Depression

[velo army]

Anyway, I came on to post about me, but reading up on others has been a nice distraction.

I'm struggling quite a bit today. I broke up with my lassie a week ago, mainly as I was too anxious in the relationship and was too focussed on making sure she didn't leave me rather than actually enjoying connecting with an amazing, loving and stupidly beautiful woman. I broke it off as I felt I needed to feel what I feared the most, being without her, and needed to deal with that.

Apart from feeling like I've made a huge mistake, I just feel like a complete failure right now. I don't really know what love is and I realise that I didn't fully trust the relationship with her. She's truly incredible. The most sexual and beautiful woman I've ever been with and also the most powerfully attractive to other guys. She is well aware that she could have pretty much any guy she wants. It's a bit of a superpower of hers. Yet, she chose me completely and enthusiastically and continued to choose this moody f**k up over any number of handsome dutchmen (she's Dutch and lives 15mins from Groningen) who are successful and have their shite far more sorted than I have. 

She lives entirely on feelings, so if it feels right she doesn't question it, which I find utterly maddening. Our relationship felt right, so she didn't think about why she loves me, she just does. I realise that I don't even know what love is or what it feels like. I think I do, but it isn't a feeling that lasts, so I don't consider it a sustainable or particularly trustworthy force. I feel completely nihilistic about my own future in terms of love and relationships and right now I feel utterly alone. I haven't had anyone text me in days just to check in or say hello, and before Rianne I didn't have it that much either. 

I appreciate that it's a bad day which is throwing everything into the sharp focus of a deeply unkind lens, but I feel utterly worthless. I've also done so much work on myself over the years and it still feels for nothing. I'm still rejecting love because I don't believe that it's really for me, that they'll take it away at a moment's notice once they see me more clearly. I work in an insanely easy, boring and poorly paid job and my mind is a pretty chaotic place. I really struggle to apply for jobs and move my life forward to any degree. Ach I feel really lonely and especially tonight. 

I know it'll get better, but right now it all feels pretty dark, lonely and hopeless.

[Raidernation]

Hello folks.

Been an horrendous November and first half of December.

Hospitalised twice; Mid November, in the mental health unit at the local hospital. 

Last week, stress leading to gastro-intestinal issues (very scary after the surgery earlier this year).

In between had a complete breakdown and somehow dredged up some stuff from my early childhood (we're talking over 50 years ago folks) that was basically "abuse" that has been buried and ignored for all those years. Finally spoke to my therapist about it and making progress (might also explain some of the alcohol issues), also had a long, long conversation with stepdaughter #2 about everything. Apparently (as posted elsewhere) she's been incredibly worried about me (you don't always realise the effect you have on others, apparently she's been really scared I was going to be gone).

My apartment is an absolute disgrace, but I've started working on cleaning up, I just do what I can until I get too tired and I can accept that without getting overwhelmed now. Sometimes all I can do is 5 minutes, but I regard even that as a victory these days.

Back at work this week after over a month off and it's physically exhausting, but I'm happy to be with people I enjoy working wit, and the kids have been delighted to have me back! 

Anyway, holidays from Friday until 8/1 so I have plans to keep busy, go to AA and "survivor's" meetings. Christmas Day/Birthday (same day) with family, so will enjoy that!

Hope that's not too much guys, but I thought I should share, might help someone?

 

Always open for a pm.

Thanks for this thread,

N

 

[Bert Raccoon]

2 hours ago, velo army said:

Anyway, I came on to post about me, but reading up on others has been a nice distraction.

I'm struggling quite a bit today. I broke up with my lassie a week ago, mainly as I was too anxious in the relationship and was too focussed on making sure she didn't leave me rather than actually enjoying connecting with an amazing, loving and stupidly beautiful woman. I broke it off as I felt I needed to feel what I feared the most, being without her, and needed to deal with that.

Apart from feeling like I've made a huge mistake, I just feel like a complete failure right now. I don't really know what love is and I realise that I didn't fully trust the relationship with her. She's truly incredible. The most sexual and beautiful woman I've ever been with and also the most powerfully attractive to other guys. She is well aware that she could have pretty much any guy she wants. It's a bit of a superpower of hers. Yet, she chose me completely and enthusiastically and continued to choose this moody f**k up over any number of handsome dutchmen (she's Dutch and lives 15mins from Groningen) who are successful and have their shite far more sorted than I have. 

