Depression

[RH33]

Young, that's cheered me up!

[Guest]

 

Thank you to everyone on this thread who has helped me when I've needed it. Thought I'd share this fantastic video from Norwich. Thank you P&B 

[RH33]

I dont want risk saying in public what's happened in the last 12 hours. (I know that's very u ok *** post) But it's hell and I'm fighting with every fibre not to let the situation get better of me.

 

[???]

feeling in a rut atm with life but happy with my lot. not helping myself, need to lose good bit of weight I am not happy with my appearance at the moment.

 

Exercise most days but eating is shocking.

 

Also marriage is feeling a huge strain due to 1 of my kids (oldest who is 7) acting out daily and me reacting.

 

Trying to use techniques to walk away etc but he follows to continue it. Wife at breaking point. Hopefully we get there.

 

[scottsdad]

5 hours ago, RH33 said:

I dont want risk saying in public what's happened in the last 12 hours. (I know that's very u ok *** post) But it's hell and I'm fighting with every fibre not to let the situation get better of me.

 

If you ever need to vent, this place is as good as any! 

Hope whatever is going on eases up soon.

[TxRover]

10 hours ago, ??? said:

Also marriage is feeling a huge strain due to 1 of my kids (oldest who is 7) acting out daily and me reacting.

 

Trying to use techniques to walk away etc but he follows to continue it. Wife at breaking point. Hopefully we get there.

 

One of the most difficult things to do is not react. As a parent, you can establish boundaries and then enforce them. Learning that the enforcement need not be immediate, like with pets and such, can be an easy one to over look. Consider using the “if you follow me right now, you will lose (name a privilege) for (choose a time period)”. Since you know there is a consequence for his actions, you may feel less compelled to react when he does it.

10 hours ago, RH33 said:

I dont want risk saying in public what's happened in the last 12 hours. (I know that's very u ok *** post) But it's hell and I'm fighting with every fibre not to let the situation get better of me.

 

Absolutely what scottsdad said, 100%+. Come here and scream, yell, vent…belittle some of our weirder posters, whatever helps dissipate the stress. Being a Ross County fan is surely enough stress right now. We know you’ll be OK because you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, but even the best need to let it out sometime and somewhere.

[RH33]

On 11/10/2023 at 09:05, scottsdad said:

If you ever need to vent, this place is as good as any! 

Hope whatever is going on eases up soon.

Usually I would but on this ocassion i can't. But I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I'll get there though. Some people are only happy taking others down.

That Norwich video is excellent.

[Venti]

22 minutes ago, RH33 said:

Usually I would but on this ocassion i can't. But I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I'll get there though. Some people are only happy taking others down.

That Norwich video is excellent.

Only someone as strong as you can get hit by a bus & come out the other side.

We're always here if you need us.

[TxRover]

9 hours ago, RH33 said:

Usually I would but on this ocassion i can't. But I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I'll get there though. Some people are only happy taking others down.

That Norwich video is excellent.

Oh Lordie that sounds familiar. I’ve got a nasty acid ball eating at my stomach right now with a Court Hearing in the morning. I expect the opposing party to make an absolute f**king circus of it for God knows what reason…so I know what you mean about some people. Hopefully your situation is a bit more transitory, and the bus doesn’t back up. Wish we could help, but just know we ARE here if you need the support…no judgement, no questions, that’s the sweet part of this little corner of a Scottish fitba backwater.

[Bairnardo]

Had a really odd experience the other day.... Was my birthday this week and evidently iv hit the point where no one really gives a f**k that its my birthday anymore, which I'd always assumed I was OK with, but an IOU message in the hastily written card off the wife must have landed a bit, cos as the day went on I just felt.... Sad. When I was driving home from work, I actually felt.like crying. Just floored mood-wise. It was really weird. 

Then I got to thinking about some shit thats happened of late. Specifically afew weeks ago the wife having a bit of a meltdown that she can't keep going like we are because I'm not affectionate enough and she doesn't feel as loved as she should. Nothing to do with falling out or me not doing my bit or working hard or being a good parent, just this sort of intangible thing that's missing from my personality.... Anyway that was a few weeks ago and it's sort of got better, but again I think it might have left a mark on me, cos I got to thinking, I know she's spoke to her various pals about these problems. Women do. So now there's all these folk who have some sort of opinion on my marriage and subsequently of me, but I don't have anyone asking me what I think or feel. My pals aren't really that type of guy.... I'm not either.

