The Banter Players

[DukDukGoose]

8 hours ago, coprolite said:

 

A striker ffs

Senior career*
Years	Team	Apps	(Gls)
1998–2002	Manchester City	2	(0)
2000	→ Oxford United (loan)	3	(0)
2001	→ Halifax Town (loan)	7	(0)
2002–2003	Aberdeen	33	(5)
2003–2005	Mossley
2005–2006	F.C. United of Manchester[1]	5	(0)
International career
1997	England Schoolboys
	England U18

Ole ole, ole ole. 

[sophia]

12 hours ago, Dons_1988 said:

Oh we have plenty of these. If someone starts a banter manager thread then we can oblige there too. 

Sergei Baltacha drove all the way from Perth to Inverness and couldn't find the stadium so he drove home again.

[Savage Henry]

Craig Curran and Ryan Air flights would be my answer.  

[djchapsticks]

Jens Paeslack.

Showed up around April 2000 when we were on route to winning the first division and in his 5 months with St Mirren:

Came off the bench against Airdrie and wiped half the stand out with a mental shot that had us thinking he'd be a superstar

Broke his foot in his second game against Falkirk and played on last 15 minutes through it like an absolute hero

Signed a new deal and proved he couldn't kick his own arse. Scoring only one goal, against Rangers as well.

Developed a habit of shaving his pubes in the team shower

Took a plaster cast of his cock and was very Liberal in showing it to the rest of the bemused squad

Got caught red-handed dipping player's bags and taking watches by Tommy Turner who got him by the throat and told him in no uncertain terms that his time at the club was over.

[Cptn Hooch]

Just to add to the Dolly Menga posts...he did an interview when he joined us and said he was looking forward to "bringing great sex to Livingston"

It turns out he meant great success but everything Dolly did, added to the "banter player" tag.

 

I actually played Fifa against him one night, he played football just like he played Fifa 

Edited March 3, 2023 by Cptn Hooch

[Dons_1988]

Dave bus signed, did some marketing with first bus and then…well who knows. 

[Mark Connolly]

Ryan cunting Edwards

[Tony Wonder]

Mauricio Pinilla. 2 years at Hearts, played about 8 games. Was on a fortune, spent most of his time at the Casino and went on loan back to Chile where he shattered his wrist in a bollock naked hotel room fight with the Chile captain who had orchestrated a sting operation  to catch him pickling his Mrs.

Genuinely brilliant player who was nuts. Left us to join Vasco De Gama and played at the 2014 World cup where he hit the bar against Brazil and got a tattoo of the moment on his back.

[10menwent2mow]

Darren Mackie and Dyron Daal

[Junior_Arab]

On 03/03/2023 at 13:10, Brian Graham’s Lovely Hair said:

I thought about O’Connor, specifically spelling his false name wrong when he got stopped by the police, but couldn’t remember if that was when he was at Hibs. I think it was when he wasn’t playing for us that most of his banter went on. 

I’d be pleasantly surprised if O’Connor could spell his actual name correctly, never mind a false one. 

[Hedgecutter]

Ian Ferguson was somewhat mental, was he not?

I have a vague (not sure if false) memory of him brutally halfing a player at EEP when he played for Dunfermline. One of those (revenge?) two-footed sliding tackles where he didn't even bother waiting for the ref and just walked straight towards the changing rooms.  Any Pars fans remember this?

[The Saintee]

Callum Davidson is a banter manager.

 

Has a truly remarkable first season then is absolutely shite. 

Rarely wins at home and has some amazing losing records. 

 

[Moorie]

On 03/03/2023 at 22:08, Dons_1988 said:

Dave bus signed, did some marketing with first bus and then…well who knows. 

Also got conned into giving a interview with a banned Charlie Allan in fake glasses, nose and mouser set 

[Moorie]

Ben Thornley came in with a big reputation scored in his debut. Started a few more games before appearing Centre fold in the green final only then to be told he was overweight by the manager and pretty much spent rest of his time warming the bench. Allegedly had a threesome where a fellow player was involved. Also witnessed him bin of a lot of kids waiting for his autograph near the players lounge by telling them to get out his way I need a drink leaving Dadi pick the pieces up  

[Boo Khaki]

The two years of the Bonetti era. Every single week there would be another random Italian or Argentinian free agent signing that nobody had ever heard of in the squad. Some of them turned out to be braw players, more often than not they'd get 45-90 minutes on the pitch, look nothing like a professional footballer whatsoever, then disappear again, only for some other chancer to repeat the same thing a week or two later. Lucas Gatti, the first player I can remember at Dens wearing white boots, rightfully met with complete bewilderment from the auld yins in the main stand. His wiki still lists him as a 'retired professional footballer', but I reckon that must be his maw editing it.

