Work colleagues

[The Moonster]

28 minutes ago, D.A.F.C said:

Meetings are a total waste of time and for self prompting wrongtards who do nothing else

Wrongtard is a terrible insult. Perhaps you should hold a meeting to try and brainstorm some better insults.

[D.A.F.C]

Let's all sit about and do f**k all. Great idea.

[The Moonster]

Yeah, I would hate to get paid for doing f**k all. 

[Melanius Mullarkey]

Just now, The Moonster said:

Yeah, I would hate to get paid for doing f**k all. 

Its actually quite rewarding.

 

[The Moonster]

Just now, Melanius Mullarkey said:

Its actually quite rewarding.

 

Maybe for a wrongtard!!! Good, honest, hard working men like myself and DAFC couldn't live with the guilt.

[mizfit]

I fell asleep in a meeting once with a headset on.

Never got invited to another one.

[The Moonster]

Colleague: What was the name of that comedian in the 70's again, wee fat guy, racist?

Boss: Bernard Matthews

Everyone:

 

[nsr]

1 hour ago, mizfit said:

I fell asleep in a meeting once with a headset on.

Never got invited to another one.

Maybe my hearing is going as I embrace middle age, but I can never hear a word anyone says on a conference call. Some guy, possibly from India, will be jabbering on and all of my colleagues will be nodding sagely and then making cogent replies while I just sit praying to the Lord that nobody will ask me to contribute.

[KnightswoodBear]

1 hour ago, mizfit said:

I fell asleep in a meeting once with a headset on.

Never got invited to another one.

I've done this a couple of times.  I have usually got away with it, but I once woke up and realised I had been snoring and hadn't gone on mute, and once was woken by someone repeating my name after asking me a question.

Edited January 8, 2019 by KnightswoodBear

[GordonD]

4 minutes ago, KnightswoodBear said:

I've done this a couple of times.  I have usually got away with it, but I once woke up and realised I had been snoring and hadn't gone on mute, and once was woken by someone repeating my name after asking me a question.

"BA Flight 178, ARE YOUR WHEELS DOWN?"

[Florentine_Pogen]

"BA Flight 178, ARE YOUR WHEELS DOWN?"

Fuxake Gordon, everybody knows that “Speedbird” is the call sign for British Airways........[emoji574]️
[emoji1][emoji41]

[Mr Pikey]

Guy injures himself by not following  procedures  at work . Back to work today so I have to do an accident investigation  to  prevent a repeat of this f**k up.  Three questions in he starts getting aggressive  for feck all other than he's a fuckin r****d.  Keep calm and question his aggression  all the while wanting to bang his ugly face off the edge of my desk. Denies being trained in the correct procedures  accompanied by shouting and finger pointing. Oh the joy when I show him his signature on his training record.  The bluster went down like a burst balloon.  Unfortunately  you can't grab people by the throat and f**k them out the door.  

Edited January 9, 2019 by Cardinal Richelieu

[ayrshire_nomad]

On 08/01/2019 at 15:49, Mr Pikey said:

Guy injures himself by not following  procedures  at work . Back to work today so I have to do an accident investigation  to  prevent a repeat of this f**k up.  Three questions in he starts getting aggressive  for feck all other than he's a fuckin r****d.  Keep calm and question his aggression  all the while wanting to bang his ugly face off the edge of my desk. Denies being trained in the correct procedures  accompanied by shouting and finger pointing. Oh the joy when I show him his signature on his training record.  The bluster went down like a burst balloon.  Unfortunately  you can't grab people by the throat and f**k them out the door.  

You can if you've signed the appropriate training record card!

Edited January 9, 2019 by Cardinal Richelieu

[Bairnardo]

You can if you've signed the appropriate training record card!

Really depends. The company favoured trump card of "Aye well you signed this" regardless of actual knowledge or quality (if any) of training delivered no longer cuts the mustard with HSE etc who are long since wise to that pish.

To give you an example, at my work a serious f**k up could see me answering for it in a court of law, I have training records which the company have used to deem me competent. I would EASILY destroy that if I needed to because I know its a sham and could prove it.

If you are going to start trying to bin folk you need to be able to demonstrate that you have done everything you could to raise their competence etc.

