Depression

[oneteaminglasgow]

On 01/07/2024 at 11:50, oneteaminglasgow said:

I’m having a really difficult time with health anxiety just now.

I was in Germany for the Switzerland game and overdid it on the drink one night (I don’t drink particularly often anymore) so felt horrendous the next day - the shits and throwing up. The problem is that the shits haven’t gone away since, and it’s really worrying me. I’m totally aware of every sensation in my body, and my mind obsesses over what it could mean. I have struggled with this before, and it was worse last time but I’m still have a crap time of it. I try to challenge the thoughts, but it’s not easy.  I’ve been to my GP, who thinks the likelihood is that I have had a mild stomach bug but that health anxiety is prolonging things. But my mind just goes “what if you’ve got stomach cancer” and I panic. It’s fucking exhausting having the adrenaline pounding through me all day as well, and I’m being sick a bit so struggling to eat too much. 

Im going through therapy for it just now and I’m on paroxetine, and I know that I will get better sooner or later, but I’m just struggling just now. I know my partner is having a tough time too, not just with me, so I can’t put her through this again.

i don’t really know what I want to get out of this post, but I thought writing it down might help. 

I feel so guilty all the time. My partner and I are staying with my parents to try to help me and I feel so bad for putting her through all this. Same with my mum and dad. They don’t deserve it.

I keep getting intrusive thoughts which are just images of myself having killed myself. I don’t want to do that, but I really don’t know what it means. I’m just so scared of my brain at the minute and not being able to trust my own thoughts.

Yesterday was the worst morning of my life. I was ok enough by the afternoon and evening, but the morning was horrible. I threw up twice, and the guilt and everything just got too much and I was overwhelmed. There were a couple of moments when I just didn’t want to be here anymore, and I was pretty convinced that everyone would be better off without me. I’ve been assured that isn’t true but the truth is I just don’t feel good enough for anyone.

My insides feel like they’re trembling constantly as well, which I’m finding really difficult to deal with. 

Edited July 8 by oneteaminglasgow

[The Moonster]

15 hours ago, oneteaminglasgow said:

I feel so guilty all the time. My partner and I are staying with my parents to try to help me and I feel so bad for putting her through all this. Same with my mum and dad. They don’t deserve it.

I keep getting intrusive thoughts which are just images of myself having killed myself. I don’t want to do that, but I really don’t know what it means. I’m just so scared of my brain at the minute and not being able to trust my own thoughts.

Yesterday was the worst morning of my life. I was ok enough by the afternoon and evening, but the morning was horrible. I threw up twice, and the guilt and everything just got too much and I was overwhelmed. There were a couple of moments when I just didn’t want to be here anymore, and I was pretty convinced that everyone would be better off without me. I’ve been assured that isn’t true but the truth is I just don’t feel good enough for anyone.

My insides feel like they’re trembling constantly as well, which I’m finding really difficult to deal with. 

Having intrusive thoughts doesn't mean that you have some underlying desire to carry that thing out. It's brought on by your stress/anxiety and nothing else. Do you feel your meds are working? The trembling insides thing I can relate to but once I changed the meds I was on that went away. Not sure how long you've been taking them, might be they are still to properly kick in or that they need changed/dosage changed.

I felt the same way as you one morning and broke down in tears in front of my boss. I felt incredible shame over it for weeks/months and never wanted to return to my workplace but over time I came to accept there's no shame in feeling how you do. I also find that people who feel they are burdens on others or not good enough for others are generally the complete opposite in real life, they are loved by good people but won't believe it. If you can't trust your thoughts try and trust the voices who love you, they're telling you the truth. 

[TxRover]

23 hours ago, oneteaminglasgow said:

I feel so guilty all the time. My partner and I are staying with my parents to try to help me and I feel so bad for putting her through all this. Same with my mum and dad. They don’t deserve it.

I keep getting intrusive thoughts which are just images of myself having killed myself. I don’t want to do that, but I really don’t know what it means. I’m just so scared of my brain at the minute and not being able to trust my own thoughts.

