Work colleagues

[Sergeant Wilson]

I hope you've enjoyed your flight. I'm sticking this thing on autopilot for 15 minutes while I have a coffee. If you look to the right you'll see Wembley, don't worry if you miss it the first time.

[UsedToGoToCentralPark]

I worked in a job in a call centre after leaving Uni but I wasn't on the phones, I did back office analysis sort of stuff.  If we were missing our SLAs one of the managers would just make loads of calls directly to an agent from his personal phone, all would be answered in 0.1s and it would get the average wait time down to below SLA.  A good early career lesson in the benefits of defrauding your customers, who were all huge companies and some government departments and never queried our numbers.

I've worked in contact centres, that happens in them all.

[Bairnardo]

Much as all these jokes are top notch, and they really are, surely its understood that if you are busy.on a task that cant just be put down, you swallow that and get on with it, but equally if you are not then can go and make a cup of tea?

As a functioning adult, I honestly dont think I could handle being in an enviroment where somecunt thought they could tell me not to go and make myself a drink at a time I felt was appropriate.

Im fortunate that the job iv always done allows for this so iv never had to deal with these little Hitler sorts, but I dont think I could handle it.

[scottsdad]

1 minute ago, Bairnardo said:

Much as all these jokes are top notch, and they really are, surely its understood that if you are busy.on a task that cant just be put down, you swallow that and get on with it, but equally if you are not then can go and make a cup of tea?

As a functioning adult, I honestly dont think I could handle being in an enviroment where somecunt thought they could tell me not to go and make myself a drink at a time I felt was appropriate.

Im fortunate that the job iv always done allows for this so iv never had to deal with these little Hitler sorts, but I dont think I could handle it.

On a serious note, the only job I ever had where I had to ask permission to go to the toilet was when I worked on the checkouts at a supermarket. I can understand the logic a bit there - imagine a customer unloading a massive trolley load onto the belt and having me stand up and walk away whistling a tune, promising to be back soon if all went well. 

There was a pregnant girl though who did the same job. I remember a supervisor getting annoyed with her "You need to go again?" - clearly not understanding that foetuses are just wee b*****ds who like to play with bladders. 

At the same shop, a friend of mine would be on his break, clutching his stomach in agony, as he refused to take a shite in his own time. Only when he was working did he ask to go to the bog. 

[Flybhoy]

When I was an apprentice, the boy who was the year above me had particularly appalling personal hygiene, if you were in the van with him the stench of body odour and roll ups was boak inducing, several people at the work pulled him up for it but he genuinely didn't seem bothered and each day he was as reeking as the last. 

One day some of the senior tradesmen grabbed him one lunchtime, tied his wrists and ankles to the van roof rack with tie wraps and drove him through the car wash 

 

Bear in mind this was the mid 1990's when workplace pranks were laughed off as exactly that, these days not only would the guys involved get the sack but quite possibly face police charges as well for such a thing. 

[Adam]

On a serious note, the only job I ever had where I had to ask permission to go to the toilet was when I worked on the checkouts at a supermarket. I can understand the logic a bit there - imagine a customer unloading a massive trolley load onto the belt and having me stand up and walk away whistling a tune, promising to be back soon if all went well. 
There was a pregnant girl though who did the same job. I remember a supervisor getting annoyed with her "You need to go again?" - clearly not understanding that foetuses are just wee b*****ds who like to play with bladders. 
At the same shop, a friend of mine would be on his break, clutching his stomach in agony, as he refused to take a shite in his own time. Only when he was working did he ask to go to the bog. 

He’s absolutely bang on. Different now WFH but I’d be nearly touching cloth with 10 mins left of my lunch in the canteen, but I’ll be fucked if I’m going for a dump on my own time.

[Empty It]

There is 2 guys in particular at my work who come in and pretty much race each other to go for a shite every day, pretty sure they don't shite in their own house absolute rancid behaviour.

[Honest_Man#1]

5 minutes ago, Empty It said:

There is 2 guys in particular at my work who come in and pretty much race each other to go for a shite every day, pretty sure they don't shite in their own house absolute rancid behaviour.

Unsure what the rancid behaviour bit is in reference to? Unless you’re one of those weirdo types who will only shit in their own house.

[velo army]

The kettle chat (the word is "eti-kettle" @Melanius Mullarkay) reminds me of a couple of things.

1. My brother, when making a cuppa for us both, fills the kettle to the brim as if he's making for all the neighbours too. I'm the daftie though as I casually suggest (every fucking time like I haven't known him for almost 40 years) he fills the kettle as it's invariably empty when he goes to make it. Why am I the dafty? My brother is autistic so takes me literally. 