It's just the whole things made me feel like I'm sort of in a lot of folks periphery, but no ones focus. I just get on and handle my shit, which is hard as we never really get a break from the kids due to lack of family, then when something makes me feel shite I don't really have many places to turn. 

Going back to the feeling of sudden sadness, iv never felt anything like it. I think il.habe to keep a eye on it, because it's the first time iv ever felt maybe there is a genuine issue there

Long post like, but felt I needed to vent it

[Clarko_son]

On 07/10/2023 at 13:11, Thistle_do_nicely said:

couple of things i want to say, just as general points, hoping someone can find these handy:

i) dont be afraid to bite the bullet and go to the doctors for medication. ended up getting prescribed sertraline and, while not a wonderdrug, its definitely making a difference

This is something I had been putting off for years and it's made a huge difference so far. I had real reservations about using medication for one reason or another but I bit the bullet after a weird couple of months where I started feeling completely out of control emotionally. 

I had felt down years ago but think it was just due to hitting a bit of a slump in my life and being in a job I really didn't enjoy. This time my mood was just swinging all over the scale throughout the day and at a friend's wedding had a complete breakdown which wasn't the best exactly. It was one of those where alcohol was involved as well but think it just removed inhibition and I was saying things that I'd suppressed rather than just talking pish, thankfully to my wife rather than making any public scene.

I've found sertraline has helped smooth things out a bit. I've still had a few bad days (1 really bad) but overall things feel a lot more in control which was pretty much all I had really wanted. I've tried CBT before but there's just something about it that I can't put my finger on about how it just doesn't seem to work for me. I would feel much better in the sessions and immediately after but by the next day or later on the same day I'd be back feeling all over the place again. Might just be the people I've had or something else altogether but I couldn't really get much out of it.

The misery side of things was even getting to the point where we went away on holiday at the start of September and all I ended up doing was just moaning about everything and getting to the point where my wife was calling me out about it. While I'd also tried to keep work out of it as I actually like what I do, naturally it seeped into that as well and my performance went completely down the shitter the past few months. Thankfully I've got a boss that's been supportive about it all and if anything it taught me a lesson that seems really obvious yet I hadn't really picked up on, some bad figures aren't the end of the world. I know I'm fortunate in that side of things as there's been other places I've been where this wouldn't have been the case.

Sorry this is just turned into a ramble but basically if you're kind of on the fence about medication I'd try and keep an open mind about it. It's not necessarily a recommendation and it's just based on my experience of it but it's helped me. Likewise CBT or other therapies might work just I didn't find them great.

[Venti]

18 hours ago, Bairnardo said:

Had a really odd experience the other day.... Was my birthday this week and evidently iv hit the point where no one really gives a f**k that its my birthday anymore, which I'd always assumed I was OK with, but an IOU message in the hastily written card off the wife must have landed a bit, cos as the day went on I just felt.... Sad. When I was driving home from work, I actually felt.like crying. Just floored mood-wise. It was really weird. 

Then I got to thinking about some shit thats happened of late. Specifically afew weeks ago the wife having a bit of a meltdown that she can't keep going like we are because I'm not affectionate enough and she doesn't feel as loved as she should. Nothing to do with falling out or me not doing my bit or working hard or being a good parent, just this sort of intangible thing that's missing from my personality.... Anyway that was a few weeks ago and it's sort of got better, but again I think it might have left a mark on me, cos I got to thinking, I know she's spoke to her various pals about these problems. Women do. So now there's all these folk who have some sort of opinion on my marriage and subsequently of me, but I don't have anyone asking me what I think or feel. My pals aren't really that type of guy.... I'm not either.

It's just the whole things made me feel like I'm sort of in a lot of folks periphery, but no ones focus. I just get on and handle my shit, which is hard as we never really get a break from the kids due to lack of family, then when something makes me feel shite I don't really have many places to turn. 

Going back to the feeling of sudden sadness, iv never felt anything like it. I think il.habe to keep a eye on it, because it's the first time iv ever felt maybe there is a genuine issue there

Long post like, but felt I needed to vent it

I've been in a similar scenario before.

In a relationship where you feel edged out & become feeling irrelevant. Wasn't married or had kids like you, but I know the way it makes you feel like you're of no use.

Wish I had answers for you Bairn, I kinda suck at this. 

[RH33]

After I few really trying weeks, where I was really pushed limits of coping. I'm pretty sure I'm though danger zone.

Wary posting too much in public but some people get cheap thrills trying to break others.

 

['WellDel]

1 hour ago, RH33 said:

After I few really trying weeks, where I was really pushed limits of coping. I'm pretty sure I'm though danger zone.

