Jan Vojáček Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 We've all been there at some point in our lives, minding our own business in a public area when a football drops at our feet from somewhere in the surrounding area. You look up, assess the options and realise (God forbid) you're going to have to kick it back. In the pressure cooker environment of having a group of expectant footballers watching you, you panic and end up disgracing yourself in front of people you don't know. Well at least, I think we've all been there. For me the event happened on holiday in Spain two years ago. A group of Spanish kids were knocking a ball about on the beach, all these flicks and trick, impressive stuff that Scottish cloggers like myself wouldn't know where to begin with. I was minding my own business, walking along the beachfront path with my family when the ball landed at my feet. I spent my entire playing career (if you can call boys club and school football a career) as a goalkeeper. Naturally therefore there was only one option. I took a touch out to my right and launched it a la the traditional Scottish goalkeeping hoof. The power was good, the height respectable, the accuracy...not. It flew straight down the beachfront path and smacked a local square on the puss. The kids on the beach looked horrified, I had a small wee, my brother offered moral support in the form of hysterical laughter. Obviously being Scottish I tried to laugh the situation off; "Sorry mate, wish I could aim that well, eh?!" Classic yer da' style patter. The local shook his head, calmly chipped the ball back to weans and walked off, clearly a little perturbed by the whole event. I didn't want to leave the hotel for the rest of the week in case I saw him again. Please people of P&B, tell me you've disgraced yourself in a similar incident as a small crumb of comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Kincardine Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 If you're looking for solace and comfort after making a c**t of yourself this is just the right forum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmothecat Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Some school kids in Edinburgh were playing football on one of those AstroTurf pitches with high fences around the pitch. I was walking past when one of them skied it and it fell onto the path I was walking along. I ran towards the ball and attempted to kick it above the fence. It hit it about half way up and bounced a bit further down the path. Instead of leaving it I ran towards it, picked it up and tried it again goalie style. Surely, I thought, kicking it from my hands I couldn't fail again. I did, it fell about two feet short. Once again I made to try again, before one of the kids just goes 'nah, it's alright mate' and walked towards the gate at the other end of the pitch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan Vojáček Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 Lies ^^^ ^^^Jealous he couldn't accurately but accidently hit a random Spanish guy with a football from 20+ yards. If you're looking for solace and comfort after making a c**t of yourself this is just the right forum It's why I feel so at home here, sound in the knowledge that there's always someone who's done something more embarrassing or worse than me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamdunk Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Not quite in the same vein, but I went to a rugby playing school, so when we finally got to play football, we had to use a fucking basketball. Anyway, I'm in goals and someone hoofs the ball towards me and I come out to collect it, completely misjudge the bounce and it goes over my head and in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Years ago strolling past some guys having a kick about. Cool as f**k, hands in biker jacket pockets. The ball comes towards me, tried to heel it back rather than stopping it and playing the simple pass. Tripped my self up and went nose first to the concrete, without getting my hands out my pockets. I still hear the laughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Pete Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Was in Fife a few months ago playing football with my four year old cousin and he kicked the ball over the crossbar to me with instructions that I should kick it back over to him. I took a touch, then chased it ten yards to recover it from said touch then kicked it past the goals for him to chase. He promptly dribbled it back to me at high speed and I told him it was time to go home for lunch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 More recently, the ball goes out. I go to collect it, rather than put my foot on it or pick it up, I tried to hit it of the boundary fence to rebound back to me. It hit an edge and shot over a 15 foot fence and down a banking, finishing up about half a mile away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deeboy Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Years ago strolling past some guys having a kick about. Cool as f**k, hands in biker jacket pockets. The ball comes towards me, tried to heel it back rather than stopping it and playing the simple pass. Tripped my self up and went nose first to the concrete, without getting my hands out my pockets. I still hear the laughter. Your bodyguard would never let this happen, Sgt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WILLIEA Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 First year at secondary school was walking past the playing fields where some girls were playing hockey. The ball came flying towards us and I very deftly volleyed it back towards the pitch. That was the first inking I had that a hockey ball was as hard as concrete like a cricket ball. Much embarrassment and lesson learned!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Your bodyguard would never let this happen, Sgt.It's stumbling from one disaster to the next that has taught me to expect the worst. Your bravery and optimism will be the death of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 At an Ayr game a few years ago, walking back from the van with a pie and Bovril whilst the team are warming up with shots at goal when a Higgy shot flies past the top corner and straight for me. With consummate skill I swivelled and volleyed, connecting perfectly and sending the ball back in the relatively narrow gap between the roofstruts at the front of the stand. Awesome. Before I could bask in the appreciative applause of my fellow fans, the pain from the molten hot Bovril that had spilt over my hand and down my legs started to softly course through my body like 240V. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 First year at secondary school was walking past the playing fields where some girls were playing hockey. The ball came flying towards us and I very deftly volleyed it back towards the pitch. That was the first inking I had that a hockey ball was as hard as concrete like a cricket ball. Much embarrassment and lesson learned!! At school in Methil, we rarely had an actual ball to play football with at lunchtime so we used coke cans, tennis balls, anything really. How vividly I remember the time we used an ice hockey puck cos I was the daftie that headered it in for an amazingly blood spattered goal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bernardblack Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Similar story, but concluded with me trying to nonchalantly hit a Scholesy pass to a bunch of lads having a kick about, smacking a lamp post then embarrassingly chasing their ball down a path. Scenes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmothecat Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 At school in Methil, we rarely had an actual ball to play football with at lunchtime so we used coke cans, tennis balls, anything really. How vividly I remember the time we used an ice hockey puck cos I was the daftie that headered it in for an amazingly blood spattered goal. For some reason at our school we weren't allowed to use actual footballs at lunchtime. Tennis balls, drinks cans etc were fine, but footballs were banned. Didn't think much about it at the time, that was just the rule, looking back on it now though it seems like a really odd rule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 I almost took a lassie's heid aff when returning the ball during one of our games earlier this season (Falkirk, I think). Naebdy believed that I'd fully intended for the slipstream to give her a parting on the way over. b*****ds to a man, our support Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YassinMoutaouakil Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 I've done the opposite before actually. Some c**t accidentally hit me with a ball so I punted it into a car park and pretended it was a misplaced pass to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 For some reason at our school we weren't allowed to use actual footballs at lunchtime. Tennis balls, drinks cans etc were fine, but footballs were banned. Didn't think much about it at the time, that was just the rule, looking back on it now though it seems like a really odd rule. Same when I was at school too. Did wonders for your co-ordination. I was never Pele or anything close, but a couple of years volleying smaller balls about certainly helped. Bit shite in the winter, as I'm sure you'll remember, as they explode with dirty water like sponges Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGreenElves Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 I was at a Hurlford Stirling away once. Having just left the supporters bar, a Hurlford player warming up hit a shot that was heading straight for me. I casually caught it, then punted it back. Unfortunately in my drunken state I hadn't realised there was a net behind the goals, so the ball ended up flying off in the opposite direction and out the stadium. I was given looks of bemusement and "wtf?" from all around me. I went back to the bar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LongTimeLurker Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Managed to drop kick a ball about 50 yards up in the air only to have it bounce off the top of a disabled guy in a wheelchair's head on its way back onto the field of play at an amateur cup final in Canada. The guy was OK and was laughing about it after it happened but some of the 100 or so spectators at the game were still making jokes about my contributions to the welfare of disabled people weeks later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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