Depression

[Jacksgranda]

9 hours ago, Raidernation said:

ShitFuckBallsDamn!!!

I fuckingg HATE this country's medical system/insurance maze.

Having told this care facility I was covered when they checked my insurance on the 10th of this month, having also been told by one of the 3rd party companies dealing with me that I'm covered until the 30th and after that if I'm on Short Term Disability then I'm covered by that, AND....another of the 3rd party companies (there's 4 in total) required weekly updates and each time said my coverage would continue, today I found out, at 2:45pm that my coverage DID (supposedly) terminate on the 1st.

What does this mean? It means I get discharged on Friday (at least the care facility is trying to accommodate me) with NO walker/rollator/wheelchair or anything else, no home PT, no home health, no home help. Basically I'm screwed and, until I get better physically (can't walk unaided or climb stairs, stand for more than about 30 seconds) I'm likely to be, in effect, a prisoner in my own home (15 stairs up to my front door!)

I'm so angry, frustrated, depressed, annoyed, anxious, worried and scared. I don't know how to deal with this at all. I know there's delivery services can bring food and groceries, but how the hell am I supposed to cook them (or even put them away)? Also I'm likely going to lose my STD payments so I'll be penniless.

I don't want to speak to anyone, sat outside this afternoon stewing in my own little hell, did not go for dinner as I have no appetite, I just want to go to bed and sleep my life away.

 

 

 

tl:dr I'm very upset.

That's awful, I don't know what to say.

[TxRover]

14 hours ago, Raidernation said:

Thanks.

I'll see if I can find the health plan info, I believe I can access it online. I have to deal with Illinois laws don't know what difference that makes.

Ditto, but the state (and somtimes county) do often make it vary a bit too, especiall coverage criteria rules

Check all the applicable plans, and it’s worth yet another call (since, let’s face reality, you have some time available to sit on hold) to each entity that misrepresented their coverage. Document exactly what it said and verify the appeal process. It’s gonna be time to file an appeal, and in some cases they may extend some form of coverage during appeal process.

https://www.healthcare.gov/appeal-insurance-company-decision/ (Some links)

6 hours ago, Jacksgranda said:

That's awful, I don't know what to say.

The NHS gets some righteous pelters here, but the U.S. healthcare system is evil, and makes the NHS (and UK pols) look like angels.

[RH33]

I'm still off. My sick line.is up on the 15th and I've no idea what I'm going to do. I'm on a six month contract but the agency will pay 6 months sick pay but I'd obviously lose the assignment.

The jobs fine and my team lead is great with me but I can't string good days together. 

[RH33]

Sick notes now are issued by telling reception you need another x weeks.

 

[TxRover]

17 hours ago, PogoStick said:

Hope you don’t mind me jumping in as a newbie. Saw your post on activity thread and it sounds familiar…

For right now focus on it’s only the 3rd. You don’t have to make a decision right this minute. Try give yourself at least the week-end off that focus.

Maybe try to get an appointment in with your GP for the following week, just in case you are still feeling the same way and need another note, then again park your decision.

Deal with it the week you have to. You’re not putting it off, you’ve got a plan for now, which is getting a GP appointment booked in (I know easier said than done) and dealing with it the week after next.

Sounds glib and I know it’s not easy but rumination is a b*****d, remind yourself you’ll not know how you will be feeling on the 15th anyway so no point focusing on it now.  Give yourself a break.

Touch wood things might look different and sounds like you are fortunate in having a good boss

 

(Brilliant thread BTW P&B )

6 hours ago, RH33 said:

Sick notes now are issued by telling reception you need another x weeks.

 

The sick note issuance policy here is counterproductive, and while you have to deal with it, perhaps that good boss can help get it addressed after seeing how it’s hurting people that need the note.

Pogostick’s advice is solid…as always, it’s a day-by-day thing. From seeing your posts here you have a pretty good list of strengths that your depressions is blocking you from seeing and believing in. There are lots of people her who believe in your empathy and ability, and if that’s true, it’s also true of the world at large, even though it doesn’t feel that way. Deep breath right now, it won’t make the darkness go away, but it will make you few a wee bit better…and then reflect on the number of people YOU have helped and the value YOU bring.