She lives entirely on feelings, so if it feels right she doesn't question it, which I find utterly maddening. Our relationship felt right, so she didn't think about why she loves me, she just does. I realise that I don't even know what love is or what it feels like. I think I do, but it isn't a feeling that lasts, so I don't consider it a sustainable or particularly trustworthy force. I feel completely nihilistic about my own future in terms of love and relationships and right now I feel utterly alone. I haven't had anyone text me in days just to check in or say hello, and before Rianne I didn't have it that much either. 

I appreciate that it's a bad day which is throwing everything into the sharp focus of a deeply unkind lens, but I feel utterly worthless. I've also done so much work on myself over the years and it still feels for nothing. I'm still rejecting love because I don't believe that it's really for me, that they'll take it away at a moment's notice once they see me more clearly. I work in an insanely easy, boring and poorly paid job and my mind is a pretty chaotic place. I really struggle to apply for jobs and move my life forward to any degree. Ach I feel really lonely and especially tonight. 

I know it'll get better, but right now it all feels pretty dark, lonely and hopeless.

Have you told her this? Not easy but she obviously saw something in you that you don't see yourself. Meeting someone you feel like that with is special and she sound like an amazing woman from what you say. Don't let it go. If it is something you feel you don't want then fair enough but if it's your own insecurities then let her know and fight for this.

If you're sure it's over and you feel you can't recover it then reach out to friends or family. No easy when you feel no one cares but I'm sure they do and if not you have plenty of people here you can reach out to, me included.

I'd deffo suggest taking to your Mrs, worst she can do is tell you to f**k off and least you've tried. Love is not something you should let go of 

Edited December 21, 2023 by Bert Raccoon

[Venti]

2 hours ago, Raidernation said:

Hello folks.

Been an horrendous November and first half of December.

Hospitalised twice; Mid November, in the mental health unit at the local hospital. 

Last week, stress leading to gastro-intestinal issues (very scary after the surgery earlier this year).

In between had a complete breakdown and somehow dredged up some stuff from my early childhood (we're talking over 50 years ago folks) that was basically "abuse" that has been buried and ignored for all those years. Finally spoke to my therapist about it and making progress (might also explain some of the alcohol issues), also had a long, long conversation with stepdaughter #2 about everything. Apparently (as posted elsewhere) she's been incredibly worried about me (you don't always realise the effect you have on others, apparently she's been really scared I was going to be gone).

My apartment is an absolute disgrace, but I've started working on cleaning up, I just do what I can until I get too tired and I can accept that without getting overwhelmed now. Sometimes all I can do is 5 minutes, but I regard even that as a victory these days.

Back at work this week after over a month off and it's physically exhausting, but I'm happy to be with people I enjoy working wit, and the kids have been delighted to have me back! 

Anyway, holidays from Friday until 8/1 so I have plans to keep busy, go to AA and "survivor's" meetings. Christmas Day/Birthday (same day) with family, so will enjoy that!

Hope that's not too much guys, but I thought I should share, might help someone?

 

Always open for a pm.

Thanks for this thread,

N

 

You've been so brave. Be proud of youself & how far you've come.

Have an amazing Christmas mate.

Keep on the good path.

['WellDel]

2 hours ago, velo army said:

Anyway, I came on to post about me, but reading up on others has been a nice distraction.

I'm struggling quite a bit today. I broke up with my lassie a week ago, mainly as I was too anxious in the relationship and was too focussed on making sure she didn't leave me rather than actually enjoying connecting with an amazing, loving and stupidly beautiful woman. I broke it off as I felt I needed to feel what I feared the most, being without her, and needed to deal with that.

Apart from feeling like I've made a huge mistake, I just feel like a complete failure right now. I don't really know what love is and I realise that I didn't fully trust the relationship with her. She's truly incredible. The most sexual and beautiful woman I've ever been with and also the most powerfully attractive to other guys. She is well aware that she could have pretty much any guy she wants. It's a bit of a superpower of hers. Yet, she chose me completely and enthusiastically and continued to choose this moody f**k up over any number of handsome dutchmen (she's Dutch and lives 15mins from Groningen) who are successful and have their shite far more sorted than I have. 

She lives entirely on feelings, so if it feels right she doesn't question it, which I find utterly maddening. Our relationship felt right, so she didn't think about why she loves me, she just does. I realise that I don't even know what love is or what it feels like. I think I do, but it isn't a feeling that lasts, so I don't consider it a sustainable or particularly trustworthy force. I feel completely nihilistic about my own future in terms of love and relationships and right now I feel utterly alone. I haven't had anyone text me in days just to check in or say hello, and before Rianne I didn't have it that much either. 

