Financial arrangements in relationships.

[TxRover]

There is an interesting back and forth on the open vs closed nature of spending on various items, but I can assure you that simply having it all in the open doesn’t prevent questions and problems. Joint account, with all the statements (accounts, credit cards, bills, etc) in an open file cabinet and the register/checkbook next to the PC used to pay bills…still didn’t stop her of accusing me of hiding money or secret spending (the accounts showed direct deposits that matched my pay stubs exactly, and no unexplained transfers or payments, but that stopped nothing).

[Jacksgranda]

18 minutes ago, TxRover said:

There is an interesting back and forth on the open vs closed nature of spending on various items, but I can assure you that simply having it all in the open doesn’t prevent questions and problems. Joint account, with all the statements (accounts, credit cards, bills, etc) in an open file cabinet and the register/checkbook next to the PC used to pay bills…still didn’t stop her of accusing me of hiding money or secret spending (the accounts showed direct deposits that matched my pay stubs exactly, and no unexplained transfers or payments, but that stopped nothing).

You cannot be reasonable with unreasonable people.

[Granny Danger]

The week after we married I went home on the Friday, opened my wage packet in front of my wife took out a pound for myself and gave her the rest for the ‘housekeeping’.

By the following Thursday evening I hadn’t asked her for a penny more.

”I can’t work out how you managed all week on just a pound” she said.

”You’ll soon find out” I replied “It’s your turn for the pound this week”.

 

 

 

 

 

[Shadow Play]

51 minutes ago, GordonS said:

I really wouldn't want my wife to do something like that for me and she wouldn't want me to do that for her. We don't find things like that romantic, we want more choice than that. We'd find it a bit controlling, not to be involved in the decision. What if she books me a trip and I'd rather go somewhere else? Or it clashes with a football game? We always talk about trips before booking. Our romance has no connection to buying expensive stuff at all - if I bought her expensive jewellery she'd probably rather have spent that money on something else, likely garden stuff, but if I buy her a box of Guylian or a bunch of flowers she's delighted.

Point to all of this is, each to their own. Everybody is different and every relationship is different. Do whatever works for you all.

I've found this thread fascinating, it lured me out of lurking. These are the fundamentals of how we structure our lives but folk rarely talk about it and it's really interesting to see all the different ways couples and families manage their money. I think there are no right answers but a few wrong ones, and people should talk about this stuff more, especially with their kids.

Very well constructed post.  I think you’ve absolutely nailed it when you say that what works for some doesn’t work for others.  As you say as long as it’s not controlling by one partner over the other is there really a wrong way?

Also interesting that when talking about buying surprise gifts some appear to focus in on the the fact you are trying to hide the cost of your purchase from your partner as opposed to keeping the gift itself a surprise until the day of giving the gift. 

I must admit I’ve never previously  thought about how other couples work their finances.  Not really a conversation that pops up.

 

 

[Shadow Play]

26 minutes ago, Granny Danger said:

The week after we married I went home on the Friday, opened my wage packet in front of my wife took out a pound for myself and gave her the rest for the ‘housekeeping’.

By the following Thursday evening I hadn’t asked her for a penny more.

”I can’t work out how you managed all week on just a pound” she said.

”You’ll soon find out” I replied “It’s your turn for the pound this week”.

 

 

 

 

 

Come of GD.  You’re not fooling any of us.  A pound would have been a lot of money in those days.  

[Granny Danger]

1 hour ago, Shadow Play said:

Come of GD.  You’re not fooling any of us.  A pound would have been a lot of money in those days.  

£6.40 according to the inflation calculator.

[throbber]

9 hours ago, hk blues said:

Some may say that it's not particularly healthy to have to hide your spending from your partner either.  

 

It just depends on the circumstances obviously. If you’re hiding a significant amount of spending from your other half and it means a you are struggling financially then it’s not okay. The likes of this upcoming tulip spree I’m going on and £15 a week on William hill and the lottery is about as extreme as I’m going here though.

[strichener]

6 hours ago, Shadow Play said:

If you were to secretly book 5 nights in New York (having discreetly checked with your partner’s employers that your partner could get the time off) how do you keep that secret from your wife with only joint accounts?

 

 

4 hours ago, Shadow Play said:

Very well constructed post.  I think you’ve absolutely nailed it when you say that what works for some doesn’t work for others.  As you say as long as it’s not controlling by one partner over the other is there really a wrong way?

Also interesting that when talking about buying surprise gifts some appear to focus in on the the fact you are trying to hide the cost of your purchase from your partner as opposed to keeping the gift itself a surprise until the day of giving the gift. 

I must admit I’ve never previously  thought about how other couples work their finances.  Not really a conversation that pops up.

 

 

I have to pick you up on this.  If it is the keeping the gift asl suprise then again I don't see how having a joint account hinders this.

Her: What's this £2,000 debit card transaction

Him: wait and see, it's a surprise.

I don't see how that ruins the "surprise" part of the gift giving. In some cases it may even add to the anticipation on the part of the gift receiver.

Also, if you were buying expensive gifts, I would recommend using your credit card for the Section 75 cover.

