The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

[19QOS19]

Hate to spoil a joke but wouldn't they just swap?

I doubt anyone would top themselves over a sandwich. If we started dissecting jokes it would be the beginning of the downward spiral.

[tamthebam]

5 minutes ago, 19QOS19 said:

 

I doubt anyone would top themselves over a sandwich. If we started dissecting jokes it would be the beginning of the downward spiral.

 

what I'd like to know is if Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's sandwich would they both still be alive? 

[The Mantis]

An old one but I can't think of any modern names that would fit.

Beckham, Scholes, Giggs and Butt are at training when Butt notices that Fergie always casts a quick eye over the lads training then sneaks away and goes golfing or whatever.

Butt suggests next time they wait till he's gone then just piss off home early. Sure enough, next day they see Fergie's Jag leaving the ground, so they wait 10 minutes then all go home. Becks comes upstairs and hears funny noises in the bedroom, so he sneaks up and peeks in, and there's Fergie shagging Victoria. He sneaks back out.

Next day, Butt says 'hey, how about doing that again? Once the boss is away, we go home, get dressed, and go out and have a few frames of snooker and get pissed?'

'f**k that' says Becks. 'I nearly got caught yesterday'.

[The DA]

11 hours ago, kennysmassiveego said:

Define property 

Property is theft. Hence tea-leaf.

[Sergeant Wilson]

20 hours ago, John Lambies Doos said:

Paddy has secured a job as a labourer on a Glasgow building site. On his first day he receives the mandatory Health and Safety induction and is dispatched to the goods area to pick up his safety equipment. First up is the steel toe capped boots. The problem is he can't get them on as he's unaware which foot is for which shoe. He decides to ask the supervisor who shows him the L on one boot and the R on the other; ah thanks says Paddy. He is then given his hard hat but again having trouble he seeks the supervisors advice. The super shows him the F and B and explains that they stand for front and back, thats easy says Paddy, cheers.

On his way out the storeroom his face suddenly lights up as he turns to the supervisor and says. ' Thanks mate, all these years and now I finally know why my wife's knickers say C&A on them..

 

 

 

 

He is the taken to a hole about 40 feet deep, told get in and keep digging. The foreman returns an hour later to find Paddy at the bottom of the hole horribly injured. He asks what happened. Paddy explained that he jumped in the hole, breaking every bone in his body. "Why didn't you use the ladder? "

"I thought that was for getting out,"

[GordonD]

Paddy goes into business as a window cleaner. He puts a notice in the window of the Post Office: WINDOWS CLEANED - FIRST FLOOR AND ABOVE £2 PER WINDOW; GROUND FLOOR £5 PER WINDOW. Somebody asks him why ground floor windows are so much more expensive. He explains, "Well, that's because I have to dig a hole first to put the ladder in!"

[deej]

This Paddy bloke must have some length of cv

[Silvio Tattiescone]

Paddy calls Ryanair to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your fecking plane!"

[Silvio Tattiescone]

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"
"I do," says Paddy. "The whole fecking bed by the looks of it!"

Edited September 12, 2017 by NewBornBairn

[Mark Connolly]

7 hours ago, Melanius Mullarkey said:

"B'jeesus," said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy." replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus. 

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.  Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is"

This works in a Jamaican accent as well as an Irish one.

[Unleash The Nade]

What's the difference between jam and marmalade ?

You can't marmalade your cock up a girls arse

[Granny Danger]

2 hours ago, Mark Connolly said:

This works in a Jamaican accent as well as an Irish one.

Then it would be racist.

[Fide]

Paddy and Shamus again - sumboiz.

Paddy and Shamus are walking along the riverbank one day when they come to a bridge.  In the middle of the bridge they see a man holding another man's ankles over the edge. "What's happening here?" asks Paddy. "Well" the guy says "It's a new way of catching fish.  I hold my mate's ankles here.  He dangles just above the river.  When he sees a fish, he gently lowers his fingers into the water and softly tickles the underside of the fish.  They stop moving because they're so relaxed, my mate then flips them up here and that's it!" 

And true enough, there's a big pile of fish next to them. "That's fucking amazing Shamus" says Paddy "Let's have a go ourselves!"

So the next day they go to the bridge.  Shamus says "Right Paddy, you grab my ankles and lower me in, when I've got a fish, I'll let you know!"

"No bother Shamus!" Says Paddy.

So Paddy slowly lowers Shamus over the side of the bridge.

Ten minutes passes. Nothing.  Half an hour.  Nowt.  2 hours go by.  f**k all.

All of a sudden Shamus shouts "Paddy, pull me up!!"  "Aaah, have you got a fish?" says Paddy,

"No" says Shamus "There's a train coming!"

[Mark Connolly]

8 hours ago, Granny Danger said:

Then it would be racist.

Is it not racist if it's Irish?

And what if it's a Jamaican telling it?

[Granny Danger]

7 hours ago, Mark Connolly said:

Is it not racist if it's Irish?

And what if it's a Jamaican telling it?

Duh.

[D.A.F.C]

Bought a dog from a blacksmith.

He made a bolt for the door.

 

[ICTJohnboy]

Paddy and Murphy are on a building site. A slate falls from a roof and slices Paddy's ear off.  Murphy finds it and says : " Paddy, is this yours?"

"No", says Paddy. "Mine had a pencil behind it"

 

 

Edited September 17, 2017 by ICTJohnboy

[GordonD]

How do you milk sheep?

 

 

 

 

 

Release a new iPhone.

[The Mantis]

Ryanair founder Tony Ryan is on a short stopover at Dublin airport so decides to have a pint. He orders a Guinness and Richard the barman recognises him and starts telling him how much he enjoys the business strategy etc of Ryanair. Mr Ryan is chuffed to bits and asks how much the pint is. "One Euro" says Richard. Tony is even more chuffed and says it's great that the bar is following the business strategy that has made his company such a winner. "Thanks a lot" says Richard. "Now, will you be wanting a glass with your pint?"

[kennysmassiveego]

Teacher asks the class to produce a sentence with the word contagious in it 

Wee Mary says "  my wee sister had the chicken pox last week and mum wouldn't let me play with her because she said she was contagious "

Well done Mary said the teacher , anyone else ?

Wee johnny says " my mum won't let my dad cut the grass because she says it takes the contagious "