There were countless others, but it was such a frequent, fleeting event I have forgotten most of the names. 

One wee memory of that era, and entire believable, is seemingly Dario Bonetti used to insist on participating in every single training match and would routinely attempt to cripple any player that came near him with or without the ball. 

Edited March 5, 2023 by Boo Khaki

[tamthebam]

Tam "the original bam" Nolan 

Joined Edinburgh City from a top amateur side who'd got into a bit of soapy bubble. He had talent but was a f*cking looney.

On a pre-season friendly took the fire extinguisher out of Bankfoot's changing room and used in to soak the club secretary

Missed the team bus back from Kelso as he thought he was on a promise. Took a taxi with his team mate "Basher" and arrived back at the pub we used to use after match. Tried to escape out the pub's bog window which was 20 feet up and one of the committee had to pay off a bemused taxi driver 

Played against Dunfermline in the Scottish Cup. Sammy the Tammy was trying to wind up the City fans pre-match so Tam, warming up, aimed a ball at Sammy's arse and nearly knocked him over 

Cowdenbeath took a risk on him. Arrived back after 6 months less fit than he'd been at City.

He was also in the Marmion pub when a gang feud lead to a shooting.

Some boi.

 

 

[Kapowzer]

2 hours ago, tamthebam said:

Tam "the original bam" Nolan 

Joined Edinburgh City from a top amateur side who'd got into a bit of soapy bubble. He had talent but was a f*cking looney.

On a pre-season friendly took the fire extinguisher out of Bankfoot's changing room and used in to soak the club secretary

Missed the team bus back from Kelso as he thought he was on a promise. Took a taxi with his team mate "Basher" and arrived back at the pub we used to use after match. Tried to escape out the pub's bog window which was 20 feet up and one of the committee had to pay off a bemused taxi driver 

Played against Dunfermline in the Scottish Cup. Sammy the Tammy was trying to wind up the City fans pre-match so Tam, warming up, aimed a ball at Sammy's arse and nearly knocked him over 

Cowdenbeath took a risk on him. Arrived back after 6 months less fit than he'd been at City.

He was also in the Marmion pub when a gang feud lead to a shooting.

Some boi.

 

 

Irvine Welsh has got his next book sorted then.

[Stylish Kid]

On 03/03/2023 at 07:19, Kyle Reese said:

Used to store his pizza on the ceiling.

I still don't understand how that happened

[DA Baracus]

On 05/03/2023 at 08:17, Hedgecutter said:

Ian Ferguson was somewhat mental, was he not?

I have a vague (not sure if false) memory of him brutally halfing a player at EEP when he played for Dunfermline. One of those (revenge?) two-footed sliding tackles where he didn't even bother waiting for the ref and just walked straight towards the changing rooms.  Any Pars fans remember this?

Can't recall that but I do recall when we played Celtic at East End one time he smashed the ball in to the Celtic fans in the NE stand. He claimed he was trying to pass it and hit a bobble on the pitch.

[Flybhoy]

Tony Cascarino.

 

Pretty shite in his six months at Celtic, a big money signing who has supposed to be Celtic's answer to Mark Hately.

In and out the team for the first month or so due to a combination of injuries and, generally being clumsy, slow and pretty shite.

Took about ten games to get his first goal for Celtic, coming off the bench to score an open goal against Hearts at Celtic Park which he very nearly missed, a couple of minutes later he chinned Craig Levein at a corner with a right hook that was much more accurate than his shooting then, a straight red card in an eventful five minute cameo off the bench.

Incredibly and hilariously managed to score a late equaliser at Ibrox a few weeks later, latching on to a dreadful passback by Nigel Spackman.

His swansong in the hoops came at Airdrie in November, on a day he actually scored a cracking goal with a turn swivel then shot type finish, he made his final, and probably most noticeable impact in a Celtic shirt on an unfortunate police woman, chasing an overhit pass his momentum carried him off the touchline, absolutely smashing into the WPC and slamming her against the perimeter wall at the front of the terrace at Broomfield, she suffered a serious back injury, having to retire from the force whim she sued successfully for compensation of, I seem to recall a six figure sum.

Chelsea, quite laughably agreed to swap Tom Boyd for him and he went on to have an equally poor spell at Stamford Bridge before a successful Indian summer type spell at Marseilles of all clubs late in his career. 

Cracking lad by all accounts who speaks fondly of the club and its fans, admitting he wasn't really up to it in his brief spell at Celtic Park, few would argue with that, he was pretty fucking dreadful it has to be said.