Sometimes it’s not stringing several “good” days together as much as keeping the “bad” ones at bay between the good ones. You have allies, you WILL be OK. It can be terribly difficult to believe that some days, but it IS true! Belief in yourself is one of the earliest and cruelest casualties of depression, but it can also often be regained with reflection on your own worth and abilities. This forum is better for your presence, let that knowledge and the people here help strengthen you.

[Boo Khaki]

Black Dog is back with a vengeance. Worst I've felt in over 10 years. Suffered a significant injury recently that limited what I can do, and it's led to me really feeling my own mortality. I've always been self-sufficient, a bit introverted, and never really craved company, but right now I feel like I've let life pass me by, and I'm just sitting here waiting until the day something more sinister decides my number is up. Drink takes the edge off it, but that's not something I've ever been able to be responsible with, so I'm planning on riding this out until the end of the week and if it hasn't shifted I'll speak to the Dr. SSRI's and stuff never made the blindest bit of difference for me in the past, but because this has snuck up on me a wee bit and hit me really hard, I feel like I should be doing something.

[Moomintroll]

14 minutes ago, Boo Khaki said:

Black Dog is back with a vengeance. Worst I've felt in over 10 years. Suffered a significant injury recently that limited what I can do, and it's led to me really feeling my own mortality. I've always been self-sufficient, a bit introverted, and never really craved company, but right now I feel like I've let life pass me by, and I'm just sitting here waiting until the day something more sinister decides my number is up. Drink takes the edge off it, but that's not something I've ever been able to be responsible with, so I'm planning on riding this out until the end of the week and if it hasn't shifted I'll speak to the Dr. SSRI's and stuff never made the blindest bit of difference for me in the past, but because this has snuck up on me a wee bit and hit me really hard, I feel like I should be doing something.

Sounds like a mirror image of me although SSRI's have kept me here on the planet. You are recognising the signs though, so act on it & look for some help. Its the times it sneaks up that are the worst because you think everything is fine.

[Shadow Play]

2 hours ago, Boo Khaki said:

Black Dog is back with a vengeance. Worst I've felt in over 10 years. Suffered a significant injury recently that limited what I can do, and it's led to me really feeling my own mortality. I've always been self-sufficient, a bit introverted, and never really craved company, but right now I feel like I've let life pass me by, and I'm just sitting here waiting until the day something more sinister decides my number is up. Drink takes the edge off it, but that's not something I've ever been able to be responsible with, so I'm planning on riding this out until the end of the week and if it hasn't shifted I'll speak to the Dr. SSRI's and stuff never made the blindest bit of difference for me in the past, but because this has snuck up on me a wee bit and hit me really hard, I feel like I should be doing something.

Tell me to mind my own business but did you take SSRI long enough the last time?  I apologise if you already know this but SSRI’s can take up to 6 weeks to work.  They can can also make you feel worse in the first 1-2 weeks of taking them.  Also, if one brand / type doesn’t work there are others you can try.

Alternatively, as you mention a significant injury has your doctor ever prescribed you Amitriptyline?  The reason I ask is I was previously prescribed a small daily dose of it to relieve pain while I was waiting for a hip replacement operation.  I have to say I felt pretty relaxed about life when I took it (I stopped taking it after my my operation as the pain was gone).  On closer research I discovered it can also be used to treat anxiety and depression.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[Boo Khaki]

1 hour ago, Shadow Play said:

Tell me to mind my own business but did you take SSRI long enough the last time?  I apologise if you already know this but SSRI’s can take up to 6 weeks to work.  They can can also make you feel worse in the first 1-2 weeks of taking them.  Also, if one brand / type doesn’t work there are others you can try.