I appreciate that it's a bad day which is throwing everything into the sharp focus of a deeply unkind lens, but I feel utterly worthless. I've also done so much work on myself over the years and it still feels for nothing. I'm still rejecting love because I don't believe that it's really for me, that they'll take it away at a moment's notice once they see me more clearly. I work in an insanely easy, boring and poorly paid job and my mind is a pretty chaotic place. I really struggle to apply for jobs and move my life forward to any degree. Ach I feel really lonely and especially tonight. 

I know it'll get better, but right now it all feels pretty dark, lonely and hopeless.

 

29 minutes ago, Bert Raccoon said:

Have you told her this? Not easy but she obviously saw something in you that you don't see yourself. Meeting someone you feel like that with is special and she sound like an amazing woman from what you say. Don't let it go. If it is something you feel you don't want then fair enough but if it's your own insecurities then let her know and fight for this.

If you're sure it's over and you feel you can't recover it then reach out to friends or family. No easy when you feel no one cares but I'm sure they do and if not you have plenty of people here you can reach out to, me included.

I'd deffo suggest taking to your Mrs, worst she can do is tell you to f**k off and least you've tried. Love is not something you should let go of 

I'm 100% with Bert on this. Your words make it sound like she is your ideal woman and she was all in on you too, and that it's your own insecurities and approach that have made you draw back. If that's the case, I'd definitely be aiming for a heart to heart with her to explain where you're at in your head and try to find a way forward together. It sounds like a lost relationship that you might very soon regret. 

If, on the other hand, you've decided that you're not in the right place for a relationship and commitment at the minute then that's ok too. Just don't beat yourself up and take the time you need to work on yourself, but make sure you reach out to those around you for the support and interaction you need. All the best.

['WellDel]

2 hours ago, Raidernation said:

Hello folks.

Been an horrendous November and first half of December.

Hospitalised twice; Mid November, in the mental health unit at the local hospital. 

Last week, stress leading to gastro-intestinal issues (very scary after the surgery earlier this year).

In between had a complete breakdown and somehow dredged up some stuff from my early childhood (we're talking over 50 years ago folks) that was basically "abuse" that has been buried and ignored for all those years. Finally spoke to my therapist about it and making progress (might also explain some of the alcohol issues), also had a long, long conversation with stepdaughter #2 about everything. Apparently (as posted elsewhere) she's been incredibly worried about me (you don't always realise the effect you have on others, apparently she's been really scared I was going to be gone).

My apartment is an absolute disgrace, but I've started working on cleaning up, I just do what I can until I get too tired and I can accept that without getting overwhelmed now. Sometimes all I can do is 5 minutes, but I regard even that as a victory these days.

Back at work this week after over a month off and it's physically exhausting, but I'm happy to be with people I enjoy working wit, and the kids have been delighted to have me back! 

Anyway, holidays from Friday until 8/1 so I have plans to keep busy, go to AA and "survivor's" meetings. Christmas Day/Birthday (same day) with family, so will enjoy that!

Hope that's not too much guys, but I thought I should share, might help someone?

 

Always open for a pm.

Thanks for this thread,

N

 

Good to see you back, always a valued contributor on here.

Sorry you've had a shit time of it lately, but glad you're making headway. A step forward every day, no matter how small is progress and something to build on. Even these wee 5 mins in your apartment are heading in the right direction so take them as positives.

Your stepdaughter's concern and the reception from the kids on your return to work will hopefully help prove to you your value and love amongst others, and be a source of pride and comfort to help you continue to push yourself on.

Enjoy your holidays, and all the best going into the New Year.

[TxRover]

Nothing I can add to the above except anyone feeling down this time of year should know there are always people buzzing around here that will listen and try to help. This can be the most challenging part of the year, but you can do it!

[Peil]

f**k me I'm struggling this morning.

I'm thinking it's a combination of being overtired, over-stressed from the inlaws visiting from the US, and placing unrealistic expectations on myself.

Been near tears twice already.

[Brother Blades]

27 minutes ago, Peil said:

f**k me I'm struggling this morning.

I'm thinking it's a combination of being overtired, over-stressed from the inlaws visiting from the US, and placing unrealistic expectations on myself.

Been near tears twice already.

Easy to say, but if the expectations you’re placing on yourself are unrealistic & you realise that, then try to just enjoy the day without any expectations? Everything will be just fine, I’m sure. 

Enjoy the rest of your day if possible. Plenty people here to vent to, if needed. 

Merry Xmas. 

[2426255]

36 minutes ago, Peil said:

f**k me I'm struggling this morning.

I'm thinking it's a combination of being overtired, over-stressed from the inlaws visiting from the US, and placing unrealistic expectations on myself.

Been near tears twice already.