Yesterday was the worst morning of my life. I was ok enough by the afternoon and evening, but the morning was horrible. I threw up twice, and the guilt and everything just got too much and I was overwhelmed. There were a couple of moments when I just didn’t want to be here anymore, and I was pretty convinced that everyone would be better off without me. I’ve been assured that isn’t true but the truth is I just don’t feel good enough for anyone.

My insides feel like they’re trembling constantly as well, which I’m finding really difficult to deal with. 

They are helping you because they want to, not are compelled to. They care and worry, that should address the better off without me thoughts…but, because of how the mind works, it won’t banish them. Professional help to deal with the feelings/thoughts/images, and a game plan to derail those when they occur is the need.

Sometimes we all need a reset, to start at the base of things and evaluate stuff. Perhaps a little thinking in that vein might turn up some clues about what in your background is driving this mental state. Getting clues is the key to following the breadcrumbs and finding why things happen…I know I somewhat understand what happened to me over the past 25 years, but I still don’t understand how I managed to back myself into such an untenable and horrid circumstance. I’m clear of that, but it will take years (if ever) to truly understand it. Until that point, I deal with the insights and revelations as they occur and simply try to enjoy that I came out of the valley…even if it came at significant personal cost.

There are folks here who listen without judging, and can over insight and good advice. Post away, we’ll be here…and I, for one, am looking forward to the next FM update on One Team’s adventures.

[RH33]

I had one of the hardest therapy sessions in a long time. Back in a fortnight. 

In other news my emergency referral to psychiatry which was meant to be done after a call with GP wasn't. After chasing it landed with the psychiatry team on the 27th June. And I'm not in a battle with secetaries over postcode. Despite it being same one I lived in in 2019, 2020 and 2021.

No one else can review my meds which is all that's now needed as the emergency part long since over.

[scottsdad]

On 02/06/2024 at 21:55, scottsdad said:

A good friend of mine is in his early 80s. We met through work but just hit it off. For the last 12-13 years we have been pals. The work we do is more a hobby for us both, and gave us great days away here and there. He is nearly 40 years older than me but when we talk it is like we are the same age. He has a wicked, and smutty, sense of humour.

His health has gone downhill for the last couple of years. He told me on Thursday he has a terminal diagnosis. 

My instant reaction was (no clue why) to wash my cars. Inside and out, showroom clean. I cannot say how gutted I am. I will be visiting him regularly. I remember lots of my dad's so-called friends vanishing when he was ill and how much it hurt him.

But I am really gutted right now.

I visited my pal at his home a couple of times, including just last week. His family said that it helped him and gave him something to look forward to.

He died at the weekend. Not at all unexpected. When I saw him last, I really didn't think I would see him again. 

[Hoose Rice]

Hi guys, not falling off a cliff again as such but a bit of advice please.

I'm obviously still depressed, it kind of never goes away but I've learned to try deal with, not think of stuff that makes me go down a rabbit hole of past life ending events.  So everything now I basically shut off everything cope that way. 

We have just found out my Mum has lung cancer, dunno how severe yet.   It's not hit me as an emotional shock yet because I'm used to blanking stuff out.   I'm scared as f**k, shes scared as f**k dads scared brothers etc it seems like im coping but I'm not im just burying it.   It's weird as anything, I know it's going to effect me mentally long term bottling this is but has coping mechanism went too far?   I'm worried I could snap and become a mess at some point.  I just wish I could let being upset about it out my system but theres something stopping me. 

Sorry guys and just posting this makes me feel better. 

[welshbairn]

18 minutes ago, Hoose Rice said:

Hi guys, not falling off a cliff again as such but a bit of advice please.

I'm obviously still depressed, it kind of never goes away but I've learned to try deal with, not think of stuff that makes me go down a rabbit hole of past life ending events.  So everything now I basically shut off everything cope that way. 

We have just found out my Mum has lung cancer, dunno how severe yet.   It's not hit me as an emotional shock yet because I'm used to blanking stuff out.   I'm scared as f**k, shes scared as f**k dads scared brothers etc it seems like im coping but I'm not im just burying it.   It's weird as anything, I know it's going to effect me mentally long term bottling this is but has coping mechanism went too far?   I'm worried I could snap and become a mess at some point.  I just wish I could let being upset about it out my system but theres something stopping me. 