[Sergeant Wilson]

5 hours ago, GordonS said:

I really wouldn't want my wife to do something like that for me and she wouldn't want me to do that for her. We don't find things like that romantic, we want more choice than that. We'd find it a bit controlling, not to be involved in the decision. What if she books me a trip and I'd rather go somewhere else? Or it clashes with a football game? We always talk about trips before booking. Our romance has no connection to buying expensive stuff at all - if I bought her expensive jewellery she'd probably rather have spent that money on something else, likely garden stuff, but if I buy her a box of Guylian or a bunch of flowers she's delighted.

Point to all of this is, each to their own. Everybody is different and every relationship is different. Do whatever works for you all.

I've found this thread fascinating, it lured me out of lurking. These are the fundamentals of how we structure our lives but folk rarely talk about it and it's really interesting to see all the different ways couples and families manage their money. I think there are no right answers but a few wrong ones, and people should talk about this stuff more, especially with their kids.

The thread has flushed out more oddballs than any war or death sentence restoration discussion.

[Derry Pele]

We’ve been under the same roof for three years, we have a joint account for most of the joint bills which we put an equal amount into. She earns about 30% more than me so pays for the weekly shop and a couple of other silly little things. Beyond that we piss our own money up the wall as we see fit, and have separate savings at a similar interest rate. I have a decent chunk set aside which will make up the lions share of big house renovations like the kitchen and the bathroom when we eventually get around to it. 
 

My parents are/were slightly different: they have a joint account but I believe it’s only paid into by my dad because he has always been the breadwinner, my mum has always worked part time and is tight as f**k so has years of sweetie money in her account. They’re retired and mortgage free so they only really have utilities, roof tax, food and trips to the same hotel in Benidorm every few months to worry about, the rest is sat in their respective bank accounts racking up interest for them to spend as they please on over 8.5 corners

[Shadow Play]

2 hours ago, strichener said:

 

I have to pick you up on this.  If it is the keeping the gift asl suprise then again I don't see how having a joint account hinders this.

Her: What's this £2,000 debit card transaction

Him: wait and see, it's a surprise.

I don't see how that ruins the "surprise" part of the gift giving. In some cases it may even add to the anticipation on the part of the gift receiver.

Also, if you were buying expensive gifts, I would recommend using your credit card for the Section 75 cover.

Future recipient of the gift: “What's this £2,000 debit card transaction that says TUI against it.”

Person purchasing the gift: “Wait and see, it's a surprise.”

In the above scenario it would certainly rule out the surprise being anything other than travel related.  If you decided to take out £2,000 in cash so that your partner can’t see the company you’ve made the payment to  (I would not recommend that) your partner would presumably know there was a surprise of some sort in the pipeline.  You clearly don’t think that ‘ruins the surprise part’ or ‘hinders’ the surprise.  I personally think it does at the very least diminish it.

For avoidance of doubt I’m not trying to change your mindset, or indeed anyone’s mindset on this.  My original post in this thread was me asking the general question how was it possible keep surprise gifts secret from your partner if you only have joint accounts.    You have now replied to me several times on this point and I have to say you haven’t convinced me that is possible.  I think it I fair to say we are unlikely to agree on the matter and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

I appreciate your advice regarding Section 75 of the Consumer Credit Act.  I actually do use a credit card for almost all my purchases as in addition to gaining this benefit I also get cash back (I know there are debit card accounts that does that too).  I can also keep my money in an account earning interest until the due payment date.  If you time a purchase correctly you can easily earn roughly 50 days of extra interest on your money.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 10, 2023 by Shadow Play

[Sugar_Army]

14 hours ago, The Moonster said:

The most disgusting "look how rich we are" humble brag I've ever seen. 

Rich?

I earn £27,000 a year, drive my late brother's 59 plate Astra and live in an ex-council house which my parents bought thanks to Maggie Thatcher. 

The reason we had/have that cash was due to us saving so as not to have to get a mortgage and therefore buy out my two sisters.  Hence switching bank accounts and being savvy with our money etc

To achieve such a lavish lifestyle we have no kids, no pets and neither of us smoke or drink. 

When we go on holiday we backpack, which involves, camping, living with locals or renting a basic apartment.  Only ever stayed in a 5 star or all inclusive hotel 3 times in my life and that was with an ex over 15 years ago.

Now if you excuse me, my chambermaid is warming my bed and my butler is busy ironing my silk pyjamas

[???]

Mainly a lurker back in GN catching up and found this one intriguing.

We pay specific bills and split rest of what is left between upcoming events / savings and own budget. We get imo a fairly good allowance, however mrs always seems to want more.

Is it a woman thing or is she just absolutely shite with candy? 

[hk blues]

11 hours ago, throbber said:

It just depends on the circumstances obviously. If you’re hiding a significant amount of spending from your other half and it means a you are struggling financially then it’s not okay. The likes of this upcoming tulip spree I’m going on and £15 a week on William hill and the lottery is about as extreme as I’m going here though.

Thin end of the wedge - you'll be spunking hundreds on hookers and recreational drugs before you (or your wife) know it!

[throbber]

32 minutes ago, hk blues said:

Thin end of the wedge - you'll be spunking hundreds on hookers and recreational drugs before you (or your wife) know it!