Alternatively, as you mention a significant injury has your doctor ever prescribed you Amitriptyline?  The reason I ask is I was previously prescribed a small daily dose of it to relieve pain while I was waiting for a hip replacement operation.  I have to say I felt pretty relaxed about life when I took it (I stopped taking it after my my operation as the pain was gone).  On closer research I discovered it can also be used to treat anxiety and depression.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

18 Months on Fluoxetine, continually upping the dose until I was on the maximum. Didn't do anything beyond giving me fairly common side-effects, and a couple of more obscure ones. Citalopram for around 4 months, which might as well have been a sugar pill because it had no noticeable effect at all. Only thing they ever gave me that had any sort of beneficial effect was Lamotrigine, but that just made me feel slightly sedated and dissociated, so it's not something I'd consider again because that caused more problems than it solved. Problem is, I've not been seen by CMHT in over 10 years. They were hopeless last time, I've been misdiagnosed repeatedly, and sent down treatment blind-alleys that were either a total waste of time, or counter-productive, so the GP is only going to be able to go on the basis of my most recent history with them, and I am abso-fucking-lutely not willing to go back into the whole CMHT run-around.

I'm not in any pain any more from the injury, just a bit mobility-limited, and I can tell that because of my age it's the sort of thing that isn't going to ever be back to 100% again, which is what I meant by it making me feel very mortal. 

[Shadow Play]

9 hours ago, Boo Khaki said:

18 Months on Fluoxetine, continually upping the dose until I was on the maximum. Didn't do anything beyond giving me fairly common side-effects, and a couple of more obscure ones. Citalopram for around 4 months, which might as well have been a sugar pill because it had no noticeable effect at all. Only thing they ever gave me that had any sort of beneficial effect was Lamotrigine, but that just made me feel slightly sedated and dissociated, so it's not something I'd consider again because that caused more problems than it solved. Problem is, I've not been seen by CMHT in over 10 years. They were hopeless last time, I've been misdiagnosed repeatedly, and sent down treatment blind-alleys that were either a total waste of time, or counter-productive, so the GP is only going to be able to go on the basis of my most recent history with them, and I am abso-fucking-lutely not willing to go back into the whole CMHT run-around.

I'm not in any pain any more from the injury, just a bit mobility-limited, and I can tell that because of my age it's the sort of thing that isn't going to ever be back to 100% again, which is what I meant by it making me feel very mortal. 

Easy to say but I would definitely get back to your GP as soon as possible and politely suggest they try a different line of treatment / medication.  I really hope everything gets sorted out.  

[Sonam]

On 18/03/2024 at 19:10, Dons_1988 said:

Thanks everyone for the responses. I reflected on my post and felt it was a bit rambly and incoherent so glad people actually engaged with it 

I like the idea of finding a new hobby of sorts that is just for me. Golf is probably out, my running plus watching the dons when able takes up a lot of time as it is with a 2 year old. Plus I played golf as a younger man and my temperament for it wasn’t great…suspect I’d be too competitive and wouldn’t be all that relaxing. 

Meditation/mindfulness is one of those things that sounds great but I have no idea how it happens in reality. I have tried apps but they don’t do it for me. I just can’t settle the way I’m looking for. Like I say that few minutes I had last year I just stumbled across it, it came and went but it felt a bit like what I imagine actual meditation does? That may sound silly.

One thing I am trying to do is put my fucking phone away much more. I don’t think it helps. And I don’t even really enjoy any of it other than browsing P&B. 

I don’t want to give up ‘keeping busy’ as it’s done me so much good. Just finding that balance and not having to fear what the quiet moments bring. 

Meditation I find when I am really depressed is to be totally stayed away from. Personally I find it makes me a lot worse. It just becomes a thought silencing battle. I have seen people on long meditation retreats in India lose the plot and to actually need psychiatric care after.

However focusing on an activity or hobby is much more helpful. It could be cycling which I find helps lot. Walking can be good too, especially if you go somewhere particularly scenic that does not trigger bad past memories. For example if you have had a recent breakup, probably best not to return to walks that remind you of better times with your partner if you know what I mean...

I even knew someone my age who although male got really into knitting when he quit the booze. Was very therapeutic and just the focus on that helped him so much. I think it saved his life, that important! He is still off the booze to this day and that was a decade ago.

Even games such as chess can really help. Nice distraction basically whatever hobbies or activity you do. It may take a few trials of hobbies, some you will quickly quit. The point is to at least try something.