Sorry guys and just posting this makes me feel better. 

There's nothing wrong with blanking stuff until you're ready to cope with it emotionally, maybe gradually and over a long period of time. Most people have to do this just to function in the middle of bad things happening, and not making it even worse for everyone by falling apart, including your Mum. Stay strong while you can, it's a good thing, letting go is good too, but there's a time for that, it's not now.

[TxRover]

5 hours ago, Hoose Rice said:

Hi guys, not falling off a cliff again as such but a bit of advice please.

I'm obviously still depressed, it kind of never goes away but I've learned to try deal with, not think of stuff that makes me go down a rabbit hole of past life ending events.  So everything now I basically shut off everything cope that way. 

We have just found out my Mum has lung cancer, dunno how severe yet.   It's not hit me as an emotional shock yet because I'm used to blanking stuff out.   I'm scared as f**k, shes scared as f**k dads scared brothers etc it seems like im coping but I'm not im just burying it.   It's weird as anything, I know it's going to effect me mentally long term bottling this is but has coping mechanism went too far?   I'm worried I could snap and become a mess at some point.  I just wish I could let being upset about it out my system but theres something stopping me. 

Sorry guys and just posting this makes me feel better. 

Good job venting it to help calm it down a bit. There are a huge number of variables in dealing with lung cancer, and your mom can certainly use you helping her sort through all the information she’ll be getting. Your key role is making sure she gets correct info, and not some “my mates mother”s sister’s boyfriend beat this by eating Jaffa cakes” crap. You have that good head on your shoulders, we’ve all seen that because you’ve successfully wrestled your troubles to a standstill. Now that experience will keep you in good stead helping out someone else in your life.

It will hit, but you’ll be ready for it, and we’ll all be here too, ready to stand next to you. Stay strong, m8.

[Jacksgranda]

10 hours ago, Hoose Rice said:

Hi guys, not falling off a cliff again as such but a bit of advice please.

I'm obviously still depressed, it kind of never goes away but I've learned to try deal with, not think of stuff that makes me go down a rabbit hole of past life ending events.  So everything now I basically shut off everything cope that way. 

We have just found out my Mum has lung cancer, dunno how severe yet.   It's not hit me as an emotional shock yet because I'm used to blanking stuff out.   I'm scared as f**k, shes scared as f**k dads scared brothers etc it seems like im coping but I'm not im just burying it.   It's weird as anything, I know it's going to effect me mentally long term bottling this is but has coping mechanism went too far?   I'm worried I could snap and become a mess at some point.  I just wish I could let being upset about it out my system but theres something stopping me. 

Sorry guys and just posting this makes me feel better. 

That's good.

Whenever my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, I just pretended it wasn't happening. Not great advice I suppose but t worked for me, even when she was in hospital and then getting radiotherapy.

[buchan30]

10 hours ago, Hoose Rice said:

Hi guys, not falling off a cliff again as such but a bit of advice please.

I'm obviously still depressed, it kind of never goes away but I've learned to try deal with, not think of stuff that makes me go down a rabbit hole of past life ending events.  So everything now I basically shut off everything cope that way. 

We have just found out my Mum has lung cancer, dunno how severe yet.   It's not hit me as an emotional shock yet because I'm used to blanking stuff out.   I'm scared as f**k, shes scared as f**k dads scared brothers etc it seems like im coping but I'm not im just burying it.   It's weird as anything, I know it's going to effect me mentally long term bottling this is but has coping mechanism went too far?   I'm worried I could snap and become a mess at some point.  I just wish I could let being upset about it out my system but theres something stopping me. 

Sorry guys and just posting this makes me feel better. 

Remember their should be Macmillian and maggies centres in your area if you need to discuss things with someone with knowledge on it all. Have a wee google and see if there is. 

[Venti]

11 hours ago, Hoose Rice said:

Hi guys, not falling off a cliff again as such but a bit of advice please.