The pressures of feeling you must live up to imagined expectations around Christmas time are difficult to deal with. You're not alone in that sense. At the end of the day, it's just an imagined force - you don't have to obey it.

Edited December 25, 2023 by 2426255

[Sonam]

Not an easy day for many, Christmas. Whether problems, arguments with family & annoying relatives (in laws etc) or if spending Christmas alone. 

Hope anyone with depression, anxiety etc does well today.

[doulikefish]

37 minutes ago, Peil said:

f**k me I'm struggling this morning.

I'm thinking it's a combination of being overtired, over-stressed from the inlaws visiting from the US, and placing unrealistic expectations on myself.

Been near tears twice already.

It's just another day with a fancy dinner .Give yourself 5 mins or a wee walk around the block or just take a few depth breaths and just let yourself be calm...you will get through it no bother 

[Richey Edwards]

Some useful numbers for anyone struggling today.

[TxRover]

3 hours ago, Peil said:

f**k me I'm struggling this morning.

I'm thinking it's a combination of being overtired, over-stressed from the inlaws visiting from the US, and placing unrealistic expectations on myself.

Been near tears twice already.

The others advise is all good. In-laws visiting, especially during the holidays, can be extremely stressful, but hopefully their experience, in and of itself, of Christmas in an different place will keep them occupied and reduce your stress levels. Certainly, the different traditions will be something  that with possibly cause stress, but just let things roll off your back like water off a duck. It’s never easy, and you just have to remember that those that seem to be paddling along calmly likely have those legs flailing about under the surface too!

The expectations are the biggest problem here. Take a deep breath an rein them in a bit. You calling the unrealistic shows you know the facts, now follow through on what you know and shake off some of those like you know you should. The temptation to make things perfect for everyone at this time of year is a huge stressor, but it’s also impossible! Do your best, remain within your abilities, respect the limits YOU need for your own health, and have an extra bit of chocolate! Hang in there.

[velo army]

6 hours ago, Peil said:

f**k me I'm struggling this morning.

I'm thinking it's a combination of being overtired, over-stressed from the inlaws visiting from the US, and placing unrealistic expectations on myself.

Been near tears twice already.

It sounds like you have some idea as to why you're feeling the way you do. 

I'm hearing that you're experiencing a lot of stress, that you have the in-laws visiting from the US and that you're expecting things of yourself that may be beyond your capabilities.

You sound overwhelmed. 

I was wondering about the "close to tears" part and my first thought was can you give yourself the time and space to express those tears? It takes a lot of energy and stress to contain that which wants released.

It sounds like you could use some boundaries too if you're feeling so stressed and overwhelmed by the expectations attached to your role as host. 

I'm open for a pm if you want to bounce off me a bit.

[Peil]

Cheers everyone. 

Just needed some place to vent yesterday.

Dinner turned out mostly ok, I somehow got everything right apart from the mashed tatties (!)

Onwards and upwards

[Bairnardo]

Separation incoming. So not strictly depressed yet but also probably incoming. But given the serious tone and helpfulness of this thread, is there anyone able to have their brain picked regarding separation (very civil, no fall out or fighting), financial shit, kids etc etc

[scottsdad]

2 minutes ago, Bairnardo said:

Separation incoming. So not strictly depressed yet but also probably incoming. But given the serious tone and helpfulness of this thread, is there anyone able to have their brain picked regarding separation (very civil, no fall out or fighting), financial shit, kids etc 

Sorry to hear this mate. 

[Derry Alli]

11 minutes ago, Bairnardo said:

Separation incoming. So not strictly depressed yet but also probably incoming. But given the serious tone and helpfulness of this thread, is there anyone able to have their brain picked regarding separation (very civil, no fall out or fighting), financial shit, kids etc etc

Sorry to read this mate, I'm the least helpful person regarding separations but if you fancy a wee natter over PM I'll gladly slag fûck oot yi.

Give is until end of January and I'll get through for a night on the tiles with you. 

['WellDel]

24 minutes ago, Bairnardo said:

Separation incoming. So not strictly depressed yet but also probably incoming. But given the serious tone and helpfulness of this thread, is there anyone able to have their brain picked regarding separation (very civil, no fall out or fighting), financial shit, kids etc etc

Sorry to hear that mate. Hope everything stays amicable for the good of all concerned and to keep things as easy as possible on the kids.

If you're having a bad day, just dip your toe in something like the Clyde thread to remember that there are always others worse off than yourself... or alternatively (and 100% more advised), keep popping in here to get things off your chest, as there are always plenty decent cnuts around to offer an ear and advice when you need it. Good wishes, man.