farty pants

[Tony Ferrino]

 When taking your young kids swimming another parent catches you trying to sniff your own  bubbles.

[D.A.F.C]

Lentil soup is lethal for pumping.

[Tony Ferrino]

2 minutes ago, D.A.F.C said:

Lentil soup is lethal for pumping.

As the saying goes 'lentil's mental, tomato's staccato'.

[19QOS19]

Generally don't have the balls to fart in public but when there is a fat guy near me all bets are off. It's like a free pass. There have been a couple of times I've let off near a fat person and just screwed my face up after doing it, so as to suggest it wasn't me.

[tamthebam]

1 hour ago, 19QOS19 said:

Generally don't have the balls to fart in public but when there is a fat guy near me all bets are off. It's like a free pass. There have been a couple of times I've let off near a fat person and just screwed my face up after doing it, so as to suggest it wasn't me.
 

don't people realise "he who smelt it, dealt it" any more? 

[tamthebam]

time for a sketch from my favourite comedian:

 

[Zen Archer (Raconteur)]

[Kennboy1978]

Lentil soup is lethal for pumping.

I would imagine so, especially in a tin.

[Arch Stanton]

 

[Raidernation]

When I’m teaching I rarely if ever sit, I’m always on the move in the classroom.
I’ve let off many SBDs over the years and every time the kids blame each other [emoji23]
It one of the little thinks that make it a great job(bie)

[8MileBU]

When I’m teaching I rarely if ever sit, I’m always on the move in the classroom.

I’ve let off many SBDs over the years and every time the kids blame each other [emoji23]

It one of the little thinks that make it a great job(bie)

 

Mr Sutherland, my Physics teacher at high school used to become a seething mess if an SBD caught his nostrils. The silence would be immediately broken by “Who was that?! That’s disgusting!”

 

Loud farts brought out equal levels of rage too, and a steely glare at every boy in class trying to catch the look of guilt on the farters face! Naturally all this did was enhance the efforts to produce nasty or loud farts in his class!

 

Several times I got made to leave the class and stand in the corridor not for being the farter, but because the loud ones and the ensuing rage of the teacher usually had me in tears and a giggling wreck! [emoji1]

[KnightswoodBear]

On 4/20/2016 at 08:57, KnightswoodBear said:

I'm sure I've told this story before.

We had a Registration/Maths/Computing teacher at our school who was a total Yewtree candidate.  He would get up to go and stand at the door and watch the lassies walking past the door and the come away with shit like "it's ok to look, eh boys?" total fucking creep.

Anyway, we were in registration one morning and my mate cocked his leg and farted.  The fact that it was an absolute worldie and he was sitting on a wooden chair meant that it echoed round the whole class to the uncontrollable amusement of all of us.  This beast teacher went fucking tonto and started threatening to have the offender suspended.

Our first class after this was Computing, which unfortunately he taught as well.  Once the class started he dragged myself and my mate (neither of us were the farter) outside and basically tried to get us to grass up the boy that did it.  Neither of us were budging and increasingly we were trying not to burst out laughing which we were managing up until he lost the rag and squealed "Well it came from where you were sitting....UNLESS SOMEONE HAS A VENTRILOQUIST BOTTOM!!!"

At this point the two of us completely lost it and descended into an uncontrollable laughing fit.  He made us head off down to the Headmasters office, where we had to explain why we were there through tears of laughter.  What made it even better was the headmaster basically told us to f**k off and stop wasting his time, which made Jimmy Saville upstairs even more raging when we trooped back into his class.

I retell this tale everytime there is a farting thread.

[Adam]

I remember once in RE at school, a really quiet girl sneezed and farted a complete belter at the same time.  Even 15 years on I don't think I have ever laughed as much as I did that afternoon, tears streaming down my face, struggling to breathe.  Got punted out the class after what felt like 10 minutes of constant laughter from me.

[Mark Connolly]

It's been a while since it happened, but a bit of crop dusting while walking home after a big night out was always enjoyable.

[capybara]

Bean sprouts last night. And cauliflower cheese tonight. Window open.

[Ron Aldo]

Those plastic chairs at school were always good for amplifying the sounds of a fart.

[BFTD]

Absolutely bizarre how many teachers would get into a frothing state about somebody farting. Seems like the education system used to be a haven for shrill, socially maladjusted tragedies who likely spent their evenings weeping about how their lives turned out.

Putting it like that, I might think about a career change  

[mizfit]

Why the f**k would you want to filter out a fart? Dropping an absolute bomb in a crowded place is nothing short of wonderful.

Manchester shopping Centre 2013 - so loud and violent it sent my friends into rolls of laughter and nearly evacuated Starbucks from the disgust.

[mathematics]

I do a little bit of tutoring in my spare time, and the boy that comes to me on a Friday has some serious arse issues. His stomach is perpetually gurgling and he buggers off to the toilet at least twice on every visit. The gurgling intensifies whenever he’s stuck or nervous about a particular topic.

anyway, on Friday there his stomach gave an almighty gurgle and he quickly excused himself to the toilet. Then the stench hit me. It was so bad that I had to leave the room until it had dissipated. I’m convinced that he followed through as he sheepishly came out of the loo stating that there was something up with my toilet as the paper wouldn’t flush.

mrs mathematics was going mental at me after he’d left, like it was my fucking fault!

[throbber]

When my daughter was 5 months old and in the next 2 me bed I farted so loudly it woke her up and she started crying.