Badminton is a fairly easy sport to take up, a lot less complex and nowhere near as difficult as tennis or squash. You quickly can get good and it can be superb exercise too

Edited May 30 by Sonam

[velo army]

Meditation shouldn't be a thought silencing exercise. The Buddhist ones teach you to be aware of your thoughts, but not to be taken by them. Your mind will wander but the idea is to treat that with acceptance and come back to a focus point (usually the breath).

I'm listening to an audiobook by Tara Brach called Radical Acceptance. Her meditation teachings are superb.

Also, men tend not to get enough touch. That can be an absolute killer, so recognise that this could be a factor as we need it almost as much as we need food.

I'm going through some shit right now with my lady. She's exploring sex with other men as we live in separate countries and won't see each other for months. There's more to it, but I'm not dealing with it that well I think. It's bringing up a lot of anger and grief and a fuckton of anxiety. I may need to tap out but I really don't want to lose her. It doesn't feel particularly safe right now. 

I also hate my job and would like to have some hope and optimism that I can get one that would satisfy me and give me more money. 

Ach I need to move this morning. I have a big knot in my lower abdomen so I'll dance a bit and see if it can shift a bit.

I also haven't had any touch in a month. 

[Sonam]

I think what I was trying to say, not very well, is that for myself I know there are times when meditation is just not possible. If someone is going through extreme stress it can be dangerous. I'm very wary of all official meditation courses. Different if its online and you can dip in and out.

Sometimes people just need to talk with a good, sane friend or a really good counsellor (sadly there are few good ones in the Highlands). There are definitely times to do it, try meditating, but knowing when is difficult. 

For me though, I know he wasn't a perfect person, but I'm with Jiddu Krishnamurti when he stated if you are following a 'system' you are not mediating. Whether following the breath or whatever. I think it's possible for the mind to be quiet of its own accord. Basically there are times when it's a good idea to meditate and there are times it maybe better talking, or punching a punch bag or doing some sport or something, hehe

Even good quality TV or video games can be really helpful in times of high stress as I found out during cancer.

[2426255]

3 hours ago, velo army said:

Also, men tend not to get enough touch. That can be an absolute killer, so recognise that this could be a factor as we need it almost as much as we need food.

I hadn't really considered that. It's something my girlfriend is big on, she's all about touch and feel - hugs all of that it's an important part of her life. I consider myself the opposite, but perhaps I need it more than I think. I'll have to mention it to her as she's been a bit down lately with feeling isolated at work and she's been away from home taking care of her sister the last couple of weeks so that might all factor in to her feeling a bit blue.

Best of luck with your own troubles. It's never as bad as you think it is.

Edited May 30 by 2426255

[velo army]

2 hours ago, Sonam said:

I think what I was trying to say, not very well, is that for myself I know there are times when meditation is just not possible. If someone is going through extreme stress it can be dangerous. I'm very wary of all official meditation courses. Different if its online and you can dip in and out.

Sometimes people just need to talk with a good, sane friend or a really good counsellor (sadly there are few good ones in the Highlands). There are definitely times to do it, try meditating, but knowing when is difficult. 

For me though, I know he wasn't a perfect person, but I'm with Jiddu Krishnamurti when he stated if you are following a 'system' you are not mediating. Whether following the breath or whatever. I think it's possible for the mind to be quiet of its own accord. Basically there are times when it's a good idea to meditate and there are times it maybe better talking, or punching a punch bag or doing some sport or something, hehe

Even good quality TV or video games can be really helpful in times of high stress as I found out during cancer.

I agree entirely with you in that meditation isn't always the answer. Movement and sound can be huge too. If you're feeling a lot of anger and anxiety a punching bag is good. 

Folk need to really watch what they're taking in too. Not just food (although eating nutritious food is massive) but media as well. Watching the news, adverts and listening to music that promotes a mistrust of the world will contribute to a depressive mindset. I make sure I listen to stuff like Jason Mraz and George Ezra because it's just relentless positivity. A lot of the threads on here are to be avoided too (anything with a negative emphasis). 

