Embarrassing Yourself With a Football

[D.A.F.C]

When we were in the SPL, I think, some shot went miles over the bar and some guy coolly stood up and headed it back perfectly towards Paul Gallagher then sat down as if nothing had happened. Barlow just looked at him to say wtf, who is this guy?

Genuinely amazingly placed header, 20 rows back. Bit surreal.

[Dee Man]

I was doing the half-time cross bar challenge at Dens a few seasons back and my mate nearly hit the corner flag

I'm buckled just thinking about it. He occasionally reads this: if you're reading this - YOU'RE SHITE

[Todd_is_God]

Not a football related story, but I once almost killed a family of French muslims on a Le Harve beach with a boomerang whilst on a school trip.

"Heids" appears to not be a warning French muslims understand.

[Dee Man]

Not a football related story, but I once almost killed a family of French muslims on a Le Harve beach with a boomerang whilst on a school trip.

"Heids" appears to not be a warning French muslims understand.

^^^ Nick Griffin

[deadasdillinger]

Stood at a Kilbirnie Ladeside match last season with my best mate in tow. (Why oh why did he have to be there?!)

Half time, holding a couple of cups of tea in my hands and blethering away to him. Before I knew it, a ball (which the local kids had been knocking around on the pitch during the half time break) came flying towards me at light speed and cracked me right in the bollocks.

I dropped said cups of tea all over myself, burning my bare shins as I had cut off shorts on, and doubled over in pain from the shot to the hawmaws.

My mate still talks about it as one of the highlights of his life. He had tears in his eyes he was laughing so hard. c**t.

[Dee Man]

Stood at a Kilbirnie Ladeside match last season with my best mate in tow. (Why oh why did he have to be there?!)

Half time, holding a couple of cups of tea in my hands and blethering away to him. Before I knew it, a ball (which the local kids had been knocking around on the pitch during the half time break) came flying towards me at light speed and cracked me right in the bollocks.

I dropped said cups of tea all over myself, burning my bare shins as I had cut off shorts on, and doubled over in pain from the shot to the hawmaws.

My mate still talks about it as one of the highlights of his life. He had tears in his eyes he was laughing so hard. c**t.

This post immediately reminded me of this:

[Thistle_do_nicely]

I remember a few years back when I was around 13/14 years old my wee cousin and one of his pals were having a little kickabout in the back garden, with the rest of the family outside enjoying the sunshine and having a few drinks. I went over to join in and I'd barely played a couple of passes around to them when their collie cross who constantly followed me around, obviously very excited by my joining in with said cousins little game, started furiously pumping my leg, much to the amusement of my little cousin and his pal.

My dad looking on was very sympathetic, giving me advice to stop the dog raping my leg along the lines of "Quick! Fake an orgasm, light up a cigarette..."

[CM.]

We were playing East Stirling at Ochilview a few years ago and for charity you could pay £2 to take a penalty into a Shire youth keeper at half time. After bragging to my mates about how good I was at penalties I ended up ballooning this one about 10 yards over the bar. Got a lot of stick for that one!

[BFTD]

Sort of on topic - I went to a week-long summer football training camp when I was 11, for kids between 10-16. On the last day, an English top division keeper came to give us some "training" - i.e. pose for pictures and take part in a penalty shoot-out. The idea was that everyone (and there were more than a hundred kids who attended) would take a penalty each, with the scorers proceeding to the next round and going again, until one kid was left as the winner (can't remember what the prize was).

I can't even remember who the keeper was, but it was someone from the late Eighties who was notoriously shite, like Bobby Mimms, only I know it wasn't him. Everyone had a good laugh beforehand about how many kicks he'd manage to keep out, if any, with the older laddies making sure he knew exactly how shit they thought he was. He didn't seem to take that too well and, naturally, made sure he saved every single penalty with an air of grim determination. Even worse, the organisers made us all go again, and he pulled off the same feat, even turning his back when the most vocal japesters were having their run up, before turning and making the save without breaking a sweat. Thank Christ, they called it quits at that stage.

The 'telt' was tangible that day, my friends.

[deadasdillinger]

Sort of on topic - I went to a week-long summer football training camp when I was 11, for kids between 10-16. On the last day, an English top division keeper came to give us some "training" - i.e. pose for pictures and take part in a penalty shoot-out. The idea was that everyone (and there were more than a hundred kids who attended) would take a penalty each, with the scorers proceeding to the next round and going again, until one kid was left as the winner (can't remember what the prize was).

I can't even remember who the keeper was, but it was someone from the late Eighties who was notoriously shite, like Bobby Mimms, only I know it wasn't him. Everyone had a good laugh beforehand about how many kicks he'd manage to keep out, if any, with the older laddies making sure he knew exactly how shit they thought he was. He didn't seem to take that too well and, naturally, made sure he saved every single penalty with an air of grim determination. Even worse, the organisers made us all go again, and he pulled off the same feat, even turning his back when the most vocal japesters were having their run up, before turning and making the save without breaking a sweat. Thank Christ, they called it quits at that stage.

The 'telt' was tangible that day, my friends.

I love the idea of this sad c**t, who was probably used to going home broken hearted on a Saturday after another afternoon of horrendous abuse from the stands, going home to his one bedroom flat that night and feeling like the top fucking boy because he managed to keep out a bunch of eleven year olds' penalties!

[BFTD]

I love the idea of this sad c**t, who was probably used to going home broken hearted on a Saturday after another afternoon of horrendous abuse from the stands, going home to his one bedroom flat that night and feeling like the top fucking boy because he managed to keep out a bunch of eleven year olds' penalties!

