The DA Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 1 hour ago, IainMorton said: A man who was suing British Airways after they misplaced his luggage has lost his case. Two Ronnies? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chomp my root Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 12 minutes ago, The DA said: Two Ronnies? I thought the same, still funny though. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 14 minutes ago, The DA said: Two Ronnies? No idea where in originated from... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 Some random woman stopped me on the High Street today and started to tell me a joke. It had all the ingredients of a good joke..............child abuse, Incestual rape, tears and suffering, but I didn't understand the punchline. Something about £3 a month? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 At the Winter Olympics Posh Spice's hairdresser has won gold for the skeleton bob... 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herman Hessian Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 On 2/14/2018 at 11:17, G_Man1985 said: Asked the Mrs what she wants for Valentines. She said "give you a clue. Ex England goalie". She's expecting Flowers. She's getting Seaman. couple of suggestions if I may - perhaps "Harts and Flowers" ? and there's a place in here for Jimmy Rimmer somewhere.... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 ^^^ reminds me of... When David Beckham scores, he drinks Becks. When Kenny Miller scores, he drinks Miller. Bet you David Seaman is relieved he is a goalkeeper. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Paddy went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” Paddy said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put €50 in the poor box.” Paddy left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” Paddy replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!” 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 What's the best type of sweetie to eat if you have a cold? A chew. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 My girlfriend has done nothing but stare through our living room all day while it snows outside. If it gets any worse, I’ll need to let her inside. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Question: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Answer: Pop it in the microwave, until its bill withers! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 14 hours ago, Eednud said: Question: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Answer: Pop it in the microwave, until its bill withers! It was going to be a lovely day until I read that. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 This guy is involved in a horrendous car crash and comes out of a coma 5 days later. The consultant explains to him what happened etc then says, “I have to break the news to you - your dick came off in the crash. However there is a bit of good news. We expect you will get compensation in the region of £30000. We can now offer a dick replacement at £3000 per inch. So if you had a 10 incher before, you could replace the whole lot. Or maybe you only had 5 inches before so you could keep half the money. You need to discuss it with your wife so the two of you are happy.” Next day the guy is back at the consultant. ”So, have you and your wife reached a decision?” ”Aye, we’re getting a feckin new kitchen.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything, it's only made him more sluggish. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny Danger Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 18 hours ago, Eednud said: Question: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Answer: Pop it in the microwave, until its bill withers! Just told my wife that joke (after asking her if she knew who Bill Withers was; she did, I didn’t). She listened to the punchline stoney faced then said after a few seconds, “we’ve not had duck for ages”. She’s correct, we haven’t. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 Doctor, Doctor, I've had an erection for a fortnight and it won't go down. Sit in a cold bath until you're Googie Withers. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 2 hours ago, welshbairn said: Doctor, Doctor, I've had an erection for a fortnight and it won't go down. Sit in a cold bath until you're Googie Withers. Jokes like that should be kept Within These Walls. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silvio Tattiescone Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 16 hours ago, Granny Danger said: Just told my wife that joke (after asking her if she knew who Bill Withers was; she did, I didn’t). She listened to the punchline stoney faced then said after a few seconds, “we’ve not had duck for ages”. She’s correct, we haven’t. You might want to get your ears syringed 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny Danger Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 43 minutes ago, NewBornBairn said: You might want to get your ears syringed There’s that too! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryHill Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 I don't have much time for the FBI or CIA, but its MI6 that really bugs me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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