Maybe the training at your respective works is different and offers genuine quality and ongoing competence assurance. I have yet to see one like that

[GordonD]

The guy's signature on the form is no evidence that he's been trained. (He could have slept through the whole thing.) But if he's claiming that training was never offered, then his signature is proof that he's talking crap.

[BFTD]

Last three jobs I've been in, I've been handed my predecessor's health and safety training manual and told to copy the answers into a fresh book. The manuals have always made reference to training courses that I'm supposed to have been sent on before completion. I always make sure to copy everything word for word, so it'll look as suspicious as possible if there's ever a need to question the "training" that I've supposedly had. It's either that, or find another job, as I've no illusions that I'll be kept on if I kick up a fuss about it. It's been the same for any other employees I've discussed it with, even those above my pay grade, which implies it's more of a corporate policy than lazy management.

Current job is interesting, as HR have insisted that I fill out a manual on handling people in residential care, despite the job having nothing to do with that. It requires the kind of detail you'd only get from actual training; I've no idea what the answers are, and I've nobody else's manual to copy from, so it's sitting in a drawer until someone notices that it hasn't been returned. Kind of interested to know what will happen when I make it clear I can't fill it in - there's no chance of me actually receiving any training, and it would be pointless anyway.

Bit curious to know how common this kind of pretence is. I've only received health and safety training at one job, thinking about it.

[Growl3th]

Last three jobs I've been in, I've been handed my predecessor's health and safety training manual and told to copy the answers into a fresh book. The manuals have always made reference to training courses that I'm supposed to have been sent on before completion. I always make sure to copy everything word for word, so it'll look as suspicious as possible if there's ever a need to question the "training" that I've supposedly had. It's either that, or find another job, as I've no illusions that I'll be kept on if I kick up a fuss about it. It's been the same for any other employees I've discussed it with, even those above my pay grade, which implies it's more of a corporate policy than lazy management.
Current job is interesting, as HR have insisted that I fill out a manual on handling people in residential care, despite the job having nothing to do with that. It requires the kind of detail you'd only get from actual training; I've no idea what the answers are, and I've nobody else's manual to copy from, so it's sitting in a drawer until someone notices that it hasn't been returned. Kind of interested to know what will happen when I make it clear I can't fill it in - there's no chance of me actually receiving any training, and it would be pointless anyway.
Bit curious to know how common this kind of pretence is. I've only received health and safety training at one job, thinking about it.

This is why more companies (responsible ones) are moving to online training and assessment. Adherence to compliance is essential nowadays.

[alta-pete]

Adherence to compliance is essential nowadays.

YES BOSS!!

[fuzzydunlop]

I’ve just got a new job. Which thankfully has saved my sanity. 

My previous job was a customer services manager for one of the worlds biggest companies. Looking after a team of 10.  All decent enough folk but with various levels of stupidity.  I spent most of my days pulling what hair I have left out due to the sh*t they used to pull.  Big problem was the company(a well know car manufacturer) paid sh*t wages so we could only recruit the dregs…and management above me would wonder why things went t*ts  regularly.

Working in England and being Scottish I’m all too used to the pitiful attempts at a Scottish accent.

The team I managed were mostly female which all mates used to think would be heaven. Was it f*ck… never known so much b*tching and absolute b*llshit in my life.  Continually having to deal with ‘issues’.

Also Heres some of their thoughts about Scotland:

we only have B roads, or dirt tracks.

I was once asked if “there are any chinese takeways in Scotland?” I did ask if it was a p*ss take but it wasn’t.  

It snows 365 days a year and one girl assumed we lived in igloos

Now I did honestly think they were taking the p*ss but honestly this was all legit(unless of course there was massive conspiracy with me throughout my ten years and various staff members)

 

I always remember coming into work when the Brexit vote was announced. We’re a worldwide company so it was in our interest for us to remain.  Personally I’m a remainer as well.  Anyway, one of the girls saw me come in and said “oh you must be happy with the result”.  When I a sked her why she thought that she said “well you are Scottish and you wanted out of the UK, so at least getting out of Europe is a start”.  The code of conduct was tested that day…

[supermik]

People who arrive at work early and take all the  car park spaces. People who arrive at work later and moan about having nowhere to park.