And finally. Connection with others in a wholesome way. Not just getting pished together. 

[Sonam]

Yes, media plays a huge part!!! At the moment with the Israel v Palestine war, often news for me is just totally unwatchable. Even newspapers go into horrific detail. It really annoys me when signing into yahoo or outlook you get immediately bombarded by negative news stories before signing into the email. Or negative jealousy celebrity crap that makes people feel bad about the way they look.

The content on streaming platforms like Netflix is often shocking too. Series after series of gang warfare, people being utterly horrid to each other.

Different if it's quality stuff like 'The thick of it' series was, real to life yet proper comedy stuff. On netflix I'm shocked at several episodes of detail documentaries on serial killers and the like. Some of these platforms are deliberately trying to make people feel scared, distrustful of the human race and very down.

Back when there was only 3 channels on the box, no Internet it was much happier (expect the news really). No wonder so many people suffer from depression. For those who don't get depressed I often wonder why. Cost of living, relentless pressure of work, both partners in a couple now expected to work full time. The world is in a terrible state and there needs to be some kind of revolution otherwise younger generations are going to be in an even worse state!

Edited May 30 by Sonam

[DA Baracus]

Re the media, I pretty much never watch or listen to the news. I don't seek it out on websites like the BBC for example. 

I don't feel like I ever miss out on anything important as I usually hear about it on this site or Reddit. Talking of Reddit, I simply don't read certain things. There's so much negativity and pish that I can see why folk get so down on it.

 

Anyway, came on here because I wanted to slightly vent and couldn't think of a better thread (not that I take this thread lightly as a place for any old pish).

I am embarrassed and ashamed every time I step out of the door due to how fucking fat I am. I know I've badly fucked up my life (i.e. permanently ruined it) and deserve all the criticism for it, but it doesn't change how shit I feel. It's why I've hidden away from life for so long (I often panic when I get an invite to something and too often make up an excuse to not go; sometimes when I do go to things I find myself really enjoying it but also breathe a huge sigh of relief when I get home) and why when I do go out I drink so much and why I drink so much when I have beers at home. Thankfully I only drink once a week but it's silly heavy. When I go to the football it isn't so bad when I'm there (my friends there really are sound and I love them), meaning before the game (but still a bit too much too often) and after when I'm with my friends, but after when I get the train alone I keep on drinking (too much) and then keep doing so when I get home. Far too often this year I've fallen asleep on the couch and then had to go to bed after, having a daft hangover on Sunday (mostly a digestive one). But when I'm alone I sink between 12-20 cans every Saturday (I'm a bit drunk now, having done 12). I don't have a high tolerance; often after two pints I feel tipsy. I just get stupidly done in.

Strangely I, in general, don't feel too bad (went back on medication last year, fluoxetine) most of the time but it does really bite when I have negative feelings.

I have moments when I ponder how badly I've failed at life (will be 40 in December, no kids, single, no girlfriend, live alone, no mortgage, debt, can't drive, no savings, no qualifications, lost so many friends, often lonely, etc). I do strangely intersperse that with blasts of positivity, but I'm worried how low that supply is running.

The vast majority of my issues are because of my stupid weight, caused by horrible habits. I've tried loads in the past to change (sometimes successfully, but never permanently) but it's like an addiction where when I try I get a feeling of physical pressure on the top of my head and a mental haze. I've been so weak and time is almost out.

I have loads of songs that I have to skip when they come on because it's too painful. 

But if I can sort it I might have a chance.

 

Right, I've said this mewling, weak pish so many times. I'll refrain from clogging this thread up so that folk with actual issues can speak. Apologies.

Edited June 1 by DA Baracus

[Spyro]

44 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

Re the media, I pretty much never watch or listen to the news. I don't seek it out on websites like the BBC for example. 

I don't feel like I ever miss out on anything important as I usually hear about it on this site or Reddit. Talking of Reddit, I simply don't read certain things. There's so much negativity and pish that I can see why folk get so down on it.

 

Anyway, came on here because I wanted to slightly vent and couldn't think of a better thread (not that I take this thread lightly as a place for any old pish).