Wary posting too much in public but some people get cheap thrills trying to break others.

 

Glad to hear you've come through your rough period and hope things continue to improve for you.

People can be cnuts, and sometimes those who are/were close to us can turn out to actually be the worst, whether through jealousy, spite or whatever. We can only keep being the best we can be, and their cuntery will always be outed in the end, so f**k 'em. Keep on keeping on with your head held high.

[alta-pete]

On 19/10/2023 at 22:04, Bairnardo said:

Had a really odd experience the other day.... Was my birthday this week and evidently iv hit the point where no one really gives a f**k that its my birthday anymore, which I'd always assumed I was OK with, but an IOU message in the hastily written card off the wife must have landed a bit, cos as the day went on I just felt.... Sad. When I was driving home from work, I actually felt.like crying. Just floored mood-wise. It was really weird. 

Then I got to thinking about some shit thats happened of late. Specifically afew weeks ago the wife having a bit of a meltdown that she can't keep going like we are because I'm not affectionate enough and she doesn't feel as loved as she should. Nothing to do with falling out or me not doing my bit or working hard or being a good parent, just this sort of intangible thing that's missing from my personality.... Anyway that was a few weeks ago and it's sort of got better, but again I think it might have left a mark on me, cos I got to thinking, I know she's spoke to her various pals about these problems. Women do. So now there's all these folk who have some sort of opinion on my marriage and subsequently of me, but I don't have anyone asking me what I think or feel. My pals aren't really that type of guy.... I'm not either.

It's just the whole things made me feel like I'm sort of in a lot of folks periphery, but no ones focus. I just get on and handle my shit, which is hard as we never really get a break from the kids due to lack of family, then when something makes me feel shite I don't really have many places to turn. 

Going back to the feeling of sudden sadness, iv never felt anything like it. I think il.habe to keep a eye on it, because it's the first time iv ever felt maybe there is a genuine issue there

Long post like, but felt I needed to vent it

A terrible male dichotomy - not wanting to cause a fuss yet it’s also nice to feel the appreciation maybe once in a wee while for all that you do.

Your birthday seems like it should be an easy pitstop for them to do that. And that, this year, seems to have been denied you.

But others get to be more theatric (if that’s fair?) day to day if they think they’re not recognised for their also significant efforts in raising, and holding together, the family.

I don’t have the answer (sorry) but been there, done that, got the medal, lost the house (pah!) - you’re not unique my friend. Do keep venting on here. Just getting it out to anyone will help immeasurably. 

Edited October 20, 2023 by alta-pete

[velo army]

On 19/10/2023 at 22:04, Bairnardo said:

Had a really odd experience the other day.... Was my birthday this week and evidently iv hit the point where no one really gives a f**k that its my birthday anymore, which I'd always assumed I was OK with, but an IOU message in the hastily written card off the wife must have landed a bit, cos as the day went on I just felt.... Sad. When I was driving home from work, I actually felt.like crying. Just floored mood-wise. It was really weird. 

Then I got to thinking about some shit thats happened of late. Specifically afew weeks ago the wife having a bit of a meltdown that she can't keep going like we are because I'm not affectionate enough and she doesn't feel as loved as she should. Nothing to do with falling out or me not doing my bit or working hard or being a good parent, just this sort of intangible thing that's missing from my personality.... Anyway that was a few weeks ago and it's sort of got better, but again I think it might have left a mark on me, cos I got to thinking, I know she's spoke to her various pals about these problems. Women do. So now there's all these folk who have some sort of opinion on my marriage and subsequently of me, but I don't have anyone asking me what I think or feel. My pals aren't really that type of guy.... I'm not either.

It's just the whole things made me feel like I'm sort of in a lot of folks periphery, but no ones focus. I just get on and handle my shit, which is hard as we never really get a break from the kids due to lack of family, then when something makes me feel shite I don't really have many places to turn. 

Going back to the feeling of sudden sadness, iv never felt anything like it. I think il.habe to keep a eye on it, because it's the first time iv ever felt maybe there is a genuine issue there

Long post like, but felt I needed to vent it

Only just came on this thread after months of studious avoidance and this one really moved me.

Your wife feeling less loved and blaming you for your lack of affection is something that will push you away rather than bring you in. You hinted that it was missing from your personality, but it's something we can only give if we've received it ourselves in a safe way. Or if it's been modelled for us (if your father was affectionate with your mum, for example). 

