right arm. Worst was when I placed a knife on my flesh then hit said knife with a hammer/mallet (yes, this was easy to do; yes it hurt and yes it bled, especially the shower the next morning). When I didn't do that I'd press the knife in to my skin then cut away.

Did some bad shit to my left thigh. Cut a ring around my left ankle too. Have a scar on my stomach. Have a couple of (shitebag) ones on the inside of my left wrist. Thankfully been a while since I've self harmed (years since I last did it; I used to get unpleasant urges).

 

Been back on fluoxetine for few months now and it's helped loads (was on it a few years back but stupidly punted it, thinking I was fine, which for a short spell I might have been but should have been back on them years ago)

Been doing some online therapy which is helping too (I was cynical about it but it really has helped; shame I only have 2 more sessions left).

Actually think I may be OK once I shed the weight. I know my weight is holding me back so much. My issues are breaking addictions and routines. Has been for so long.

I've lost my chance at having a home and a kid.

I now just want to meet someone but it will be at least 9 months until I'm close to being in shape. But I've been trying to do that for so long and mental health and addiction* had fucked that.

 

Ah fucking hell. That's my nonsense. Yes, I'm drunk (I had/have a huge problem with booze; since Feb 2020 I have had multiple beers every Saturday since, with a few, but rare, exceptions).

 

*Food. Yes, I am that piece of shit.

 

Definitely not too old to be a dad and it's definitely not too late to change anything. As always, easier said than done, but use it as motivation to make changes. 

 

[remain anon]

I am having a bit of up and down at the moment, but the lows seem to be filled with rage. I could quite easily put some c**t through a wall right now, just waiting for the trigger. I have nothing to be angry about though, Im hoping that writing it down will help. I need to take a step back and look at myself. My teeth are so tense when Im like this and I feel it across my chest, just ready to burst. But I have a happy healthy family, so I need to just chill the f**k oot. 

Sorry rambling.

[Broken Algorithms]

On 24/07/2023 at 17:55, buchan30 said:

If you are addressing the nutritional side of things. Myfitnesspal is a good (free) way of keeping track of what goes in to your system. 
If you do try that, the first week have a normal one (not P&B style) but just a normal week eating the foods you usually would. Then see where you can cut back by 3-400 calories a day. Sounds a lot, but it’s only a couple of mars bars. Try and get as much protein on board as possible as well. I am at a minimum of 90g of protein, but sometimes manage more. Apparently your body uses more energy trying to break it down. Good luck. 

I've just stumbled into this thread now. 

I wouldn't ever say I've been depressed in the typical sense. I've definitely had mental health issues in the past, but I've found that in the most cliched way possible going to the gym has given me far more equilibrium in my head than anything  - it's a trite response but I've found it to be true nonetheless. Naturally with that I've become a lot more conscious of what foods are going into my body. In the past, I've had two spells where I've ballooned up in weight, and then proceeded to lose it all. With social media, it's really easy to get caught up by people who are just trying to peddle nonsense so I just wanted to add my experiences. 

To add to what you've said, Myfitnesspal is fantastic for getting a good understanding of how to count calories, what to keep an eye on, and how it can influence things in the longer term. People absolutely love to overcomplicate things when it comes to it - you'll see people talk about organic foods, what sweeteners are in foods. As you've mentioned, all you really need to do is track your intake and make sure you're lower than your BMR (basal metabolic rate) and you'll gradually lose weight. I've found that the Renaissance Periodization Youtube channel from Mike Isratel is really good at breaking these things down. 

Proteins tend to be less calorically dense but have a more filling effect. Fats used to get demonised quite a lot, but obviously nowadays there's a lot more information on their importance. Carbohydrates are very similar on that front too. All diets, whether it's keto, carnivore, atkins etc all adhere to the same basic principal if you're losing weight: if your caloric input is lower than how many calories you're using, then you'll lose weight. Your weight can fluctuate on a day to day basis by things like water and sodium levels, and weight loss isn't a linear process. It's a bit like chucking a ball down a flight of stairs. It'll bounce up and down, but it's still heading downwards over the long term. 

Doing strength work will help speed up the process by quite a bit. If you can get into a routine with it, then it gives you a good structure and gives you progressive goals which you can work towards. With youtube, there's a tonne of great content which can be used to help you on your way. For every gymshark influencer type, there's still plenty of channels which can be used to help you kick off. It's really important not to let anyone push you off balance - if you're overweight and going to a gym then there's often a fear that you'll get stigmatised by regulars but in most cases people will be friendly, especially if you're showing up every day (or few days) and sticking to things. 

Strength training can be a confusing place but two YouTube channels I found particularly informative are Jeff Nippard and John Meadows. It's quite easy to look at either of these and see two bodybuilder types and think 'f**k that' but the principals behind it are all the same. In terms of a programme, I'd suggest starting with a fundamentals programme to work on the basics first. I currently run a push, pull, legs split for the gym, but it's really down to what each individual enjoys. 

I've absolutely no idea if anyone will take this post and use the information from it, but I really hope that it can help people if they're feeling a bit lost on that front. It's very easy to feel like you're fated to be as you are. 

I'm not a PT and I'm not trying to sell anything. If you've got any questions about gym stuff, or weight loss stuff, then feel free to chuck me a DM and I'm more than happy to answer any questions. I should add, I don't think there's any definitive answer for mental health and depression. What's worked to give me a bit more balance certainly won't work for everyone.

Edited August 10, 2023 by Broken Algorithms

[TxRover]

5 hours ago, remain anon said:

I am having a bit of up and down at the moment, but the lows seem to be filled with rage. I could quite easily put some c**t through a wall right now, just waiting for the trigger. I have nothing to be angry about though, Im hoping that writing it down will help. I need to take a step back and look at myself. My teeth are so tense when Im like this and I feel it across my chest, just ready to burst. But I have a happy healthy family, so I need to just chill the f**k oot. 