I think it was the sixteen-year-olds, some of whom thought they were going to play professionally, who really cheesed him off. It was quite amusing to see them realising that their best efforts weren't even good enough to get past a guy they couldn't have looked down upon more. But aye, it probably was a highlight for him at the time

This is going to bug me now - need to try and remember who it was. I'm wondering if it might not have been Dave Beasant, and that I might have been 12, not 11 - I have a vague memory of floppy curly hair, and he'd have started his ill-fated Chelsea spell if it'd been the summer of 1990. I know the guy played for one of the clubs in the London area.

I see, as of this year, Dave Beasant is officially the oldest player to take part in an English Football League match at the age of 56 - I wonder how that tallies up next to keeping a blank sheet against an army of mouthy schoolkids?

[itzdrk]

We were playing East Stirling at Ochilview a few years ago and for charity you could pay £2 to take a penalty into a Shire youth keeper at half time. After bragging to my mates about how good I was at penalties I ended up ballooning this one about 10 yards over the bar. Got a lot of stick for that one!

[Bonksy+HisChristianParade]

Can't relate, sorry.

[Sweet Pete]

In summer this year I was visiting my sister and her family. Having a kickabout with my nephew in the garden I booted the ball off his face and he started wailing, cue much apologising and shame on my part. The wee wimp really stuck me in it.

[Hedgecutter]

Missed a pram by about 0.5m not too long ago. Always the goalie me (due to being useless outfield, although a far better than average keeper imo) and when I sliced the ball from a kick everybody could see what was happening in slow motion as the ball flew in the direction of the nearby path. Oh so close to that scene in the Inbetweeners where he smack the disabled girl in the puss.

A previous goal kick effort at school left me with severely bruised toes for weeks, having to hop everywhere. This was because after a drought, I tried to kick the ball as hard as possible, only to miss it and smash my foot off of the rock solid ground. Obviously my good friends found this absolutely hilarious, and with with good right on their side. Looking back on the sorry episode, it wouldn't surprise me if I'd genuine broken something desipite my mum saying "ach, it'll be fine in a few days".

Also, as a Scout leader (cue beast jokes), I recently & stupidly decided to play a game to give the teams equal numbers. Absolutely hung out to dry, constantly outlassed and consistently nutmegged by a bunch of average 12 year olds.

[Waspy]

BigFatTabbyDave played a blinder at the recs a few months back.

[Sergeant Wilson]

Missed a pram by about 0.5m not too long ago. Always the goalie me (due to being useless outfield, although a far better than average keeper imo) and when I sliced the ball from a kick everybody could see what was happening in slow motion as the ball flew in the direction of the nearby path. Oh so close to that scene in the Inbetweeners where he smack the disabled girl in the puss.

A previous goal kick effort at school left me with severely bruised toes for weeks, having to hop everywhere. This was because after a drought, I tried to kick the ball as hard as possible, only to miss it and smash my foot off of the rock solid ground. Obviously my good friends found this absolutely hilarious, and with with good right on their side. Looking back on the sorry episode, it wouldn't surprise me if I'd genuine broken something desipite my mum saying "ach, it'll be fine in a few days".

Also, as a Scout leader (cue beast jokes), I recently & stupidly decided to play a game to give the teams equal numbers. Absolutely hung out to dry, constantly outlassed and consistently nutmegged by a bunch of average 12 year olds.

Never work with children or animals. Although it did rather limit my film career.

[mathematics]

Slightly on topic, and I'm sure we have all seen similar.

At Ibrox, during the years that Killie fans would turn up, the team were warming up before the game. Tam Black was taking his usual shots from just outside the box. If you remember, Tam hit bloody powerful shots, and mostly very accurate. However, one of the tae-blasts went just wide of the post and was heading straight for my mate's dad. He has enough sense to duck, meaning that the speccy c**t behind him got the full force of a Tam Black tae-bash to the face. Specs went flying, nose got burst, stomachs got crippled with laughter.

Similarly, Wullie Gibson hit a wee boy square on the face (with the ball) during a warm-up at Rugby Park. He ran over to the kid, apologised to him and then ran down the dugout. A few minutes later he appeared with a pair of boots (clearly luminous yellow efforts as it was Wullie Gibson) for the kid. Posed for a couple of photos too, which must have been terrible as the wee guy's face was red raw.

[Sweet Pete]

Slightly on topic, and I'm sure we have all seen similar.

At Ibrox, during the years that Killie fans would turn up, the team were warming up before the game. Tam Black was taking his usual shots from just outside the box. If you remember, Tam hit bloody powerful shots, and mostly very accurate. However, one of the tae-blasts went just wide of the post and was heading straight for my mate's dad. He has enough sense to duck, meaning that the speccy c**t behind him got the full force of a Tam Black tae-bash to the face. Specs went flying, nose got burst, stomachs got crippled with laughter.

Similarly, Wullie Gibson hit a wee boy square on the face (with the ball) during a warm-up at Rugby Park. He ran over to the kid, apologised to him and then ran down the dugout. A few minutes later he appeared with a pair of boots (clearly luminous yellow efforts as it was Wullie Gibson) for the kid. Posed for a couple of photos too, which must have been terrible as the wee guy's face was red raw.

A stray Danny Invincible shot broke my watch when I put my hand up to stop it skelping my face at Fir Park for the 3-0 pumping of Falkirk in the league cup semi in 07. This was a proper watch too, not like your Mickey Mouse one.

[Deeboy]

That's a lovely tattoo, mathematics.