I'm obviously still depressed, it kind of never goes away but I've learned to try deal with, not think of stuff that makes me go down a rabbit hole of past life ending events.  So everything now I basically shut off everything cope that way. 

We have just found out my Mum has lung cancer, dunno how severe yet.   It's not hit me as an emotional shock yet because I'm used to blanking stuff out.   I'm scared as f**k, shes scared as f**k dads scared brothers etc it seems like im coping but I'm not im just burying it.   It's weird as anything, I know it's going to effect me mentally long term bottling this is but has coping mechanism went too far?   I'm worried I could snap and become a mess at some point.  I just wish I could let being upset about it out my system but theres something stopping me. 

Sorry guys and just posting this makes me feel better. 

When my mother got cancer I think I was too young to fully process it. Was a teenager.

It was like I was more worried about how my Dad, Sis & Bro were.

Seems like due to your own stuff you've learned to block out things.

Be supportive for those around you & it might actually help yourself out.

Every situation's different, but I wish you & your family get through this.

[Richey Edwards]

 

[DA Baracus]

 

 

 

Yeah, sorry, it's me again. You're all probably as bored of my shite as i am. At some point I'll have a final rant on here and you'll not have my pish clog up this thread.

Not particularly horrible this time in terms of the mental side, more a sort of general horror, anxiety, ennui and panic.

I'm really trying to stay positive.

 

 

But with my 40th quickly approaching (3 a bit months away) I'm gasping for breath in a mental sense and trying to hide it, in the same way I try to hide it when I walk up stairs (because I'm disgustingly fat).

I feel so stuck at the moment. Have noted my shameful situation before but I'm really embarrassed at how badly I've done in life. I've really badly f**ked it. Past failures weigh so heavily on me, especially failing at university, which I regularly have bad dreams about.

I've fought, and lost, an eating illness for years, and it has cost me almost everything. I struggle so bad with it. I hope to shake it off next week, but have said this for at least a decade. I know how to cook and eat well, but when I try to ditch my current eating routines my brain badly rebels, to the extent that it feels like a physical pressure pushing down on the top of my head, as well as a significant mental fog and panic. 

This has made me massively anxious. I'm so badly ashamed of myself that I have often made excuses to not go out, and it's cost me loads of friends. It's impacted loads of times I have seen friends too; I've been so utterly anxious before that I've not been able to enjoy myself fully. Have even been physically ill on a few occasions. 

I dont feel like a person. I feel like I'm not real and my life isnt real, like I'm a background character in the world.

 

I know it's cliche, but I did want to have at least one kid. Will never happen now.

I've spent so much cash feeding this garbage way of eating. I had 100 pay day loans (thankfully out of that cycle for a few years now but it's permanently f**ked my credit file) and a credit card (paid off), but I now have another credit card and have stupidly racked up circa £2k on it. Paying it down.

Between paying for my hideous way of eating (it's expensive to eat so badly) and drinking, I have zero savings. I don't contribute to a pension. My current 'retirement' plan is genuinely to kill myself, should I reach that age. I'll have no cash and will be homeless, so will do myself in. This is not a joke.

 

Oh yeah, drinking. Since February 2020 I've gotten pished almost every single Saturday. I buy and order loads of beers and eat shite and get f**ked up, alone, watching films, MOTD and listening to music. Only exceptions are when I go to the football, but I still get pished and almost always go home by myself to drink more. I only do this on Saturdays thankfully, but it's still problematic.

I rent my flat just now and will never be able to get a mortgage, due to my credit rating and lack of savings.

 

I'm terminally single and alone. My 'stats' are shockingly embarrassing in that regard. Please note, I blame no one but myself for this. No one owes me anything. No one ever asks me about this and I don't have anyone to speak to about this. Loneliness hurts so bad. I don't mind being alone often but loneliness is different to that and I don't enjoy it when it hits. I have no pals in Dundee so can't go out for a pint or some food or to hang out and play some video games or whatever.

 

I'm not in immediate danger. I'm not a risk to myself (I haven't self harmed in ages and I'm not currently suicidal).