I am embarrassed and ashamed every time I step out of the door due to how fucking fat I am. I know I've badly fucked up my life (i.e. permanently ruined it) and deserve all the criticism for it, but it doesn't change how shit I feel. It's why I've hidden away from life for so long (I often panic when I get an invite to something and too often make up an excuse to not go; sometimes when I do go to things I find myself really enjoying it but also breathe a huge sigh of relief when I get home) and why when I do go out I drink so much and why I drink so much when I have beers at home. Thankfully I only drink once a week but it's silly heavy. When I go to the football it isn't so bad when I'm there (my friends there really are sound and I love them), meaning before the game (but still a bit too much too often) and after when I'm with my friends, but after when I get the train alone I keep on drinking (too much) and then keep doing so when I get home. Far too often this year I've fallen asleep on the couch and then had to go to bed after, having a daft hangover on Sunday (mostly a digestive one). But when I'm alone I sink between 12-20 cans every Saturday (I'm a bit drunk now, having done 12). I don't have a high tolerance; often after two pints I feel tipsy. I just get stupidly done in.

Strangely I, in general, don't feel too bad (went back on medication last year, fluoxetine) most of the time but it does really bite when I have negative feelings.

I have moments when I ponder how badly I've failed at life (will be 40 in December, no kids, single, no girlfriend, live alone, no mortgage, debt, can't drive, no savings, no qualifications, lost so many friends, often lonely, etc). I do strangely intersperse that with blasts of positivity, but I'm worried how low that supply is running.

The vast majority of my issues are because of my stupid weight, caused by horrible habits. I've tried loads in the past to change (sometimes successfully, but never permanently) but it's like an addiction where when I try I get a feeling of physical pressure on the top of my head and a mental haze. I've been so weak and time is almost out.

I have loads of songs that I have to skip when they come on because it's too painful. 

But if I can sort it I might have a chance.

 

Right, I've said this mewling, weak pish so many times. I'll refrain from clogging this thread up so that folk with actual issues can speak. Apologies.

Don't apologise. You've done the right thing, opening up is the hardest step and I'm sure you'll get some good advice by just being honest. Not from me though, I'm hopeless and can hardly look after myself but I'll have a go!

The fact you get out to games and socialise is something you should focus on, you'll be amazed at how many of us struggle to even do that. You obviously mean a lot to the guys that join you every week and everyone else (excuse the expression) don't really matter.

Dwelling on the negatives and not realising the good things you do is a common thing and the horrible by-product for having a well-meaning, overactive head. I might come across as a cheeky c**t on here sometimes, but if I feel I have overstepped the mark and upset someone I feel absolutely terrible and have to give myself a slap to get the negativity out my head. My life is an absolute bonfire and I threw away so many opportunities and potential (education, family, my own business) because I'm a fucking idiot, but I'm learning not to let it take over the rest of my life and am starting a new chapter with a new job, with about 2 people I truly trust and rely on. You don't need a crowd of mates and picture perfect days in the sun, it's all just hassle you don't really need. I have the same thing with certain songs too, I never admit to anyone why I don't listen to some songs, but the bad memories they bring are too hard to take and I prefer to just avoid them! Once your head is happy though, the rest will follow eventually. 

[DA Baracus]

I do have a pal who calls me most Saturday nights. 

He's one of my best pals, if not the best. He probably won't know how much I appreciate his calls and how much I love the lad.

[Spyro]

18 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

I do have a pal who calls me most Saturday nights. 

He's one of my best pals, if not the best. He probably won't know how much I appreciate his calls and how much I love the lad.

That's the sort of person you need to stick by. They are like gold-dust and don't think they realise how important they are. 

I usually just get a smart-arsed, (jokingly) abusive message from my mate most of the time, but I hate talking phones and it means a lot just having him around! Literally the only person to make sure I was ok when everything blew up in my face and I was at rock bottom. If it wasn't for the bams on here recently, I'd be pretty lonely tbh. Luckily I'm now quite at peace in my own company and have cut out the drink/drug misuse so looking forward to things again for the first time in a while.