parsforlife Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 6 hours ago, greendot said: They don't as i discovered a number of years back in London. Me and a mate were getting on the train (albeit the tube) just as the beeps were going off. As i got on the doors closed behind me as my trailing leg was half in. I panicked a bit before swinging my leg forward to get my foot in. A nearby woman noticed and tried to help by getting close to me but with one final swing my foot popped through and i accidently kneed the woman in her leg. I looked out the door after this as the tunnel narrowed to just over the width of the train so a few seconds more and i probably would have lost my foot! As a child I heard of a distant relative who lost a leg in a similar situation, think he was jumping off the train tho. On the thread as a whole, there's a dangerous amount of suggestions that would appeal to fans of Mrs Brown Boys. I thought we were better than that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florentine_Pogen Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 6 hours ago, scottsdad said: Old women swearing. When I was a boy, my parents went to my sister's passing out parade. They drafted in my mum's auntie to come and watch my brother and I for a few days while they were away. It was brilliant. I remember her cooking for us. "What the f**k is margarine? You are growing laddies, you need proper food, not this fucking shit." She was really old and tiny, and spoke like a sailor. Turns out she wasn't interested in butter either. Lard and dripping on everything. I put on half a stone in no time and learned a whole bunch of swear words. In my personal experience (granny and several aunts), old women do not use the 'Effbomb' when executing serious swearing. It was always 'buckin'. "What the buck is margarine? You are growing laddies, you need proper food, not this buckin' shit." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 14 hours ago, MEADOWXI said: As a raise on stepping in dog shit, stepping in vomit. Early morning walk into town down King St in Aberdeen. That weird faint dirty heel mark, and another darker, and another, and another, Then a puddle of Friday night spew with with a sliding heel mark through it. Someone did a stand on a banana skin style slide, then trailed the evidence away. You know they had a horrible walk and I laughed to myself I've told this before. I was in an unfamiliar pub with a mate and steaming. I felt sick and started moving quickly to the toilet, which was in a corridor leading from the bar to the lounge with a lino floor. I didn't make it, projectile vomiting in front of myself. I was still rushing towards the toilet and slipped on the floor. I fell but my momentum kept me moving forward, coming to rest in the lounge, covered in my own sick. An old couple were watching, so I apologised the best I could. The man made me feel much better by saying, "don't worry son, everybody does that". 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuMoore Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 17 hours ago, scottsdad said: Old people swearing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 I'd go back 20 minutes to eat this sandwich again. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velo army Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 1 minute ago, Newbornbairn said: I'd go back 20 minutes to eat this sandwich again. ^^^ plugged in the wrong coordinates and arrived in the wrong thread. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pens_Dark Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 When you leave to go somewhere and someone says 'that was quick' when you return because you forgot something. Hilarious. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DiegoDiego Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 Falling on ice is not universally funny as I found out when I predictably came a cropper on a ice covered sloping pavement in China. Not a single bystander blinked an eye. Thoroughly disappointing. On a similar vein, I also had shopping falling through its bag and nobody reacted. It was my laundry I'd been waiting three days for and it fell onto grimy pavement slush two steps outside the shop door. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 Just now, DiegoDiego said: Falling on ice is not universally funny as I found out when I predictably came a cropper on a ice covered sloping pavement in China. Not a single bystander blinked an eye. Thoroughly disappointing. On a similar vein, I also had shopping falling through its bag and nobody reacted. It was my laundry I'd been waiting three days for and it fell onto grimy pavement slush two steps outside the shop door. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 I slipped on wet leaves years ago and fucked my shoulder and scrotum. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RawB93 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 21 hours ago, parsforlife said: On the thread as a whole, there's a dangerous amount of suggestions that would appeal to fans of Mrs Brown Boys. I thought we were better than that. Tbf, there are things that are funny in real life if someone you know or someone you see does them. But they’re just not funny when someone does it on a set on TV. I expect a much higher standard on telly. They’re all paid to write it and have had time to make something funny. If a show’s funny bits are only as funny as the bottom level, everyday, smirk-worthy patter on this thread then it’s not very funny at all IMO. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florentine_Pogen Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 57 minutes ago, scottsdad said: I slipped on wet leaves years ago and fucked my shoulder and scrotum. Can't remember there being a line in 'Dem Bones' that goes 'The shoulder bone is connected to the scrotum'............... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 7 minutes ago, Florentine_Pogen said: Can't remember there being a line in 'Dem Bones' that goes 'The shoulder bone is connected to the scrotum'............... Poor lad, doesn't have his troubles to seek. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leith Green Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 A wifey on the radio there talking to the journalist about an "investigation of uranus". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 (edited) 10 hours ago, DiegoDiego said: Falling on ice is not universally funny as I found out when I predictably came a cropper on a ice covered sloping pavement in China. Not a single bystander blinked an eye. Thoroughly disappointing. On a similar vein, I also had shopping falling through its bag and nobody reacted. It was my laundry I'd been waiting three days for and it fell onto grimy pavement slush two steps outside the shop door. Which country did your laundry fall out? Edited January 5 by Sergeant Wilson 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bert Raccoon Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 10 hours ago, scottsdad said: I slipped on wet leaves years ago and fucked my shoulder and scrotum. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DiegoDiego Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 1 hour ago, Sergeant Wilson said: Which country did your laundry fall out? Romania. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted January 5 Author Share Posted January 5 I think it’s a tragedy how “your mum” jokes aren’t about anymore. I have a friend who i what’s app fairly frequently and all we usually say is each others mothers first name to one another in between making bland conversation. His father in law died recently the same week as his son was born and i still just messaged him saying Carol. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rod Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 The word 'bosom' Spoiler 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gannonball Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 4 minutes ago, throbber said: I think it’s a tragedy how “your mum” jokes aren’t about anymore. I have a friend who i what’s app fairly frequently and all we usually say is each others mothers first name to one another in between making bland conversation. His father in law died recently the same week as his son was born and i still just messaged him saying Carol. A guy I used to work with had his first day back after his mum had passed and I made a your mum joke without thinking. I have never made a your mum joke since. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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