 

Ironically, my job involves helping folk and over the past few years, since COVID, has evolved a lot, meaning I help more folk more often. I like helping folk but wish I could do more and curse my utter lack of qualifications.

 

I've been drowning so long to believe that the tides' going to turn.

 

Anyway, rant over.

 

Edited September 15 by DA Baracus

[TxRover]

1 hour ago, DA Baracus said:

 

 

 

Yeah, sorry, it's me again. You're all probably as bored of my shite as i am. At some point I'll have a final rant on here and you'll not have my pish clog up this thread.

Not particularly horrible this time in terms of the mental side, more a sort of general horror, anxiety, ennui and panic.

I'm really trying to stay positive.

 

 

But with my 40th quickly approaching (3 a bit months away) I'm gasping for breath in a mental sense and trying to hide it, in the same way I try to hide it when I walk up stairs (because I'm disgustingly fat).

I feel so stuck at the moment. Have noted my shameful situation before but I'm really embarrassed at how badly I've done in life. I've really badly f**ked it. Past failures weigh so heavily on me, especially failing at university, which I regularly have bad dreams about.

I've fought, and lost, an eating illness for years, and it has cost me almost everything. I struggle so bad with it. I hope to shake it off next week, but have said this for at least a decade. I know how to cook and eat well, but when I try to ditch my current eating routines my brain badly rebels, to the extent that it feels like a physical pressure pushing down on the top of my head, as well as a significant mental fog and panic. 

This has made me massively anxious. I'm so badly ashamed of myself that I have often made excuses to not go out, and it's cost me loads of friends. It's impacted loads of times I have seen friends too; I've been so utterly anxious before that I've not been able to enjoy myself fully. Have even been physically ill on a few occasions. 

I dont feel like a person. I feel like I'm not real and my life isnt real, like I'm a background character in the world.

 

I know it's cliche, but I did want to have at least one kid. Will never happen now.

I've spent so much cash feeding this garbage way of eating. I had 100 pay day loans (thankfully out of that cycle for a few years now but it's permanently f**ked my credit file) and a credit card (paid off), but I now have another credit card and have stupidly racked up circa £2k on it. Paying it down.

Between paying for my hideous way of eating (it's expensive to eat so badly) and drinking, I have zero savings. I don't contribute to a pension. My current 'retirement' plan is genuinely to kill myself, should I reach that age. I'll have no cash and will be homeless, so will do myself in. This is not a joke.

 

Oh yeah, drinking. Since February 2020 I've gotten pished almost every single Saturday. I buy and order loads of beers and eat shite and get f**ked up, alone, watching films, MOTD and listening to music. Only exceptions are when I go to the football, but I still get pished and almost always go home by myself to drink more. I only do this on Saturdays thankfully, but it's still problematic.

I rent my flat just now and will never be able to get a mortgage, due to my credit rating and lack of savings.

 

I'm terminally single and alone. My 'stats' are shockingly embarrassing in that regard. Please note, I blame no one but myself for this. No one owes me anything. No one ever asks me about this and I don't have anyone to speak to about this. Loneliness hurts so bad. I don't mind being alone often but loneliness is different to that and I don't enjoy it when it hits. I have no pals in Dundee so can't go out for a pint or some food or to hang out and play some video games or whatever.

 

I'm not in immediate danger. I'm not a risk to myself (I haven't self harmed in ages and I'm not currently suicidal).

 

Ironically, my job involves helping folk and over the past few years, since COVID, has evolved a lot, meaning I help more folk more often. I like helping folk but wish I could do more and curse my utter lack of qualifications.

 

I've been drowning so long to believe that the tides' going to turn.

 

Anyway, rant over.

 

Rant away, DA...but you're far from alone. I just hit 59, so looking at 60 is a bit intimidating, especially with a dad that popped his clogs at 42. I have a small amount of resources after a divorce, and will get by, but I'm in apartments for the rest of my life, as a purchase is out of the question.

Here's one for you, have you attended any cooking classes? It sounds weird, but it might give you a wider variety of things you might prepare...and then commit to cooking once of twice a week, at least to begin with. It's also a fine way to widen a circle of people you know in a low pressure manner.