I think those days are behind me now tbh. My mrs went through a few month of checking my bank statements after the mortgage folk questioned my payments to William Hill which really wasn’t on though. As long as bills are getting paid and we can afford what we want to do then I don’t think transactions of £100 or under are each others business.

[hk blues]

3 minutes ago, throbber said:

I think those days are behind me now tbh. My mrs went through a few month of checking my bank statements after the mortgage folk questioned my payments to William Hill which really wasn’t on though. As long as bills are getting paid and we can afford what we want to do then I don’t think transactions of £100 or under are each others business.

That's fair.

But, you did say you were going to spend £100+ on the tulips - hope you've got your ducks in a row to explain that to your good lady.

[Leith Green]

On 08/10/2023 at 16:55, throbber said:

Is this sort of thing normal? Why get married to someone/live with them and have kids with them and then not have the same financial constraints as one another?

Your original story certainly doesnt seem normal to me. Controlling "the money" is just another form of control that husbands (its usually them) use in relationships.

I guess my thoughts on this come from my dad who back in the 70s, paid in cash, used to give the entire pay packet to my mum and she gave him back his pocket money for going to the bowling club etc. Some of his workmates used to go straight to the bookies on the Friday, spend what they wanted and give what was left to the missus. 

For my wife and I , the main money every month goes into the joint account, and we pay ourselves a small amount as pocket money to our own accounts for nights out with pals etc. We have savings accounts in joint names and its all very relaxed. 

While I have a far larger pension pot, I recognise that this is partly because my wife gave up years of her career to bring up the kids, so as far as I am concerned thats all joint as well.

I have heard a few stories where one person "pays the mortgage" and another "pays the bills". Thats all very well, as long as its relatively even, and the assets are in joint names if thats appropriate.

One of my wifes friends was in a common law marriage in England, her and the guy split up after 15 years and the house (in his name) remained with him - she moved up here to be closer to family with 2 kids and zero cash.

Thats where not having assets and money in both names goes wrong. 

 

[Hedgecutter]

12 hours ago, strichener said:

Her: What's this £2,000 debit card transaction

Him: wait and see, it's a surprise.

Three months later:

 

Him: Ready for that surprise?

Her: Yes! What is it?

Him: I've organised it so that you get a relaxing break away from the kids.

Her: Woooooo!

Him: Aye, I'm taking them on a £2k all inclusive holiday for some winter sun. 

[hk blues]

11 hours ago, Shadow Play said:

Future recipient of the gift: “What's this £2,000 debit card transaction that says TUI against it.”

Person purchasing the gift: “Wait and see, it's a surprise.”

In the above scenario it would certainly rule out the surprise being anything other than travel related.  If you decided to take out £2,000 in cash so that your partner can’t see the company you’ve made the payment to  (I would not recommend that) your partner would presumably know there was a surprise of some sort in the pipeline.  You clearly don’t think that ‘ruins the surprise part’ or ‘hinders’ the surprise.  I personally think it does at the very least diminish it.

For avoidance of doubt I’m not trying to change your mindset, or indeed anyone’s mindset on this.  My original post in this thread was me asking the general question how was it possible keep surprise gifts secret from your partner if you only have joint accounts.    You have now replied to me several times on this point and I have to say you haven’t convinced me that is possible.  I think it I fair to say we are unlikely to agree on the matter and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

I appreciate your advice regarding Section 75 of the Consumer Credit Act.  I actually do use a credit card for almost all my purchases as in addition to gaining this benefit I also get cash back (I know there are debit card accounts that does that too).  I can also keep my money in an account earning interest until the due payment date.  If you time a purchase correctly you can easily earn roughly 50 days of extra interest on your money.

Maybe just me, but how often do you and your wife book a holiday without the other knowing, or buy each other expensive enough ad-hoc gifts to be noticed on a joint account?  For me, holidays are booked for holiday time and gifts are birthday, anniversary and Christmas.  The only surprises are the specific gifts - my wife is expecting something anyway on those occasions.  Again, maybe just me, but I would pretty much always be able to buy the gifts in cash so nothing would pop up on the credit card bill.  Holidays would be a joint effort.

Absolutely agree that it's each to their own but I reckon for the vast majority of couples who share joint finances the 'secrecy' issue is a non-issue for the reasons I've mentioned. 

[Sergeant Wilson]

10 hours ago, Sugar_Army said:

Rich?

I earn £27,000 a year, drive my late brother's 59 plate Astra and live in an ex-council house which my parents bought thanks to Maggie Thatcher. 

The reason we had/have that cash was due to us saving so as not to have to get a mortgage and therefore buy out my two sisters.  Hence switching bank accounts and being savvy with our money etc

To achieve such a lavish lifestyle we have no kids, no pets and neither of us smoke or drink. 

When we go on holiday we backpack, which involves, camping, living with locals or renting a basic apartment.  Only ever stayed in a 5 star or all inclusive hotel 3 times in my life and that was with an ex over 15 years ago.

Now if you excuse me, my chambermaid is warming my bed and my butler is busy ironing my silk pyjamas