Sorry rambling.

Never feel you need to apologize here, this place is where we all express concerns and things that are happening. The easy thing to say is find a physical outlet for the energy you are restraining here. It’s not always that simple, but even getting up and going for a quick walk might help trigger a reduction in the internalized stress you are banking internally right now. It’ll also mitigate the physical harms you can be doing with raised blood pressure and teeth grinding.

It’s not always as easy as chilling out, because we all have different triggers and stressors. The obvious question is are you feeling this way for some reason, such as a reduction in control of a situation or some other matter? If you can’t nail down the cause, it’s time to spend a little of the time walking to try and calm down a bit reflecting on what might be causing these feelings and concerns.

Never be afraid to come here and vent/ramble/blether…and, if possible, a counselor is always a good choice. I’ve recently started attending counseling again to deal with a divorce, and it has quickly made me realize just how messed up some of my perceptions had become after 20 years of insidious gaslighting.

[RH33]

Xagattin is an ADHD drug rather than one used for bipolar. I'd advise you speak to your psychiatrist about correct medication for bipolar.

[md08]

22 minutes ago, RH33 said:

Xagattin is an ADHD drug rather than one used for bipolar. I'd advise you speak to your psychiatrist about correct medication for bipolar.

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I was diagnosed bipolar 8 years ago and have been on the correct medication for it. Diagnosed ADHD 2 month ago and prescribed Xagittin.

[Molotov]

I would thoroughly recommend this book. 
 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Eat-Beat-Depression-Anxiety-Nourish/dp/006303171X

An invaluable resource written by a psychiatrist. 

I have personally found it very effective. 

https://drewramseymd.com/who-we-are/

[RH33]

30 minutes ago, md08 said:

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I was diagnosed bipolar 8 years ago and have been on the correct medication for it. Diagnosed ADHD 2 month ago and prescribed Xagittin.

I would still speak to your psychiatrist as it may be the drug interactions are knocking thing about. 

 

[pawpar]

I really can't do this anymore. My whole day is either working either in the office or at home 6 days out of 7 when I am caring for my mother. Last year 2022 was the worst year of my life. My mother was admitted to hospital in January of 2022 after suffering a stroke caused by my father. My father could not cope with not living with my mother and as a result tried to kill me on a number of occasions until he was sectioned in May 2022. My mother then came out of hospital in July 2022. She would have came out sooner if it wasn't for my abusive father. My father then died in stratheden in December 2022. It is a horrible thing to say but I was glad that he died. As well as me he was abusive to the doctors and nurses in the hospital treating my mother. I have managed up until yesterday until I saw that horrific photo of Donald Trump. it reminded me of that same scowl of my  father blaming everyone but himself. My mum and all my family think my father was great but I can't do this anymore. He was a horrible piece of work and that picture of Trump just brought it all back to the abuse that I received from my so called father on a regular basis. I am NOT going to commit suicide because I wouldn't give that b*****d of a so called father the satisfaction. But it is hard when everyone thinks the sun shone out out off his ass when I know the serial abuser he was.

[TxRover]

1 hour ago, pawpar said:

I really can't do this anymore. My whole day is either working either in the office or at home 6 days out of 7 when I am caring for my mother. Last year 2022 was the worst year of my life. My mother was admitted to hospital in January of 2022 after suffering a stroke caused by my father. My father could not cope with not living with my mother and as a result tried to kill me on a number of occasions until he was sectioned in May 2022. My mother then came out of hospital in July 2022. She would have came out sooner if it wasn't for my abusive father. My father then died in stratheden in December 2022. It is a horrible thing to say but I was glad that he died. As well as me he was abusive to the doctors and nurses in the hospital treating my mother. I have managed up until yesterday until I saw that horrific photo of Donald Trump. it reminded me of that same scowl of my  father blaming everyone but himself. My mum and all my family think my father was great but I can't do this anymore. He was a horrible piece of work and that picture of Trump just brought it all back to the abuse that I received from my so called father on a regular basis. I am NOT going to commit suicide because I wouldn't give that b*****d of a so called father the satisfaction. But it is hard when everyone thinks the sun shone out out off his ass when I know the serial abuser he was.

The problem with the other people is they saw the façade your dad erected, not the true actions. You should have no feelings of guilt about how you felt or feel about him. Your response is a valid reaction to horrific treatment, and nothing you say or do will unfortunately change the minds of those he successfully gaslighted for all those years.

First, do you have any assistance in caring for your mother? There are a number of possible places to contact, and several of the regular posters here can point you in the correct direction for either help or additional help. You need breaks!

Second, the picture of the evil git triggered your memories, but you don't have to let him do it again. The first thing to remember is the "scowling face" Trump put on for that mugshot is designed to elicit reaction, but it ISN"T and he ISN'T your father, so the reaction should be toward him, not a chill down your spine. Look at him in that picture, it was taken IN JAIL. He was released because he had money, that scowl is probably really about the millions he's having to spend on this stuff, so try imagining him with dollars flying out of his pocket as he scowls to try to suck more money from his adoring fans.

Third, you have to establish boundaries for those people. They can be told that you will not discuss your father around them, and if they elect to continue, you have every right to ease them out of your daily/weekly/monthly/yearly life as appropriate.

Fourth, it is entirely your right to stop calling him your father. Perhaps start referring to him by his given name, it's a subtle change that shows you have changed his relationship to you. It would likely prove empowering to you, when some says "Well your dad...", you can say "No, (given name) wasn't..." in response.

 

Stay strong and work on YOUR mental and physical health, it's your primary duty. Those who think (given name) was so great should be helping care for your mum too.