As this is posted early on a Sunday morning, one can assume you didn't do as badly as you describe, as this message is pretty well composed (and when I used to do serious benders, at 5AM the most I could do the next morning was crawl to the toilet to drive the porcelain bus). 

As for your retirement plan, don't undersell yourself, as it is always possible to start a climb, it just takes a foot on to the lowest rung.

Any job helping people is too often dismissed, thank you for being there to help people, and just keep making yourself better at that job! Is it possible to gain more qualifications in your current role?

Stay positive is such a trope, and it's not easy...but there is sun out there for you, you'll grow into it.

[Davy the Dug]

Sorry to read that DA, have you tried that Andy’s Man Club?  You should see if any of those are in Dundee, might help you speaking out loud about your thoughts.

You’ll get a state pension, not the worst but you’ll have something to live on, whilst the country is on its f**king knees just now they will still take care of you so don’t think about killing yourself cos you’re worried what old life will be like.

I’m sort of in a similar position just now, my son is f**king mental, getting suspended every other day, I’ve had to move out of my house as my partner (or is it ex partner now, who knows?) won’t let him cross the door of the house we both own, I’ve had to rent an utter shitehole of a flat, because it’s all I can afford with half a mortgage still to pay as well as rent on this dump.  I’m hoping we can work things out but it’s been a wild couple of months, I was meant to be getting married next year.

Just need to get the money together to buy a place of my own but looks like I’m stuck in this dump for 12 months.

You just need to take joy out of the little things, like even though Clyde were utterly shite yesterday and the club is on its knees it was good for me to go and just escape everything for a few hours, and see friends.

I truly hope you are OK and you can get better DA, I’ve posted on here a long time (different username) and you seem like a genuinely good guy, I would be more than happy to be pals with you.

Edited September 15 by Davy the Dug

[Bert Raccoon]

5 hours ago, DA Baracus said:

 

 

 

Yeah, sorry, it's me again. You're all probably as bored of my shite as i am. At some point I'll have a final rant on here and you'll not have my pish clog up this thread.

Not particularly horrible this time in terms of the mental side, more a sort of general horror, anxiety, ennui and panic.

I'm really trying to stay positive.

 

 

But with my 40th quickly approaching (3 a bit months away) I'm gasping for breath in a mental sense and trying to hide it, in the same way I try to hide it when I walk up stairs (because I'm disgustingly fat).

I feel so stuck at the moment. Have noted my shameful situation before but I'm really embarrassed at how badly I've done in life. I've really badly f**ked it. Past failures weigh so heavily on me, especially failing at university, which I regularly have bad dreams about.

I've fought, and lost, an eating illness for years, and it has cost me almost everything. I struggle so bad with it. I hope to shake it off next week, but have said this for at least a decade. I know how to cook and eat well, but when I try to ditch my current eating routines my brain badly rebels, to the extent that it feels like a physical pressure pushing down on the top of my head, as well as a significant mental fog and panic. 

This has made me massively anxious. I'm so badly ashamed of myself that I have often made excuses to not go out, and it's cost me loads of friends. It's impacted loads of times I have seen friends too; I've been so utterly anxious before that I've not been able to enjoy myself fully. Have even been physically ill on a few occasions. 

I dont feel like a person. I feel like I'm not real and my life isnt real, like I'm a background character in the world.

 

I know it's cliche, but I did want to have at least one kid. Will never happen now.

I've spent so much cash feeding this garbage way of eating. I had 100 pay day loans (thankfully out of that cycle for a few years now but it's permanently f**ked my credit file) and a credit card (paid off), but I now have another credit card and have stupidly racked up circa £2k on it. Paying it down.

Between paying for my hideous way of eating (it's expensive to eat so badly) and drinking, I have zero savings. I don't contribute to a pension. My current 'retirement' plan is genuinely to kill myself, should I reach that age. I'll have no cash and will be homeless, so will do myself in. This is not a joke.