The birthday thing is huge and can't be underestimated. You said that you're on everyone's periphery but nobody's focus. That's a really beautiful way to express that. Birthdays are the one day of the year set aside to celebrate ourselves, for you to have you reminded that you are loved and that people in your life are delighted by you. It's such a core need and brings up so many wounds that people often underplay their birthday or avoid it altogether. It can be too raw.

But it sounds like something is stirring in you and it's it's much more common than you think. The sadness that "might become an issue" isn't a pathology or mental illness. It's a natural reaction to your own loneliness. 

My invitation to you would be to find a space where you give yourself permission to express that sadness, and also treat yourself kindly for not doing that. I know how terrifying it is.

I don't know if this is a comfort, but what you've described and what you're experiencing is very common amongst men of a particular age (I'm guessing you're between 35-45). It sounds like there is a part of you that really wants to be heard and seen and that big sadness you mentioned is an invitation to begin that process.

Fucking scary though.

 

 

 

[TxRover]

On 19/10/2023 at 16:04, Bairnardo said:

Had a really odd experience the other day.... Was my birthday this week and evidently iv hit the point where no one really gives a f**k that its my birthday anymore, which I'd always assumed I was OK with, but an IOU message in the hastily written card off the wife must have landed a bit, cos as the day went on I just felt.... Sad. When I was driving home from work, I actually felt.like crying. Just floored mood-wise. It was really weird. 

Then I got to thinking about some shit thats happened of late. Specifically afew weeks ago the wife having a bit of a meltdown that she can't keep going like we are because I'm not affectionate enough and she doesn't feel as loved as she should. Nothing to do with falling out or me not doing my bit or working hard or being a good parent, just this sort of intangible thing that's missing from my personality.... Anyway that was a few weeks ago and it's sort of got better, but again I think it might have left a mark on me, cos I got to thinking, I know she's spoke to her various pals about these problems. Women do. So now there's all these folk who have some sort of opinion on my marriage and subsequently of me, but I don't have anyone asking me what I think or feel. My pals aren't really that type of guy.... I'm not either.

It's just the whole things made me feel like I'm sort of in a lot of folks periphery, but no ones focus. I just get on and handle my shit, which is hard as we never really get a break from the kids due to lack of family, then when something makes me feel shite I don't really have many places to turn. 

Going back to the feeling of sudden sadness, iv never felt anything like it. I think il.habe to keep a eye on it, because it's the first time iv ever felt maybe there is a genuine issue there

Long post like, but felt I needed to vent it

Vent away. There is often an inflection point in relationships, and marriages are no different. The issue here seems to be one of the wife is pushing for change to a mode she’s more comfortable with, but the question has to be asked, why now and not much earlier? Add to that that you’re now looking at all her friends and wondering what did she tell them and what are they thinking.

I found, in my case, that the typical male focus on work/providing and ensure the kids had the right chances, tended to make the wife feel under appreciated. The problem than occurred from that was once she saw changes in behavior appeared possible (it was only with a careful, deliberate focus because what she was wanting is somewhat alien to many men), she was pushing for more and more and becoming resentful when it didn’t happen “like that” (snap of the fingers).

Joint counseling gave us ground to work on together, but it doesn’t always have as good a result, and even with common ground and understanding, it takes both parties working hard to make it work.

I suspect the literal throwaway birthday wish from your wife bothers you because I expect you did the traditional thing, planning something, getting some nice stuff and finding a present…and you didn’t feel like very much, if any, effort was put into the reciprocal by her. It’s easy to say you don’t want/need anything, but even something inexpensive that shows thought should have been forthcoming.

The fact you are concerned about this is good, because it means you recognize the possible issue in plenty of time to try to address it. Good luck, and happy belated birthday!

[DA Baracus]

On 19/10/2023 at 22:04, Bairnardo said:

Had a really odd experience the other day.... Was my birthday this week and evidently iv hit the point where no one really gives a f**k that its my birthday anymore, which I'd always assumed I was OK with, but an IOU message in the hastily written card off the wife must have landed a bit, cos as the day went on I just felt.... Sad. When I was driving home from work, I actually felt.like crying. Just floored mood-wise. It was really weird. 

Then I got to thinking about some shit thats happened of late. Specifically afew weeks ago the wife having a bit of a meltdown that she can't keep going like we are because I'm not affectionate enough and she doesn't feel as loved as she should. Nothing to do with falling out or me not doing my bit or working hard or being a good parent, just this sort of intangible thing that's missing from my personality.... Anyway that was a few weeks ago and it's sort of got better, but again I think it might have left a mark on me, cos I got to thinking, I know she's spoke to her various pals about these problems. Women do. So now there's all these folk who have some sort of opinion on my marriage and subsequently of me, but I don't have anyone asking me what I think or feel. My pals aren't really that type of guy.... I'm not either.