2. Working at a hectically busy restaurant it was always a massive ball-ache when someone ordered coffee, especially on a heaving Saturday night. Making hot chocolate was a piece of piss though. Heat milk, add to chocolate powder. Dawdle. Cue a barely concealed heid's gone from me when I find that one of my colleagues has decided to steam the milk in the jug with the chocolate added, and then left it next to the machine, all chocolate and manky (as well as the steaming nozzle from the machine) as I step up to make my 4 lattes. Murder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Empty It]

Unsure what the rancid behaviour bit is in reference to? Unless you’re one of those weirdo types who will only shit in their own house.

The toilet is just a wee toilet right off the workshop, stinks the whole place out, to be at the point of sprinting in the door to go for a shite is absolute weirdo behaviour.

[Thistle_do_nicely]

3 hours ago, ICTChris said:

I worked in a job in a call centre after leaving Uni but I wasn't on the phones, I did back office analysis sort of stuff.  If we were missing our SLAs one of the managers would just make loads of calls directly to an agent from his personal phone, all would be answered in 0.1s and it would get the average wait time down to below SLA.  A good early career lesson in the benefits of defrauding your customers, who were all huge companies and some government departments and never queried our numbers.

Similar story working as a home delivery driver a while back; regional manager was querying some utilisation stat or suchlike for the stores van at quiet periods. So the store manager started padding out the day by adding deliveries to other nearby stores on the delivery runs (sometimes it was still a good few items but other times it would literally just be a handful of plastic bags) edit: no-one afaik actually cared or looked at where the van was going on the delivery runs, just as long as it was hitting some arbitrary % through the day.

The wire has it right, you focus too much on the numbers and it all just becomes a stats game that gets played.

Edited February 21, 2022 by Thistle_do_nicely

[thistledo]

6 hours ago, GordonD said:

By which I assume you mean they gave you a bollocking if you were a minute or two late coming back. But you'd also get a bollocking if you hung up on a customer because it was time for your break. 

Exactly this. 

[Miguel Sanchez]

I no longer have holidays, annual leave or any other term you'd normally use for time off - I have 'planned absences'

 

[scottsdad]

3 minutes ago, Miguel Sanchez said:

I no longer have holidays, annual leave or any other term you'd normally use for time off - I have 'planned absences'

 

I have UK Annual Leave (Days) - not to be confused with Paid Leave UK (Days)

[Thorongil]

I hate office “cup of tea” culture. “Who’s turn is it?” is twee, embarrassing nonsense. 

If I want a coffee when I’m in work I get one from the vending machine or pop downstairs to Pret or whatever. It’s better not to involve other people, like with most things.

[Sergeant Wilson]

2 hours ago, Miguel Sanchez said:

I no longer have holidays, annual leave or any other term you'd normally use for time off - I have 'planned absences'

 

Keep the unplanned ones up your sleeve and never take a single day as sick.

[BFTD]

6 hours ago, Empty It said:

The toilet is just a wee toilet right off the workshop, stinks the whole place out, to be at the point of sprinting in the door to go for a shite is absolute weirdo behaviour.

Horrible flashbacks to working at a hotdesk separated from the lavvy by the thinnest of walls.

We had a volunteer with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Imagine enduring a rectal explosion in the full knowledge that all your workmates could hear every squeak and splatter. We could've had a conversation without raising our voices.

[Florentine_Pogen]

4 hours ago, Thorongil said:

I hate office “cup of tea” culture. “Who’s turn is it?” is twee, embarrassing nonsense. 

If I want a coffee when I’m in work I get one from the vending machine or pop downstairs to Pret or whatever. It’s better not to involve other people, like with most things.

At last. An opinion from Cattlegridville that I can wholeheartedly agree with. Have a greenie.

Hell is other people.

[Theroadlesstravelled]

15 hours ago, Empty It said:

There is 2 guys in particular at my work who come in and pretty much race each other to go for a shite every day, pretty sure they don't shite in their own house absolute rancid behaviour.

I worked with a guy who refused to shite at work and would drive home if he needed to go. His dream was to be sent home one day because he shat his pants.

And yes, he was a civil servant. 

[Eednud]

Place I worked at in the 70’s didn’t pay overtime for the first half hour but once the clock ticked one minute over you were paid an hour’s overtime  Cue exodus to the bogs about 25 minutes past with almost communal flushing around the 35 minute mark then clocking off for the day.  Not many had a shite though as the done thing was to have one earlier in the day.