 

Oh yeah, drinking. Since February 2020 I've gotten pished almost every single Saturday. I buy and order loads of beers and eat shite and get f**ked up, alone, watching films, MOTD and listening to music. Only exceptions are when I go to the football, but I still get pished and almost always go home by myself to drink more. I only do this on Saturdays thankfully, but it's still problematic.

I rent my flat just now and will never be able to get a mortgage, due to my credit rating and lack of savings.

 

I'm terminally single and alone. My 'stats' are shockingly embarrassing in that regard. Please note, I blame no one but myself for this. No one owes me anything. No one ever asks me about this and I don't have anyone to speak to about this. Loneliness hurts so bad. I don't mind being alone often but loneliness is different to that and I don't enjoy it when it hits. I have no pals in Dundee so can't go out for a pint or some food or to hang out and play some video games or whatever.

 

I'm not in immediate danger. I'm not a risk to myself (I haven't self harmed in ages and I'm not currently suicidal).

 

Ironically, my job involves helping folk and over the past few years, since COVID, has evolved a lot, meaning I help more folk more often. I like helping folk but wish I could do more and curse my utter lack of qualifications.

 

I've been drowning so long to believe that the tides' going to turn.

 

Anyway, rant over.

 

All I would say is it's never too late. I thought I'd threw my life away, I was 40, single and depressed that life had passed me by while my mates were getting married and having kids. I was an alcoholic mess. 

Then I met someone who means the absolute world to me. All I can say is it's never too late. Believe in yourself and get out there if you do want to. You're a decent c**t and I'm sure you could meet someone and make them happy. Just never give up 

[buchan30]

5 hours ago, DA Baracus said:

I dont feel like a person. I feel like I'm not real and my life isnt real, like I'm a background character in the world.

Ironically, my job involves helping folk and over the past few years, since COVID, has evolved a lot, meaning I help more folk more often. 

Can i just say, as someone who kind of feels the same about being a background character. Absolutely f**k all wrong with it. As someone who is a few years older than you, i have come to just accept it. Being the lead role in life can be demanding and even more stressful. At home, obviously play a bigger role, but at work and in the outside world in general, i feel that i just plod away in the background, not really drawing attention to myself and i am content with that. When i was younger, i probably did want to the centre of attention, especially in nightclubs and out with pals. But the downside to that was, i become more and anxious and was started worrying that folk were watching me, thinking “look at this tit” eventually i stopped it and maybe it’s a middle age thing as well, but now when i go out, i am just happy to have a laugh and bump into folk i know. 
 

As for the caring for others part (which is an admirable job) you could do with applying that simple cliche of “you have to look after yourself, so you look after others”

[Moomintroll]

DA, KTF Mate. Life is shit & it won't get any better, you are one of the good guys though please don't give up, it could always be worse, you might be an A*r Fan. Please PM me anytime you are struggling.

[Raith2711]

On 15/09/2024 at 04:56, DA Baracus said:

 

 

 

Yeah, sorry, it's me again. You're all probably as bored of my shite as i am. At some point I'll have a final rant on here and you'll not have my pish clog up this thread.

Not particularly horrible this time in terms of the mental side, more a sort of general horror, anxiety, ennui and panic.

I'm really trying to stay positive.

 

 

But with my 40th quickly approaching (3 a bit months away) I'm gasping for breath in a mental sense and trying to hide it, in the same way I try to hide it when I walk up stairs (because I'm disgustingly fat).

I feel so stuck at the moment. Have noted my shameful situation before but I'm really embarrassed at how badly I've done in life. I've really badly f**ked it. Past failures weigh so heavily on me, especially failing at university, which I regularly have bad dreams about.

I've fought, and lost, an eating illness for years, and it has cost me almost everything. I struggle so bad with it. I hope to shake it off next week, but have said this for at least a decade. I know how to cook and eat well, but when I try to ditch my current eating routines my brain badly rebels, to the extent that it feels like a physical pressure pushing down on the top of my head, as well as a significant mental fog and panic. 