It's just the whole things made me feel like I'm sort of in a lot of folks periphery, but no ones focus. I just get on and handle my shit, which is hard as we never really get a break from the kids due to lack of family, then when something makes me feel shite I don't really have many places to turn. 

Going back to the feeling of sudden sadness, iv never felt anything like it. I think il.habe to keep a eye on it, because it's the first time iv ever felt maybe there is a genuine issue there

Long post like, but felt I needed to vent it

First of all, happy birthday my man! Reckon you're actually a young lad (you must be under 40, like myself, as you come across as a young soul!).

Sounds like yourself and the wife are in a bit of a rut. Might be no fault on each side, might be some fault on each side, might be some fault on one side; doesn't matter. What matters, to you, is you seem like you want to try and find a solution. 

Maybe try and arrange a date night where you have no kids around (if possible fire them off to family) but you also act like it's a first date? Even better if you can f**k off for a weekend without the kids and try to reconnect as a couple?

Apparently it's really hard to keep up a romantic relationship when raising kids. I wouldn't know but you seem cool and doing your best, even for a Falkirk fan.

On 20/10/2023 at 16:00, Clarko_son said:

This is something I had been putting off for years and it's made a huge difference so far. I had real reservations about using medication for one reason or another but I bit the bullet after a weird couple of months where I started feeling completely out of control emotionally. 

I had felt down years ago but think it was just due to hitting a bit of a slump in my life and being in a job I really didn't enjoy. This time my mood was just swinging all over the scale throughout the day and at a friend's wedding had a complete breakdown which wasn't the best exactly. It was one of those where alcohol was involved as well but think it just removed inhibition and I was saying things that I'd suppressed rather than just talking pish, thankfully to my wife rather than making any public scene.

I've found sertraline has helped smooth things out a bit. I've still had a few bad days (1 really bad) but overall things feel a lot more in control which was pretty much all I had really wanted. I've tried CBT before but there's just something about it that I can't put my finger on about how it just doesn't seem to work for me. I would feel much better in the sessions and immediately after but by the next day or later on the same day I'd be back feeling all over the place again. Might just be the people I've had or something else altogether but I couldn't really get much out of it.

The misery side of things was even getting to the point where we went away on holiday at the start of September and all I ended up doing was just moaning about everything and getting to the point where my wife was calling me out about it. While I'd also tried to keep work out of it as I actually like what I do, naturally it seeped into that as well and my performance went completely down the shitter the past few months. Thankfully I've got a boss that's been supportive about it all and if anything it taught me a lesson that seems really obvious yet I hadn't really picked up on, some bad figures aren't the end of the world. I know I'm fortunate in that side of things as there's been other places I've been where this wouldn't have been the case.

Sorry this is just turned into a ramble but basically if you're kind of on the fence about medication I'd try and keep an open mind about it. It's not necessarily a recommendation and it's just based on my experience of it but it's helped me. Likewise CBT or other therapies might work just I didn't find them great.

Haha my man, I felt the same about CBT except for one session. That session asked to reflect each week and look at, and note, all evidence that disproved my negative inner monologue and also proved I was a good person, or at least tied to be, with specific examples.

Often these were/are small things, but⁹ they said I was doing ok and not a piece of shit. 

At times they made little difference and seemed dumb/for morons, but when looked at and in depth they often seemed not too bad and not balanced against good stuff. 

The past is hard to escape despite everything.

On 20/10/2023 at 20:36, RH33 said:

After I few really trying weeks, where I was really pushed limits of coping. I'm pretty sure I'm though danger zone.

Wary posting too much in public but some people get cheap thrills trying to break others.

 

DANGER ZONE!

Sorry, couldn't resist!

Really glad to hear you're through the worst of things. You come across on here as so strong. You've come through so much shit and still deal with so much stuff, yet you're on here often letting us know you're OK.

It sounds so hard, yet you come across on here as a witty, funny young lady who is doing an excellent job raising her kids, despite how pish your team is.

Edited October 22, 2023 by DA Baracus

[DA Baracus]

I've wanted to die for years (but I'm so scared of that). But have also wanted to be alive for years. I hope I will be.

I've horribly wasted my chances. I've desicrated not just life but the very suggestion of existence l.

I've horribly wasted my privilege.

Edited October 22, 2023 by DA Baracus

[Ekhibee88]

Felt that way recently with work and so called pals, I am just irrelevant . Shall i go to the Xmas night out or not? Do people care if I go?