This has made me massively anxious. I'm so badly ashamed of myself that I have often made excuses to not go out, and it's cost me loads of friends. It's impacted loads of times I have seen friends too; I've been so utterly anxious before that I've not been able to enjoy myself fully. Have even been physically ill on a few occasions. 

I dont feel like a person. I feel like I'm not real and my life isnt real, like I'm a background character in the world.

 

I know it's cliche, but I did want to have at least one kid. Will never happen now.

I've spent so much cash feeding this garbage way of eating. I had 100 pay day loans (thankfully out of that cycle for a few years now but it's permanently f**ked my credit file) and a credit card (paid off), but I now have another credit card and have stupidly racked up circa £2k on it. Paying it down.

Between paying for my hideous way of eating (it's expensive to eat so badly) and drinking, I have zero savings. I don't contribute to a pension. My current 'retirement' plan is genuinely to kill myself, should I reach that age. I'll have no cash and will be homeless, so will do myself in. This is not a joke.

 

Oh yeah, drinking. Since February 2020 I've gotten pished almost every single Saturday. I buy and order loads of beers and eat shite and get f**ked up, alone, watching films, MOTD and listening to music. Only exceptions are when I go to the football, but I still get pished and almost always go home by myself to drink more. I only do this on Saturdays thankfully, but it's still problematic.

I rent my flat just now and will never be able to get a mortgage, due to my credit rating and lack of savings.

 

I'm terminally single and alone. My 'stats' are shockingly embarrassing in that regard. Please note, I blame no one but myself for this. No one owes me anything. No one ever asks me about this and I don't have anyone to speak to about this. Loneliness hurts so bad. I don't mind being alone often but loneliness is different to that and I don't enjoy it when it hits. I have no pals in Dundee so can't go out for a pint or some food or to hang out and play some video games or whatever.

 

I'm not in immediate danger. I'm not a risk to myself (I haven't self harmed in ages and I'm not currently suicidal).

 

Ironically, my job involves helping folk and over the past few years, since COVID, has evolved a lot, meaning I help more folk more often. I like helping folk but wish I could do more and curse my utter lack of qualifications.

 

I've been drowning so long to believe that the tides' going to turn.

 

Anyway, rant over.

 

Don't over catastrophise your living situation. Owning a house isn't the be all and end all, but  it is something you will be able to do if you want, in thr future. Your credit score only takes in to account the last 6 years so bad stuff will start to drop off, just try to keep up to date with the payments now.

 

In terms of food/drink, alcohol is a major depressant. I'm not saying stop but it's worth maybe trying to have a couple of Saturdays off it just for the feeling of achivement and control. 

I used to get pissed 3 or 4 nights a week and it really f**ked my moods and also my eating. Would have a Greggs sausage roll then drink for two days. Then be ill, then hit the midweek takeaways when the drink wore off. I knocked the bevy on the head and it fixed the eating for the most part, and also made me feel much better mentally. My weight has also come down a fair bit too.

I get that if it's a thought to get out and meet mates for a beer its 10x worse thinking about going out sober to socialise but once you've done it a couple of times it gets easier.

 

[Venti]

5 hours ago, Raith2711 said:

Don't over catastrophise your living situation. Owning a house isn't the be all and end all, but  it is something you will be able to do if you want, in thr future. Your credit score only takes in to account the last 6 years so bad stuff will start to drop off, just try to keep up to date with the payments now.

 

In terms of food/drink, alcohol is a major depressant. I'm not saying stop but it's worth maybe trying to have a couple of Saturdays off it just for the feeling of achivement and control. 

I used to get pissed 3 or 4 nights a week and it really f**ked my moods and also my eating. Would have a Greggs sausage roll then drink for two days. Then be ill, then hit the midweek takeaways when the drink wore off. I knocked the bevy on the head and it fixed the eating for the most part, and also made me feel much better mentally. My weight has also come down a fair bit too.

I get that if it's a thought to get out and meet mates for a beer its 10x worse thinking about going out sober to socialise but once you've done it a couple of times it gets easier.

 

Sure it wasn't the Greggs that made you ill? (j/k)

Seriously though, you are right about the drink. Might mask the pain for a while, but its only temporary.